I wish this Christmas that someone would tell me the truth. It's only because no one wants to say anything to each other in fear of it being real. Mind you, its driving us both up the wall. And well watching a lovey-dove-ee movie didn't exactly help. Expressing the message, during Christmas time is when people tend to tell the truth. So the Christmas Spirit, seems to do that to most. Which puts me in a not so difficult position. Yet, I still have doubts on how to apporach both sides of my story. Sure I have a 'plan' but I don't exactly trust myself. All I want to know is the truth. The "real" truth. How much longer do I have to wait? This New Year, I'd like to make the resolution to trust God more,be true myself and my peelings,&& well have more courage to put myself out there in admitting to some of those peelings&& NOT PRESSURES! This new year will be part of the turning point in 'my' life. At least that's what I'd like to happen especially because I'd like to become more level headed before I move away to go to college =). I know in a year its not going to be perfectly planned out as according to my plan but HIS.
I'd like to let you know the truth...both persons...holiding everything off is my mistake. To wait it out isn't the best idea. Somehow,I know its going to be alright for both cases. I won't exactly be losing people but just losing them in well part of the relationship as friends. The part I dislike very much. To lose someone but it's part of the changes in life. When life changes constantly, our human structure finds its way to bring back equilibrium. I know balance has a great deal with oneself. With one's thoughts, desires, drives, fears, goals, and outline of where they'd like to be. This is easier than I make it to be. Confuse myself like an equivicator to back out of my plans. To not move foward. When I'm genuinely supposed to keep moving foward. So I've reached a lull period of time. Someone save me...I'd like it to be you. And well knowing the way its been the past couple of months and whatnot, You would be the one to 'kidnap' me just to bring me back to the reality of it being 'perfect'. What is it about those three words. That people fear of saying out loud to the ones they 'heart' Its the fear of not hearing or being mutual in that sense. Well in any case, this year...you'll know. Even if it isn't the same. It won't necessarily matter. The unspoken ish that we've been pulling well if one of us ever speaks up will be 'enough' for me.
I know I'm not supposed to 'care' what people think. But human flaw..I do care. But the idea of that I care more about what you think than anyone else at all. For all everyone is at the moment is another person who cares about me in the way I care about them. To fear for me the pain and agony of feeling a certain way or just hurting over something that maybe to them isn't of significance. What is it about the Christmas season that people decide to tell the truth...
ITS BECAUSE CHRISTMAS TIME, THE BIRTH OF JESUS TELLS US THE START OF GOD'S LOVE FOR US IN THE HUMAN FORM...
P.S.
for anyone who reads this.merry Chirstmas,happy holidays,&& I love you.
"love thy neighbor as oneself"
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
undecided
Given the current situations and under the circumstances,I'm in a bit of a struggle between myself. This idle time that I've been given has allowed me to think way too much&sleep less. When I seem to start talking,there's something missing on the other side. Funny,it seems only to be inside my mind that this is all happening. In reality, it's what I only make it to be. So the holidays are coming and I'm not too sure what to feel anymore. Or rather to feel at all. The holidays are supposed to make me relax. Yet, there's all these assignments and projects the teachers love to give that take up all the time in the world.
It's like I'm looking from the outside. Like I'm on pilot. All I see is me from a glass window. It's like I'm self destructing or something. One part of me just wants to end the situation altogether and start from the beginning. I feel like I'm in this comfort zone for too long. It's beginning to seap in and bore the heck out of me. It also has to deal with another person...How do you tell someone that you're unsure of what's to come? How do you express that although you care about them...the direction you're both heading may not be the same as it used to be. How do you tell someone else to speak up and say what they actually mean to your face and not to everyone else behind your back? How can people act a certain way around you and even after for awhile and say nothing about it? How many times must I witness the unspoken part of what one feels or fails to verbally express to my face? Why is it that I have all this time to think and not to act? All I seem to see are these two people. They each mean something different to me but within a similar category persay. Rambaling on and on about nothing. If you had to choose someone to be by your side for as long as possible other than well God. Who is just always there regardless,who would it be?
the question that is just wandering in my mind...not in the sense of marriage or bf/gf status. just in general.
would you tear down the walls i put up to have you tear me down and build me up once again to a better me?
It's like I'm looking from the outside. Like I'm on pilot. All I see is me from a glass window. It's like I'm self destructing or something. One part of me just wants to end the situation altogether and start from the beginning. I feel like I'm in this comfort zone for too long. It's beginning to seap in and bore the heck out of me. It also has to deal with another person...How do you tell someone that you're unsure of what's to come? How do you express that although you care about them...the direction you're both heading may not be the same as it used to be. How do you tell someone else to speak up and say what they actually mean to your face and not to everyone else behind your back? How can people act a certain way around you and even after for awhile and say nothing about it? How many times must I witness the unspoken part of what one feels or fails to verbally express to my face? Why is it that I have all this time to think and not to act? All I seem to see are these two people. They each mean something different to me but within a similar category persay. Rambaling on and on about nothing. If you had to choose someone to be by your side for as long as possible other than well God. Who is just always there regardless,who would it be?
the question that is just wandering in my mind...not in the sense of marriage or bf/gf status. just in general.
would you tear down the walls i put up to have you tear me down and build me up once again to a better me?
Friday, December 12, 2008
LSS *08
LSS *oh eight. What is there to say about last weekendd.I'm truly blessed. For everyone who went I commend you&thank God that you've been chosen for a secluded weekend with HIM and HIM ALONE!*shout out to diego =)
LSS this year has been one of the greatest experiences and life changing for many different reasons. Sure on the outside,it may have been seen as I only sing and that's it. Out of the dynamics,speakers,sharers,praise&worship,workshops&&honestly the joy of the candidates learning more about God was truly an amazing feeling.The fact that Passion came was nothing more than another grace from GOD.LSS changes for me every year. This year just blew my mind. Fortunately, I'm still on that Spiritual High but with Highs I have had a few lows...falling back into a spur of the moment cursing rant.But luckily, calm enough to relaax and prevent myself from repeating as often as it used to occur.I'm not perfect.LSS is one of many experiences. R.E.D. rekindling.establishing.deepening the relationship with God.LSS is living in the Spirit. Allowing oneself to open up to Him and even people we meet within the experience. Sharing one's beliefs. Kellengberg Emmanuel Marianist retreat house is a safe haven of security. A place of complete solitude with people you learn to love and/or already love. LSS isn't only about praying nonstop or going to mass more than once a day but going as a community of people united.This year's LSS is something different.Not only was there so many new candidates but they were truly open to hear what God needed to say. There's nothing greater than the presence of God when more than one are gathered in His Name.
ON ANOTHERR NOTE: I CAN'T WAIT FOR CHRISTMASS<3
LSS this year has been one of the greatest experiences and life changing for many different reasons. Sure on the outside,it may have been seen as I only sing and that's it. Out of the dynamics,speakers,sharers,praise&worship,workshops&&honestly the joy of the candidates learning more about God was truly an amazing feeling.The fact that Passion came was nothing more than another grace from GOD.LSS changes for me every year. This year just blew my mind. Fortunately, I'm still on that Spiritual High but with Highs I have had a few lows...falling back into a spur of the moment cursing rant.But luckily, calm enough to relaax and prevent myself from repeating as often as it used to occur.I'm not perfect.LSS is one of many experiences. R.E.D. rekindling.establishing.deepening the relationship with God.LSS is living in the Spirit. Allowing oneself to open up to Him and even people we meet within the experience. Sharing one's beliefs. Kellengberg Emmanuel Marianist retreat house is a safe haven of security. A place of complete solitude with people you learn to love and/or already love. LSS isn't only about praying nonstop or going to mass more than once a day but going as a community of people united.This year's LSS is something different.Not only was there so many new candidates but they were truly open to hear what God needed to say. There's nothing greater than the presence of God when more than one are gathered in His Name.
ON ANOTHERR NOTE: I CAN'T WAIT FOR CHRISTMASS<3
Saturday, October 25, 2008
when can i see you again?
only the distance can let me know if you're for real. if what you said is true and what it means. would you put limitations on it at all or just let me be...the words you've said have more than a meaning to me. and not for nothing does it lack meaning when it comes from somewhere else.is it because you've said it to me does it give it life?does this make any sense to me or you? is this what truth you'd like to come to surface? if its all what you've said to be your word then it will not change.but i wont judge you if ever you change your mind.when that day comes,will your arms be open wide to embrace all of me?
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
goodbye summer 08
well goodbye summer.thanks for coming my way.there's always several answers i've wanted to give and questions i've wanted to ask and thankfully some questions have been asked with answers.
before my junior year ended, i had made a personal promise to myself that this was the summer that would be unforgettable.which is why i say thank you summer for coming my way because this is a summer that i will never forget.i've learned from so many people this summer.i learned about other people and essentially about myself.but the most i've learned about is what trust in God has guided me to who i'm becoming almost everyday...still i find it a little difficult to wake up but whenever i do it in itself as little as opening my eyes to see the ceiling there's a part of me that fills with happiness.there's several things that i'd still like to say to the people i care about the most but the only thing that has really got me before the school year starts is that i wont be able to share a smile when it'll matter the most...goodbye summer im ready to be knocked out with senior year hit me with your best shot!
ten or twenty years down the road...promise
before my junior year ended, i had made a personal promise to myself that this was the summer that would be unforgettable.which is why i say thank you summer for coming my way because this is a summer that i will never forget.i've learned from so many people this summer.i learned about other people and essentially about myself.but the most i've learned about is what trust in God has guided me to who i'm becoming almost everyday...still i find it a little difficult to wake up but whenever i do it in itself as little as opening my eyes to see the ceiling there's a part of me that fills with happiness.there's several things that i'd still like to say to the people i care about the most but the only thing that has really got me before the school year starts is that i wont be able to share a smile when it'll matter the most...goodbye summer im ready to be knocked out with senior year hit me with your best shot!
ten or twenty years down the road...promise
Thursday, August 21, 2008
trapped
have you ever felt trapped inside?
As of right now, it's as if the life I seem to be living at this very moment can only be looked upon from afar. It's as if I see a world being looked upon through a snow globe...the ones that have characters that move. I feel trapped in a bubble where only so few people can pass through && see what exactly seems to be holding me in. I'm trapped in fear,worry&doubt...maybe this is just one of those weeks where it's like I'm riding on a roller coaster,going through loops,ups && downs...yeah the roller coaster that is life.So I've cried in front of people where I tried to hide. It only worked for maybe a few seconds.I feel displaced,uncertain,insecure && blinded. I know there's different events occurring && I'm taking for granted what I have going for me && for the ones around me who love me && me loving them. I'm seeing my very world from afar for a reason. Stepping back from it all before I step foward to embrace my world fully. So what if I've vented,cried,&& emotionally teared myself down. Running away I had initially thought that I'd be better off. Now,I've only realized how much I'm just looking for inner peace that no one but God can bless me with. Being as silent as I have been around certain people has hurt me more than anything,but it has also helped me..sorry
As of right now, it's as if the life I seem to be living at this very moment can only be looked upon from afar. It's as if I see a world being looked upon through a snow globe...the ones that have characters that move. I feel trapped in a bubble where only so few people can pass through && see what exactly seems to be holding me in. I'm trapped in fear,worry&doubt...maybe this is just one of those weeks where it's like I'm riding on a roller coaster,going through loops,ups && downs...yeah the roller coaster that is life.So I've cried in front of people where I tried to hide. It only worked for maybe a few seconds.I feel displaced,uncertain,insecure && blinded. I know there's different events occurring && I'm taking for granted what I have going for me && for the ones around me who love me && me loving them. I'm seeing my very world from afar for a reason. Stepping back from it all before I step foward to embrace my world fully. So what if I've vented,cried,&& emotionally teared myself down. Running away I had initially thought that I'd be better off. Now,I've only realized how much I'm just looking for inner peace that no one but God can bless me with. Being as silent as I have been around certain people has hurt me more than anything,but it has also helped me..sorry
Friday, August 8, 2008
just dance
I dance with my own beat that comes from the rythm in my feet.People look && stare then talk to the one next to them. For me whether their commentary is positive or not I could careless.Take it as me being prideful then I agree with you half-baked,I take pride in my dancing becuase its one of the things I do that graces me with freedom. Freedom away from all of the worries && stress I afflict upon myself && dancing in the act of itself blesses me with the privilege of bringing sense into 'my' life.
Whether I dance by myself,with one person,or a group,dancing is like an outlet for me that keeps me somewhat sane.You can say dancing for me brings an indescribable sense of peace. In the sweat && out of breath sensation after awhile,I have another drive in me that keeps me going.
I'd like to think it comes from the same energy that I originally began with. Sometimes even more than that I lose myself simultaneously. I get lost in my own little world when I dance. Somewhat similiar to when you get lost in a world when you love someone close to you,the love of a best friend. It's silently understood with a bond or a contract that doesn't need either parties signatures. Dancing for me just frees my soul,heart,body.spirit,&& mind. I don't dance for show, I don't dance for you, I dance for me, I dance for fun. Judge me if you will,but given the chance I'd just dance with you in hope of you seeing how much joy && peace that derives from within me.
Whether I dance by myself,with one person,or a group,dancing is like an outlet for me that keeps me somewhat sane.You can say dancing for me brings an indescribable sense of peace. In the sweat && out of breath sensation after awhile,I have another drive in me that keeps me going.
I'd like to think it comes from the same energy that I originally began with. Sometimes even more than that I lose myself simultaneously. I get lost in my own little world when I dance. Somewhat similiar to when you get lost in a world when you love someone close to you,the love of a best friend. It's silently understood with a bond or a contract that doesn't need either parties signatures. Dancing for me just frees my soul,heart,body.spirit,&& mind. I don't dance for show, I don't dance for you, I dance for me, I dance for fun. Judge me if you will,but given the chance I'd just dance with you in hope of you seeing how much joy && peace that derives from within me.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
As I begin to understand myself a little better bit by bit every other day,I thank the Lord for creating me in His image in His Way. At first it seems all too habitual to say the least, to repeat myself over && over again when the meaning begins to feel so weak. I stop to think && breathe for just a few moments to catch my breath, && hear my heart's movements to open my eyes && see what cannot be the person,the spirit He's molded me to be, His daughter, His Own, through the image && likeness of His Son,to live a life that is not "mine" but each day offered up to Him as He sits on His Holy Throne.
To be like Him, in the Image of one's self.There's nothing that can compare to what society has made us believe in,found within power && wealth.To live life unnoticed has no truth at all,for I believe our 'first' notice was far beyond when we were created in our mothers womb,so small && curled into a liquid-like ball.
not one of our features are the same to say in one aspect,but the same in the eyes of God who has planned out this life && is always with us && for me,is a kind of hero;the Lord who holds me close && bring me out of my worries && fears keeping me safe,sending Jesus as a friend,a brother,through another person,through Jesus,Himself,'my' prince to the rescue.
-august 7th 2008 roxanne marie s. perez
To be like Him, in the Image of one's self.There's nothing that can compare to what society has made us believe in,found within power && wealth.To live life unnoticed has no truth at all,for I believe our 'first' notice was far beyond when we were created in our mothers womb,so small && curled into a liquid-like ball.
not one of our features are the same to say in one aspect,but the same in the eyes of God who has planned out this life && is always with us && for me,is a kind of hero;the Lord who holds me close && bring me out of my worries && fears keeping me safe,sending Jesus as a friend,a brother,through another person,through Jesus,Himself,'my' prince to the rescue.
-august 7th 2008 roxanne marie s. perez
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
untitleed
how do you tell one of your best friends that the girl he fell in love with was only using him for the mere experience of the idea of having a boyfriend? that from the start she was only attracted to you because you told her she was ugly && maarte which is true for she is self-centered && doesn't act her age of eighteen.
she influenced his relationship with his cousin who was your best friend in the big family you have, aside from his brother,because now they don't even talk.all his titas dislike her from the beginning because they already saw it coming && she tried playing him && his cousin. his cousin took himself out && well now the two cousins are alright but he's the one who can't even communicatee with her at all.since the start,she denied their relationship to her parents && so did he until one night he really couldn't take it anymore since he,one of my best friends started crying.his stepmom already told him to just be friends so he wouldn't be hurt.-obviously we all know you can't prevent feeling the way people do towards another regardless how hard we try.-
but look at it now.she stays denying everything,her parents both know.mind you her mom is all about the social status of what school you attend who you date && all that,&& since he comes from the province, that's not enough.maybe for your mom that isn't enough but she can't decide so much who you end up liking....you said you love him,yet you kept it a secret,you were planning to go away for college && not tell him,saying he's going to find out once you're gone, you told me that if I ended up liking him you'd be happy for me....well you tell me what kind of love is that? number one. he isn't like a toy where if you don't want it anymore you can give it away.number two.what do you think of me? && number three.that should tell you something bout yourself && the whole relationship you had with my best friend. you say you love him,but can't love him whole-heartedly because you compare yourself to his ex,his first love.you want your first boyfriend to be his first girlfriend so you both can be each other's first loves'.which is fine for that's what you want but what does that mean for your relationship with my best friend? a fling for the mid-spring to summer? you say you love him && he's told you he loves you,yet you still don't know how much you've influenced his life && changed him && now because of her lies && what she made him truly believe was okay having a Mutual Understanding relationship,you stopped picking up his calls && answering his ims && so what is happening now,you played my best friend,he can't even talk to me about it as much as he used to because he hurts that much && even you,won't tlk to me as well tellin me how we were best friends yet you are always amazed about how much I know about tfc or movies && actors as if I don't take pride && joy in being a filipino american since usually the ones you know are americanized....
now you're going to freshman year of college at 18 && he's 17 going to sophomore year of college you both can talk to each other && as much as he'd love to,he stopped trying since you've ignored his every try. you stayed thinking it was okay to keep everything a secret,you've caused drama within his family,you've made him look like the bad-guy since your parents trust you so much saying how innocent you are but everything leads back to you && you have nothing to say,you're totally speechless.
I know everything will be okay in time,but I'm sorry for you who used one of my best friends to get an experience of having a boyfriend && tried to hide it from your parents;hiding it in the first place was the first mistake && denying everything that has happened when you were the one who started kissing him,&& then used me as your safety to be around each other since your mom won't let you hang out with him && his brothers without me there-which,for me,shows how much your parents trust you or them when all our parents are best friends&&fyi it doesn't matter if you're 18 or older when you started making plans to go here && there without parental approval while you still live under their house,their rules,you just screwed yourself over && everyone you involve.--
he's a down-to-earth person yet it unfortunate that his heart he gave to you wasn't enough or up to your standards....
she influenced his relationship with his cousin who was your best friend in the big family you have, aside from his brother,because now they don't even talk.all his titas dislike her from the beginning because they already saw it coming && she tried playing him && his cousin. his cousin took himself out && well now the two cousins are alright but he's the one who can't even communicatee with her at all.since the start,she denied their relationship to her parents && so did he until one night he really couldn't take it anymore since he,one of my best friends started crying.his stepmom already told him to just be friends so he wouldn't be hurt.-obviously we all know you can't prevent feeling the way people do towards another regardless how hard we try.-
but look at it now.she stays denying everything,her parents both know.mind you her mom is all about the social status of what school you attend who you date && all that,&& since he comes from the province, that's not enough.maybe for your mom that isn't enough but she can't decide so much who you end up liking....you said you love him,yet you kept it a secret,you were planning to go away for college && not tell him,saying he's going to find out once you're gone, you told me that if I ended up liking him you'd be happy for me....well you tell me what kind of love is that? number one. he isn't like a toy where if you don't want it anymore you can give it away.number two.what do you think of me? && number three.that should tell you something bout yourself && the whole relationship you had with my best friend. you say you love him,but can't love him whole-heartedly because you compare yourself to his ex,his first love.you want your first boyfriend to be his first girlfriend so you both can be each other's first loves'.which is fine for that's what you want but what does that mean for your relationship with my best friend? a fling for the mid-spring to summer? you say you love him && he's told you he loves you,yet you still don't know how much you've influenced his life && changed him && now because of her lies && what she made him truly believe was okay having a Mutual Understanding relationship,you stopped picking up his calls && answering his ims && so what is happening now,you played my best friend,he can't even talk to me about it as much as he used to because he hurts that much && even you,won't tlk to me as well tellin me how we were best friends yet you are always amazed about how much I know about tfc or movies && actors as if I don't take pride && joy in being a filipino american since usually the ones you know are americanized....
now you're going to freshman year of college at 18 && he's 17 going to sophomore year of college you both can talk to each other && as much as he'd love to,he stopped trying since you've ignored his every try. you stayed thinking it was okay to keep everything a secret,you've caused drama within his family,you've made him look like the bad-guy since your parents trust you so much saying how innocent you are but everything leads back to you && you have nothing to say,you're totally speechless.
I know everything will be okay in time,but I'm sorry for you who used one of my best friends to get an experience of having a boyfriend && tried to hide it from your parents;hiding it in the first place was the first mistake && denying everything that has happened when you were the one who started kissing him,&& then used me as your safety to be around each other since your mom won't let you hang out with him && his brothers without me there-which,for me,shows how much your parents trust you or them when all our parents are best friends&&fyi it doesn't matter if you're 18 or older when you started making plans to go here && there without parental approval while you still live under their house,their rules,you just screwed yourself over && everyone you involve.--
he's a down-to-earth person yet it unfortunate that his heart he gave to you wasn't enough or up to your standards....
Thursday, July 24, 2008
yaya
So I've been in North Carolina since Monday and the environment here isn't too bad. It's a little slower paced than NY but at the same time it's a nice feeling where I can think thoroughly throughout the day with no stress.I've been with my ninong and ninang so far but last night I decided to go to my Kuya Johnathan's house and stay wtih Ate Rachel and baby Aura Mahal since all I've done was wake up at my ninong's,shower,eat breakfast,then walk for five minutes to go to the next house.Down the street,turn right til the end then walk past a bunch of houses til the end of the line of houses.The neighborhood reminds me of a movie set or something.The grass is like carpet and feels like it too.The grass that you'd actually like to lay on.It reminds me of NOW and THEN but with way nicer houses.I'm pretty much like my baby cousin's yaya/baby-sitter while Ate Rachel is busy with errands and household duties for the rest of the family to come and visit in and out of the house for Aura's christening on Sunday.She's one of the most happiest babies I've ever known!She's always smiling unless she's tired or hungry.But the best part of her smiling is right after she wakes up from her nap and well just like her dad,she reaches those high notes.She doesn't scream for tantrums she screams to speak and express herself with a smile on her face and because her dad taught her.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
nothing new
So I've been blogging here and there between the many blog sites I own,but no matter where I post them,few people read as it should be.Besides the people who do read them know more or less about me anyway.
Each day is another I get to live.Another day to make mistakes,to fix some,and well for about two weeks now each days passes with me kinda broken-hearted just like the song by aj rafael <3.I don't know exactly when I will learn that as close to a friend,a guy,will I be able to prevent myself from becoming infatuated with him or with the mere idea that maybe one day he'll say I'm his...But for me that's not the case and never has been.The case once however, was having the guy think I was his girlfriend when all we were/are just friends. I don't know why I'm even writing this blog entry so much as to why I'd take the time to think about almost everything that I see when it comes to the heart.I do know that for the past two years I've been hoping that he would see me as his potential girlfriend,pretty pathetic really. Just having him around me and believe that he was 'protective' over me when I was with my other friends especially two of my friends who he dislikes. Yet he never did anything because of me.But I guess that's where I fell. I fell into that idea that the behavior he always had, when on guard with everything lessened when I asked, right before he had the 'look' on his face to get up and do something.
I'm confused on how to feel, once I knew that he only saw me as a friend and he is fully aware that I like him and I'm still very confused now. Sure I've accepted it for the most part for I know I can't change that and I can still be around him without hesitation so much as to he asks me to go with him somewhere or sit by him but what hurts the most is knowing he sees me as a friend yet acts differently when I am near him. That's the second failure of mine over-analyzing everything he does even though everyone tells me that he's always like that no matter who you are and well for him its not his fault if you see it more than what it really isn't. I don't think I'd like to admit it out loud but I sure fooled myself in believing that the kind of friendship we have is what I've mistaken for what 'love' is. But I will say that if 'love'is what it was before I knew how he felt about me then I can't wait to feel that again with someone who loves me just the same.
I won't deny that what I know and what I've felt for him was 'love',well my idea of it and how I see it. Regardless of how he feels bout me just as friends, as much as I saw it coming, it still hurt when i i fully knew..Before I knew I prepared myself in saying its either he likes you just the same or just as a friend, whichever the answer there's nothing that you've got to lose and you shouldn't because he's a great friend, plus the only time you should feel really hurt is if he totally ignores you or you ignore him.
I still believe that and there is nothing that I've lost that's major but minor in the loss of feeling that extra 'hope and wonder' of wanting to know and using that as part of my joy around him. I admit for the first week around him, it was on and off.Whether I should just be around him and smile or just be there. Well I did my best and I can't lie bout this, as many times as I look his way, there's a part of me that breaks. I try convincing myself to smile and laugh as I used to but I can't. I can't feel as 'carefree' as I did in not caring who was around or just smile endlessly inside and out. I care about him and I always will but its a little harder for me to show it.Since now I feel as if I show it, I will go back to where I started.It's not that I don't want to feel full of hopes and wishes but I also don't want to be wishfully thinking about something that isn't true based on the reality of truth that has finally surfaced.
There's a difference when you're just dreaming and when you're awake to the here and now of the present. This isn't anything new for me as to 'falling' for someone but what is new is that I don't want this to end as the other situations have for I believe this is very different from the rest.For I believe as much as I think about it every other day that if this is what I've been telling myself and everyone else of how much I truly care about him the way I do despite all his actions and his past and all the behaviors he expresses including the endless bs stories of this and him doing that.I LOVE... I can't help it.And yes, I do believe that if it's meant to be our paths will cross once again for something to happen if not just close enough that the very friendship we have now will be full of depth where we could really tell each other almost everything not afraid or hesistant in doing so.The pure joy&happiness&&love that I've felt around him or when we watch movies on the couch and lean on each other not caring really who sees.The very feeling of being comfortable around one another.I believe we could feel that still but at the moment I'm just over analyzing as alwaays on how thats hard to do now when really there's no problem at all just the fact of me knowing that drives me a-wall to be careful about my own actions and mannerisms.
I LOVE...that's how it will be for me anyways.forever&&a day<3
I'd go through this all over again and again. The endless thinking of him and when I'll see him again.Waiting for him to go online,waiting for his silly faces to show when he sees me,the dramatizations of being together for fun and for show,the shared passions. Well I don't know, I really dont know what all this means but what I do know is he has changed my life, he will be remememberd in my every day of living for there's always something that reminds me of him&&well we're still pretty close now that won't change anytime soon soo as much as I'm kinda broken hearted I'd rather him be the one that broke part of it.
JULY 16
"Come Holy Spirit, and help me open my eyes to see the good in what feels bad. Even Isaiah told you about feeling like this. Your promises uplifted that servant long ago. Do the same with this servant"
saint mary's press TAKE TEN-daily bible reflections for teens
jean marie hiesberger&maureen gallagher
Each day is another I get to live.Another day to make mistakes,to fix some,and well for about two weeks now each days passes with me kinda broken-hearted just like the song by aj rafael <3.I don't know exactly when I will learn that as close to a friend,a guy,will I be able to prevent myself from becoming infatuated with him or with the mere idea that maybe one day he'll say I'm his...But for me that's not the case and never has been.The case once however, was having the guy think I was his girlfriend when all we were/are just friends. I don't know why I'm even writing this blog entry so much as to why I'd take the time to think about almost everything that I see when it comes to the heart.I do know that for the past two years I've been hoping that he would see me as his potential girlfriend,pretty pathetic really. Just having him around me and believe that he was 'protective' over me when I was with my other friends especially two of my friends who he dislikes. Yet he never did anything because of me.But I guess that's where I fell. I fell into that idea that the behavior he always had, when on guard with everything lessened when I asked, right before he had the 'look' on his face to get up and do something.
I'm confused on how to feel, once I knew that he only saw me as a friend and he is fully aware that I like him and I'm still very confused now. Sure I've accepted it for the most part for I know I can't change that and I can still be around him without hesitation so much as to he asks me to go with him somewhere or sit by him but what hurts the most is knowing he sees me as a friend yet acts differently when I am near him. That's the second failure of mine over-analyzing everything he does even though everyone tells me that he's always like that no matter who you are and well for him its not his fault if you see it more than what it really isn't. I don't think I'd like to admit it out loud but I sure fooled myself in believing that the kind of friendship we have is what I've mistaken for what 'love' is. But I will say that if 'love'is what it was before I knew how he felt about me then I can't wait to feel that again with someone who loves me just the same.
I won't deny that what I know and what I've felt for him was 'love',well my idea of it and how I see it. Regardless of how he feels bout me just as friends, as much as I saw it coming, it still hurt when i i fully knew..Before I knew I prepared myself in saying its either he likes you just the same or just as a friend, whichever the answer there's nothing that you've got to lose and you shouldn't because he's a great friend, plus the only time you should feel really hurt is if he totally ignores you or you ignore him.
I still believe that and there is nothing that I've lost that's major but minor in the loss of feeling that extra 'hope and wonder' of wanting to know and using that as part of my joy around him. I admit for the first week around him, it was on and off.Whether I should just be around him and smile or just be there. Well I did my best and I can't lie bout this, as many times as I look his way, there's a part of me that breaks. I try convincing myself to smile and laugh as I used to but I can't. I can't feel as 'carefree' as I did in not caring who was around or just smile endlessly inside and out. I care about him and I always will but its a little harder for me to show it.Since now I feel as if I show it, I will go back to where I started.It's not that I don't want to feel full of hopes and wishes but I also don't want to be wishfully thinking about something that isn't true based on the reality of truth that has finally surfaced.
There's a difference when you're just dreaming and when you're awake to the here and now of the present. This isn't anything new for me as to 'falling' for someone but what is new is that I don't want this to end as the other situations have for I believe this is very different from the rest.For I believe as much as I think about it every other day that if this is what I've been telling myself and everyone else of how much I truly care about him the way I do despite all his actions and his past and all the behaviors he expresses including the endless bs stories of this and him doing that.I LOVE... I can't help it.And yes, I do believe that if it's meant to be our paths will cross once again for something to happen if not just close enough that the very friendship we have now will be full of depth where we could really tell each other almost everything not afraid or hesistant in doing so.The pure joy&happiness&&love that I've felt around him or when we watch movies on the couch and lean on each other not caring really who sees.The very feeling of being comfortable around one another.I believe we could feel that still but at the moment I'm just over analyzing as alwaays on how thats hard to do now when really there's no problem at all just the fact of me knowing that drives me a-wall to be careful about my own actions and mannerisms.
I LOVE...that's how it will be for me anyways.forever&&a day<3
I'd go through this all over again and again. The endless thinking of him and when I'll see him again.Waiting for him to go online,waiting for his silly faces to show when he sees me,the dramatizations of being together for fun and for show,the shared passions. Well I don't know, I really dont know what all this means but what I do know is he has changed my life, he will be remememberd in my every day of living for there's always something that reminds me of him&&well we're still pretty close now that won't change anytime soon soo as much as I'm kinda broken hearted I'd rather him be the one that broke part of it.
JULY 16
"Come Holy Spirit, and help me open my eyes to see the good in what feels bad. Even Isaiah told you about feeling like this. Your promises uplifted that servant long ago. Do the same with this servant"
saint mary's press TAKE TEN-daily bible reflections for teens
jean marie hiesberger&maureen gallagher
Monday, July 7, 2008
summer so far
So as each day passes,there's always room to look back and see what I've learned, what I've done and what else is in store.Well, I've talked to someone that i haven't talked to since March due to misunderstandings, so I think that's pretty cool and well we're going to be together with our families for a good week so there's no more awkward silences anymore =). After the best of the best constantly telling me the same thing over and over, I finally decided to take it into consideration for the happiness of myself and not in a selfish manner, start caring about my well being. I don't know exactly what my ambitions are in life yet, but I do know I would like to be consistent with the atmosphere of music and dance. Sure, I haven't taken any classes for dance or music but hopefully this Septemeber I'll be able to attend Diller-Quaile for music. Maybe, God-willingly. Lately, everything has a 'new light' in the way my perspectives have been slightly altered and every aspect of life is truly beautiful. Whether or not I stay home for hours or go out alone or with people that I've grown to love and those who love and care about me just the same. I'm waiting to go out with a few people soon for fun of course and to do a few things for personal growth. Hopefully some of the events thst are in progress of being planned, goes as planned.
As of right now, I just want this summer to be a summer where I personally want to grow, with people around me, and most especially God Himself. Granted, I know nothing about what is to be planned out for my life or what God has in store for me at all.
This is the summer before my senior year begins, so many decisions are needed to be made and certain things that are needed to be arranged in a timely-order. A summer where I learn from my mistakes and learn from all the complaints that have been complained about. A summer that won't be forrgetable. A summer that all in all should be happier than sad.A summer with priceless moments with family and friends and being around them as much as possible. It may be high expectations at first, but honestly, these expectations have mostly come to surface with being true. All I ever need has been given to me in one way or another not short of any blessing. I know that all the necessities for 'my' life is granted unto me through God and knowing that, is all that matters. Words are insufficient to the expressions that are inexplainable and for that very reason I'm forever grateful.
As of right now, I just want this summer to be a summer where I personally want to grow, with people around me, and most especially God Himself. Granted, I know nothing about what is to be planned out for my life or what God has in store for me at all.
This is the summer before my senior year begins, so many decisions are needed to be made and certain things that are needed to be arranged in a timely-order. A summer where I learn from my mistakes and learn from all the complaints that have been complained about. A summer that won't be forrgetable. A summer that all in all should be happier than sad.A summer with priceless moments with family and friends and being around them as much as possible. It may be high expectations at first, but honestly, these expectations have mostly come to surface with being true. All I ever need has been given to me in one way or another not short of any blessing. I know that all the necessities for 'my' life is granted unto me through God and knowing that, is all that matters. Words are insufficient to the expressions that are inexplainable and for that very reason I'm forever grateful.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
thank you God
So I've just heard word, and Camille is fine. The surgery was successful and she pretty much slept the whole day because of the anesthesia.Plus I will visit her tomorrow probably in the a.m. so I'm glad.Thank you to all those who prayed and was concerned =) There's just so much in the world that we sometimes forget about the littlest things that we do and the things we take for granted. But that's how life goes. Nonetheless, we learn from what we've done or what we haven't accomplished yet in the very life we've been blessed with. I may only be sixteen years of age, but I've learned a few things so far.
o1. no matter how many times we've messed up and it seems as if all is lost, i'd rather be lost in God's presence,knowing He's forgiven me and forgives me before hand.
o2. everyone that I've encountered thus far, has impacted 'my' life and there's a reason I've met them.
o3. there's no greater love than the love of parents regardless the lack of expression.
o4. family is still family and family is everywhere with and without being within the family tree of blood.
o5. education is one of the many presents that no one can take away from me.
o6. friends may come and go but down the road, they may also come back
o7. sometimes we're afraid of who we are and what we could become,but when we are ourselves we become more afraid of what we haven't been.
o8. the paths we take in life don't determine where we're headed, they're only a guidline of what destination we can reach.
o9. the ideas we have on happiness aren't what make us happy when achieved but the happiness that comes from creating the ideas themselves.
1o. during the times when we would love to run away,we realize that we haven't been running away from anything but ourselves.
11. love is whatever we want it to be, but in everything that it is or that it isn't, love has no rules.
o1. no matter how many times we've messed up and it seems as if all is lost, i'd rather be lost in God's presence,knowing He's forgiven me and forgives me before hand.
o2. everyone that I've encountered thus far, has impacted 'my' life and there's a reason I've met them.
o3. there's no greater love than the love of parents regardless the lack of expression.
o4. family is still family and family is everywhere with and without being within the family tree of blood.
o5. education is one of the many presents that no one can take away from me.
o6. friends may come and go but down the road, they may also come back
o7. sometimes we're afraid of who we are and what we could become,but when we are ourselves we become more afraid of what we haven't been.
o8. the paths we take in life don't determine where we're headed, they're only a guidline of what destination we can reach.
o9. the ideas we have on happiness aren't what make us happy when achieved but the happiness that comes from creating the ideas themselves.
1o. during the times when we would love to run away,we realize that we haven't been running away from anything but ourselves.
11. love is whatever we want it to be, but in everything that it is or that it isn't, love has no rules.
start of the summer
So basically today was the first day of my summer.Didn't do much today but sleep away the feeling that has made a confused for a good day or so.I'm pretty happy that there is no summer school for me and that I just have to register to take the August 13th math b regents which isn't so bad. So I'm technically a senior but not until September. As usual,my perspective's constantly changing.Change isn't always said to be bad or wrong,but it all depends on your aspect of change itself and what you want to be changed.So the whole un-named friendship/relationship is still un-named but there's nothing wrong.So why wonder when nothing's wrong.In everything that has come to play in this life is and was beautiful. Beautiful in the way it has taught me what I've learned in life continuously including today and right now.To truly entrust my life in the Lord, and know that everything will follow. I know I have to be a little more open,trusting,faithful,and a little more hopeful. Lord into your hands I pray for your daughter Camille Sico, for today she has gone through a heart surgery as young as thirteen. Lord, I myself don't know what time it was or what the diagnosis maybe,BUT I do know Lord, this day has especially affected all the ones she loves and the ones who love her.In You God, we trust. Heal her Lord and bless her even more than the blessings you have already bestowed on her and within her so much as to an understanding heart.
LIFT UP YOUR HANDS TO GOD AND HE'LL SHOW ME THE WAY.
"COME TO ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST."
LIFT UP YOUR HANDS TO GOD AND HE'LL SHOW ME THE WAY.
"COME TO ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST."
Sunday, June 29, 2008
one thing I refuse to over analyze
Of all the things I've over analyzed for the longest time,this is one thing I refuse to over analyze.So this type of friendship has no name&&is pretty interesting to explain but silly at the same time when said outloud.But this is the one thing I will not overanalyze, but state the facts on.
So everything about it is different&&semi-out of the norm.But it's normal for the both of us regardless what anyone says.I love every moment of it&&I have no regrets.Without a doubt would I rather know for sure what the "answer" would be,but at the same time I already know. With knowing the answer,honestly I'm just afraid that something will go wrong. Of course knowing that something may go wrong will not be what will hold me back in any of my actions as it has done before with others,but it has crossed my mind&&it is now out of my system. With everything, there is a balance. When I lift everything up to God, all will follow =).
So far as I know,this is just one of those unspoken deals.The deal where all he does is protect me as much as possible&&give "the eye" to whoever is around me. Well keep the closest eyes on me and make sure I'm close within his reach. Sure he trusts me but its everyone else he "knows" that he doesn't trust as much. Its one of those friendships that there's no pressure from either one of the two.But the mini-fear of losing each other when in attempt of a risk. Whatever the circumstance,it's also unspoken yet known that we're both going to be there for the other no matter what or who tries to tell us otherwise.
For me,its one of the greatest gifts in 'my' life.The peace of mind,heart,body&&soul --other than being on a full retreat from the world&&in the full focus of God throughout my life =]-- I feel when we're within reach of each other.The kind of happiness that's hard to explain&&hard to forget.Granted we don't know where we'll be going in the future&&what will happen,but I believe nothing will drastically change anyway.Besides,in God's Hands I offer this up.This especially since day one&&it hasn't failed.Its one of those things that you know&&you're just 'sure' within your heart.
So everything about it is different&&semi-out of the norm.But it's normal for the both of us regardless what anyone says.I love every moment of it&&I have no regrets.Without a doubt would I rather know for sure what the "answer" would be,but at the same time I already know. With knowing the answer,honestly I'm just afraid that something will go wrong. Of course knowing that something may go wrong will not be what will hold me back in any of my actions as it has done before with others,but it has crossed my mind&&it is now out of my system. With everything, there is a balance. When I lift everything up to God, all will follow =).
So far as I know,this is just one of those unspoken deals.The deal where all he does is protect me as much as possible&&give "the eye" to whoever is around me. Well keep the closest eyes on me and make sure I'm close within his reach. Sure he trusts me but its everyone else he "knows" that he doesn't trust as much. Its one of those friendships that there's no pressure from either one of the two.But the mini-fear of losing each other when in attempt of a risk. Whatever the circumstance,it's also unspoken yet known that we're both going to be there for the other no matter what or who tries to tell us otherwise.
For me,its one of the greatest gifts in 'my' life.The peace of mind,heart,body&&soul --other than being on a full retreat from the world&&in the full focus of God throughout my life =]-- I feel when we're within reach of each other.The kind of happiness that's hard to explain&&hard to forget.Granted we don't know where we'll be going in the future&&what will happen,but I believe nothing will drastically change anyway.Besides,in God's Hands I offer this up.This especially since day one&&it hasn't failed.Its one of those things that you know&&you're just 'sure' within your heart.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
concealed
There's been so many things that I've been concealing inside of me that it's as if I'm battling against something that just won't go away.I've been battling against myself.Concealing everything and have it all well up inside.All I can do is just cry randomly and hurt all over. That "feeling" of someone taking my heart and tearing it away.The feeling of being trapped where no one can hear me or see me hurt.I've created so many walls that tower over me that lately I've been knocking down foot by foot. In doing so,more wounds open and hurt 10x more than the first time the wound was open. Sucks to read right? but it sucks to say that this is what I've been harboring for awhile now and now is when all I'd love to do is yell,scream,kick&&everything to release all this unwanted pain.I wish I could feel that happiness I have and that peace that continuously shows when I dance all the stress away.
I wish I could run away...just pack up and leave...Stay in a home that feels home-like.Because that's far from where I am.If you consider a house where no one talks to each other unless they need something from you,where everyone and everything is misunderstood,where there is more arguements and remarks of failure,the reference to your so called home a garage a home than that's what type of home I live in. Where its literally a place for people to just sleep and if lucky enough eat together than that's where I live. Where the least bit of respect is held to value&&disappointment lingers than that's where I live. When the activities you enjoy the most are taken away from you and you get reprimanded for giving off attitude every now and then than thats the atmosphere I live in,breathe&&part of me dies each passing day.Where all the pictures I've taken and posted are not of my immediate family but my extended then that's selfexplaintory in itself. Where the family photos are everywhere but just for show.Everything has its balance.So I'm guessing that this is just what I need to make that balance complete,as I type this entry I cry for several reasons.I dont exactly know if this entry makes any sense when you read it but its helping me ever so slightly. I wonder what would happen if I ever did run away or just maybe never wake up.Be in a coma.So emo&&no where near who I am.If you were to hear me now,you'd feel my hurt and sense of emptyness and being soo lost. All I can say now is that "Lord in you I entrust this life,to lift everything in Your name&&find comfort within Your OPEN ARMS."
I know I'll be better soon..........
I wish I could run away...just pack up and leave...Stay in a home that feels home-like.Because that's far from where I am.If you consider a house where no one talks to each other unless they need something from you,where everyone and everything is misunderstood,where there is more arguements and remarks of failure,the reference to your so called home a garage a home than that's what type of home I live in. Where its literally a place for people to just sleep and if lucky enough eat together than that's where I live. Where the least bit of respect is held to value&&disappointment lingers than that's where I live. When the activities you enjoy the most are taken away from you and you get reprimanded for giving off attitude every now and then than thats the atmosphere I live in,breathe&&part of me dies each passing day.Where all the pictures I've taken and posted are not of my immediate family but my extended then that's selfexplaintory in itself. Where the family photos are everywhere but just for show.Everything has its balance.So I'm guessing that this is just what I need to make that balance complete,as I type this entry I cry for several reasons.I dont exactly know if this entry makes any sense when you read it but its helping me ever so slightly. I wonder what would happen if I ever did run away or just maybe never wake up.Be in a coma.So emo&&no where near who I am.If you were to hear me now,you'd feel my hurt and sense of emptyness and being soo lost. All I can say now is that "Lord in you I entrust this life,to lift everything in Your name&&find comfort within Your OPEN ARMS."
I know I'll be better soon..........
Monday, June 23, 2008
she's leaving
Miss filipiniana was unorganized but I had tons of fun regardless tht ms luzon was late,she tried to outstage me w| her dress,she changed also in a red dress which was the same blue dress(frm adriannes debut) but she didn't end up dancing.I changed into my ate's orange dress && it worked out better so there. I danced with my dad && with both my escorts.yes I was blessed with two =).Thank you both, I messed up the tango but only seldom people noticed. I stunned my dad with my flip as my Ate told me a relay of my dad's facial expression(oh you flip,putang ina mo) lol. My kuya met all my friends literally&&all the people that matter to me most =)&&he thinks they're all cool. Plus he's planning to go to this years LSS woohooo<3 can't waiitt. We went to nikki's house for a bit then to kuya calvin's for tita faye's baby showwer,then to adrianne's housee as we waited outsidee&then went to the basement. Interceded as one family<3. It was different for my kuya,but he's searching for God willingly nowadays && I'm very proud. So I thank God he was with me && I spent the whole day with him&&mdp<3 (lol) sad part of the day was that alothough it hasn't fully hit me hard that one of my bestfriends is leaving for good, I still don't havee words to say to her. Sure what I said in the video is true,no doubt. But there's "so much that is said unheardd"
&& there's no letter this time,sorry batch. There's not enough paper or ink that'll work.I will really miss you though....mail me pasalubong please =)....hahaha....I'll visit you one day&&we'll go to absinth when we're old enough&&I'll give you && ure fam the hook up! Well I know somewhat what I need to say to you to your face && I will in a good 8 hours when I visit you. All the talks we've had since 07 all the deep convos&&well that one time I didn't tlk to you for a good two to three days =p
Man oh man now I'm mixed up w| mr.pictureperfect&&mr.perfectpicture,oh no I jus rememberd hahahahaha.I'm pretty sure you're keeping tht photo && posting it somewhere&&probably will wait for tht long distance phonecall saying tht it's true. Insiders are fun! Why won't thiss contract burn?I don't recall every signing this one =)
I'm really going to miss you batchh&&I'm sure someone will take care of ahemm but you still cann even though ure miles && miles away.
*now I know wht someone thinks of me&&the more it makes me confused,i loovvvee this feeeeliiing though&the more I seem infatuatedd w| the idea,it may not be "love" but it's a different kind of love,love of a friend&&infatuation of something a little deeper....maybee...
&& there's no letter this time,sorry batch. There's not enough paper or ink that'll work.I will really miss you though....mail me pasalubong please =)....hahaha....I'll visit you one day&&we'll go to absinth when we're old enough&&I'll give you && ure fam the hook up! Well I know somewhat what I need to say to you to your face && I will in a good 8 hours when I visit you. All the talks we've had since 07 all the deep convos&&well that one time I didn't tlk to you for a good two to three days =p
Man oh man now I'm mixed up w| mr.pictureperfect&&mr.perfectpicture,oh no I jus rememberd hahahahaha.I'm pretty sure you're keeping tht photo && posting it somewhere&&probably will wait for tht long distance phonecall saying tht it's true. Insiders are fun! Why won't thiss contract burn?I don't recall every signing this one =)
I'm really going to miss you batchh&&I'm sure someone will take care of ahemm but you still cann even though ure miles && miles away.
*now I know wht someone thinks of me&&the more it makes me confused,i loovvvee this feeeeliiing though&the more I seem infatuatedd w| the idea,it may not be "love" but it's a different kind of love,love of a friend&&infatuation of something a little deeper....maybee...
Saturday, June 21, 2008
miss filipiniana
So it's the day of this event that I've been practicing for,getting yelled at for being home late,creating rough patches w| a few of the bestest,&& the same event that has increased my lack of sleep. The regents wasn't too bad&&well I finally got through the tango after inumberable times of messing up&&disappointing myself && joel bc his standards in dancing the tango are wayy up there.
I've been so distracted on && off && zone-ing out segment after segment. I believe I can pull this off though.
Adrianne's leaving in two days&&I haven't exactly been the best friend to her in all this. What she doesn't know && I haven't gotten the couragee to tell her is that when she told me she was leaving,I cried not knowing what to do && well I've acted upon that trying to have a front&&stopped thinking properly. Not the stop thinking when I dance to get all the moves right,but the loss of thought && words of not being a b!tch && semi-bitter since she is leaving. We've been through so much especially these last 2years&&it sucks ass that she is leaving.I know it's not for good,but either a year or four w| only visits as vacay&&well I'm hoping I will see her duriing those vacay visits. She hasn't even left yet && I want her to visit. I guess I'm also a little uptight bout it bc the last best friend && first best friend who moved,I haven't seen in 5 years&&I know when she ends up visiting.
Soo as I'm here at tita linda's hair salon,drying my hair,has it only dawned on me that as much as I love to conceal my feelings,I can't anymore. All of them get displaced&&I end up having mental breakdowns. Yeah,that means that I find myself crying randomly,quietly of course&&I only cry w| sounds && dramatizations whenever I'm at a healing mass or LSS && sometimes even then,I'm quiet. So I could even be in the car crying && no one would know unless you were to look directly at me.
Idk anymore,I'm still nervous about this whole day && I want it to be all over,still there's that part of me that's like I don't even want it to end. Oh && this time my whole family is going! My Ate Roslyn is singing the filipino national anthem,my Ate Rhoda made her delicious browines && she's coming too. My Kuya Marc will be there && my ninang. I'm really praying that PNYM goes! Granted that people have work,there's Tita Faye's suprise baby shower that might be cancelled&&there's Adrianne's graduation/picnic/going away gathering. So yeah,&& I'm hoping Rowan && I can make up a waltz on the spot which by the way I haven't even made the cd w| all the songs.
So much to do so little time,&& well w| my mom yeling at me here && there,she's as b!tchy as I am when days like this come to play when preparing,cooking,cleaning,&&getting ready. I'm pretty sure I get like this bc of her but whatever. If all goes well, I'll be ecstatic!
Prayers pleasee&&I hope ppl come throughh!
It starts at 2:30,@ our lady of the angelus school here across the street from my housee in rego park =)
I've been so distracted on && off && zone-ing out segment after segment. I believe I can pull this off though.
Adrianne's leaving in two days&&I haven't exactly been the best friend to her in all this. What she doesn't know && I haven't gotten the couragee to tell her is that when she told me she was leaving,I cried not knowing what to do && well I've acted upon that trying to have a front&&stopped thinking properly. Not the stop thinking when I dance to get all the moves right,but the loss of thought && words of not being a b!tch && semi-bitter since she is leaving. We've been through so much especially these last 2years&&it sucks ass that she is leaving.I know it's not for good,but either a year or four w| only visits as vacay&&well I'm hoping I will see her duriing those vacay visits. She hasn't even left yet && I want her to visit. I guess I'm also a little uptight bout it bc the last best friend && first best friend who moved,I haven't seen in 5 years&&I know when she ends up visiting.
Soo as I'm here at tita linda's hair salon,drying my hair,has it only dawned on me that as much as I love to conceal my feelings,I can't anymore. All of them get displaced&&I end up having mental breakdowns. Yeah,that means that I find myself crying randomly,quietly of course&&I only cry w| sounds && dramatizations whenever I'm at a healing mass or LSS && sometimes even then,I'm quiet. So I could even be in the car crying && no one would know unless you were to look directly at me.
Idk anymore,I'm still nervous about this whole day && I want it to be all over,still there's that part of me that's like I don't even want it to end. Oh && this time my whole family is going! My Ate Roslyn is singing the filipino national anthem,my Ate Rhoda made her delicious browines && she's coming too. My Kuya Marc will be there && my ninang. I'm really praying that PNYM goes! Granted that people have work,there's Tita Faye's suprise baby shower that might be cancelled&&there's Adrianne's graduation/picnic/going away gathering. So yeah,&& I'm hoping Rowan && I can make up a waltz on the spot which by the way I haven't even made the cd w| all the songs.
So much to do so little time,&& well w| my mom yeling at me here && there,she's as b!tchy as I am when days like this come to play when preparing,cooking,cleaning,&&getting ready. I'm pretty sure I get like this bc of her but whatever. If all goes well, I'll be ecstatic!
Prayers pleasee&&I hope ppl come throughh!
It starts at 2:30,@ our lady of the angelus school here across the street from my housee in rego park =)
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
freakkin outtt
Dmn,I'm on the brink of being a b!tch && freakkin out! So close to losing my mind && ready to explodee. So it's slowly starting && well everyone thinks it just attitude but it's really me stressing out bout everything! Take offense to me,blame me,don't talk to me at the moment that's fine.I really just need to chill && just have fun as I should be having. Today I had fun w| the mesina family which was unexpected as I was only to practice the tango which by the way got further than expected && a little less nerve racking so much as to the fact of my catching on faster && creating my own embellishment =) played tennis w| his family && kinda felt like a mother after since his parents went out together after && joel && I were left w| the kids hahhaaa. It was cool though. Made new names for the different movements && got through a little more than half the song. So much sh!t that's left to do I don't know how I'll be able to do it all. Went to ate nicki's house && learned && created the pandango sa ilaw && learrned && mastered it all within the few hours I spent there && was lucky enough to visit adrianne to stop by,so that's cool && gave me a sense of relaxation. Still freaking out bout everything && trying to figure out how people are getting there especially both my escorts =p && how everything will come to play day of && with everything that's been wandering around my thoughts,I just don't know how to deal w| it all anymore. I'm freaking out regents are tomorrow && friday! There's movie night,my semi-big day && some other event tht I'm singing at! WTF!
I'm almost losing my mind&&I can't deal w| anyone anymoreee!
I'm almost losing my mind&&I can't deal w| anyone anymoreee!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Prom was fun. From getting the rose,getting a manicure,pedicure,&&hair done hours before was cool. Going w| a friend,taking pictures,eating during the cocktail hour thinking about real food,being supised that the real food we thought tht was wasn't until we went to the bigger room,dancing,eating,being with friends was FUN.
Now,I don't know wht to do.I have 4 days left until my semi-big day,Joel && I still haven't finished the tango.I keep messing up little details&&embelishments, I'm trying to figure out how my escorts&&friends will get there, I will learn the Pangando sa Ilaw tomorrow,&&if I practice today with Joel as I hope however,being unplanned,I need to be home early for sure to practice for some song that I also have not practiced til probably a little later or right after this blog. Plus if I do practice w| Joel && call him now,he's asleep like the last time I called him.
Only a few days left for so many things it's a little depressing&&a little comforting when it's all over && I try to get used to it&&all the unwanted changes are changing as they always do which makes life difficult. It's part of growing up && it's the very part of life that we live for instead of being monotnous.
Hopefully if I don't go to summer school.then && only then will I really figure out wht I want to do in life or have a better ideal. I know it doesn't have to be set in stone && I have tht leeway of changing majors that haven't been set,but all in all, I'm placing all my burdens,troubles,&& decisions into the Hands of Our Father Above.
Not only have I been praying within a pattern of on && off,but my thoughts in itself are in words only God can hear&&prayers of hope&&despair. To truly trust with faith&&desire,but to sing like the voices of angel choirs. To sing from the heart && dance with the souls of my feet listening to the beat, to be happy once again just like the feeling up until I was age ten. Hoping to feel that again would my world be turned back upright,to know && feel everything in my life was closeness&&tight. Tight in the "ghetto"tense && not so stressful,but now that I'm a little older,that part of mylife is just a memory far away,dmn I sound dreadful....
Four days left&&I'm freaking out! I hope this all goes as planned!
*prays&&crosses fingers&
Now,I don't know wht to do.I have 4 days left until my semi-big day,Joel && I still haven't finished the tango.I keep messing up little details&&embelishments, I'm trying to figure out how my escorts&&friends will get there, I will learn the Pangando sa Ilaw tomorrow,&&if I practice today with Joel as I hope however,being unplanned,I need to be home early for sure to practice for some song that I also have not practiced til probably a little later or right after this blog. Plus if I do practice w| Joel && call him now,he's asleep like the last time I called him.
Only a few days left for so many things it's a little depressing&&a little comforting when it's all over && I try to get used to it&&all the unwanted changes are changing as they always do which makes life difficult. It's part of growing up && it's the very part of life that we live for instead of being monotnous.
Hopefully if I don't go to summer school.then && only then will I really figure out wht I want to do in life or have a better ideal. I know it doesn't have to be set in stone && I have tht leeway of changing majors that haven't been set,but all in all, I'm placing all my burdens,troubles,&& decisions into the Hands of Our Father Above.
Not only have I been praying within a pattern of on && off,but my thoughts in itself are in words only God can hear&&prayers of hope&&despair. To truly trust with faith&&desire,but to sing like the voices of angel choirs. To sing from the heart && dance with the souls of my feet listening to the beat, to be happy once again just like the feeling up until I was age ten. Hoping to feel that again would my world be turned back upright,to know && feel everything in my life was closeness&&tight. Tight in the "ghetto"tense && not so stressful,but now that I'm a little older,that part of mylife is just a memory far away,dmn I sound dreadful....
Four days left&&I'm freaking out! I hope this all goes as planned!
*prays&&crosses fingers&
Thursday, June 12, 2008
wooohooo
Never thought I'd be going to prom this year...but I am now! I was invited last minute but it's all good. Prom at EMHS w.Jerome! Hehehe the morning was a drag but after the finals for earth science and english it got better.Went to have my interview for prom&&chilled with Nikki&&Ate Kristin&&some dude.Haha.Went to Joel's for practice which was fun.Plus I practiced in heels for once.It wasn't too bad.Adrianne&&Rachel made pineapple cupcakes which I personally added nutella and a strawberry =) even tho Joel ate it&&tried really hard to play it off as if he didn't eat it...loser....it was fun&&it was very tasty&&as always when it comes to me and dancing,you can tell me the little details&&show me a million times but it'll only come out as perfect as you'd like when I dont think.I mean it's fine telling me the basis but you can't count on me to get it down packed with each single movement,it just happens to be more 'perfect&&natural' when I dont think.I know it sounds weird but that's how it is.It kinda sucked when I speared Joel in the ankle twice today but he didn't drop me...today...lol.ONE WEEK LEFT!
=)
=)
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
cant imagine
Somehow it's very difficult for me to complete the easiest tasks in general lately. I've been supressing basically everything&&its all been catching up with me.Since Monday,everything became a little more complex.Back muscle spasm&&now I'm getting sick after a whole year of being healthy.But that's how it goes...I've distanced myself from real people who are always there for me&&me for them,yet it hasn't been.Obviously, in all seriousness we all understand each other, but I've just been missing out on everything&&truly just missing them.This month is pretty busy&&this week I dont even think I can meet up with Joel to practice.Which now translates to everyday next week,GOD WILLINGLY! Two weeks left until the semi-big day.
SATs is this Saturday,not sure if I'm ready per say, but it was bound to happen soon.I'm coughing from the change of weather.Oh well,I'll try to be a trooper.Lately,majority of the titas think that I'm being courted by Andrew, which is pretty funny, at least we both think so. But, we're just best friends =)
I really pray that Rowan goes through with everything as he said he would.But hopefully he will agree with wearing the barong tagalog&&waltz with me before I waltz with my dad.I sure do pray he'll agree. I also pray that PNYM goes&&I hope it turns out the way I'm thinking it will turn out.
School's ending&& I feel that I'm learning so much more about myself&the actual subjects that I've been takin for a whole year, so much better.
SATs is this Saturday,not sure if I'm ready per say, but it was bound to happen soon.I'm coughing from the change of weather.Oh well,I'll try to be a trooper.Lately,majority of the titas think that I'm being courted by Andrew, which is pretty funny, at least we both think so. But, we're just best friends =)
I really pray that Rowan goes through with everything as he said he would.But hopefully he will agree with wearing the barong tagalog&&waltz with me before I waltz with my dad.I sure do pray he'll agree. I also pray that PNYM goes&&I hope it turns out the way I'm thinking it will turn out.
School's ending&& I feel that I'm learning so much more about myself&the actual subjects that I've been takin for a whole year, so much better.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
LOVE
love comes and goes for some
BUT
love is actually unconditional
love can only be given
love isnt something that can be taken away
love comes with happiness
love comes with pain
love isnt supposed to be painful
BUT
love is painful in the case of how much we care
love is what we all want from each other
love is what keeps us alive when we were infants
love isnt what we always think it seems to be
love is unexplainableilovehim<3
sometimes i think you know everything&&at times i think you have no clue,either one it has no affect on you&&it shouldnt really matter....yet its means the world to me,even if it mattered to you just a little.
ROXANNE MARIE S.PEREZ
BUT
love is actually unconditional
love can only be given
love isnt something that can be taken away
love comes with happiness
love comes with pain
love isnt supposed to be painful
BUT
love is painful in the case of how much we care
love is what we all want from each other
love is what keeps us alive when we were infants
love isnt what we always think it seems to be
love is unexplainableilovehim<3
sometimes i think you know everything&&at times i think you have no clue,either one it has no affect on you&&it shouldnt really matter....yet its means the world to me,even if it mattered to you just a little.
ROXANNE MARIE S.PEREZ
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
they disapprove
Somehow I know that all in all they are just looking out for me.They want the best for me&&know me more than I probably think I know myself.With the way I am with the way my perspectives differ from those of others.I guess I'm waiting to grow up in a sense but at the same time,I like being my age&&rather thankful for all the experiences that occur in my life.Regardless of whether they are good experiences or not.Lately, I've been thinking that my mind has been too caught up in the summer that hasn't even arrived yet.Although the last few days have been reminding me of the summer daze that I had around this time last year when my cousins from Austrailia were here&&with all the debut practices. Sigh, how I miss both my cousins&&those practices.Needless to say, that I was distracted just the same as I am yet again within the same range of people&&since this yearr even more.More filipinos coming here to the States within the family friends of my parents&&within their Music Ministry here in Elmhurst at St. Barts.It's a change for me, but in a really good way.More filipinos that are around my age&&that are my age here within the limits of my reach of a ten minute train ride or five minute drive =).
I mean it's kinda funny because I've always prayed to have teens my age within my reach of the neighborhood as well as the ones I love within PNYM<33.Yet, another family I am BLESSED to call MY OWN!
Unfortunately, I am not as fluent in tagalog as I'd like to be&&here they are wanting to be fluent in english.It works out I guess because we're all learning. As weird as I am, someway I understand kapangpangan.Ask me how I understand, I wouldn't know but somehow I understand it as much as I understand tagalog (which is plenty).Still, I don't speak tagalog based on my self-esteem of sounding wrong&&well I am gramatically incorrect.I do have plenty of help so it's cool.Oh yeah and when I do say little phrases in tagalog, they always say aww so cute! and then they mimick what I say =]
All in all,my summer&&my recent months have been filled with being with new friends&&family(who I can call my own too)&&every other week just as before with my PNYMFAMBAM<3.I'm practicing my guitar chords again&it's pretty hard&&frustrating since I'm teaching myself so much as to being nimble&&relaxed with my fingers switching in between chords.But I think at least I hope by the end of the summer I'll be able to play well.
I'd like to say I don't regret a majority of my junior year...but what I do wish I hadn't done would be slack off ever so often which is now catching up to me.The year is ending the 10th&&I can't change that. The only things I can do is suck it up&pray I have the strength to do exceptionally well on my finals®ents.That in itself is a challenge. Let alone taking the exams themselves&&ohh I can't forget! A five hour test named the SATs which is in another week!
BOY oh BOY! I really have to gear up&&have some strength stored to accomplish all of theese sleepless nights of 'studying'&&hopefully I will really study! minus the quotation marks of not studying but either blogging talkin to ppl&&or being on the phone!!!
PRAYERS PLEASE&&I WILL PRAY FOR ALL THOSE WHO ARE TAKING SUMMER CLASSES
I ALSO PRAY THAT I DONT GO TO SUMMER SCHOOL FOR PRECAL OR US HISTORY&GOVERNMENT(USHG IDK WHAT I'D DO IF I GO TO SUMMER SCHOOL FOR SOMETHING STUPID LIKE THT)
WISH ME GOODLUCK&&I HAVE MY MISS FILIPINIANA DAY COMING PRETTY SOON IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL!
_ROXANNEMARIE_
I mean it's kinda funny because I've always prayed to have teens my age within my reach of the neighborhood as well as the ones I love within PNYM<33.Yet, another family I am BLESSED to call MY OWN!
Unfortunately, I am not as fluent in tagalog as I'd like to be&&here they are wanting to be fluent in english.It works out I guess because we're all learning. As weird as I am, someway I understand kapangpangan.Ask me how I understand, I wouldn't know but somehow I understand it as much as I understand tagalog (which is plenty).Still, I don't speak tagalog based on my self-esteem of sounding wrong&&well I am gramatically incorrect.I do have plenty of help so it's cool.Oh yeah and when I do say little phrases in tagalog, they always say aww so cute! and then they mimick what I say =]
All in all,my summer&&my recent months have been filled with being with new friends&&family(who I can call my own too)&&every other week just as before with my PNYMFAMBAM<3.I'm practicing my guitar chords again&it's pretty hard&&frustrating since I'm teaching myself so much as to being nimble&&relaxed with my fingers switching in between chords.But I think at least I hope by the end of the summer I'll be able to play well.
I'd like to say I don't regret a majority of my junior year...but what I do wish I hadn't done would be slack off ever so often which is now catching up to me.The year is ending the 10th&&I can't change that. The only things I can do is suck it up&pray I have the strength to do exceptionally well on my finals®ents.That in itself is a challenge. Let alone taking the exams themselves&&ohh I can't forget! A five hour test named the SATs which is in another week!
BOY oh BOY! I really have to gear up&&have some strength stored to accomplish all of theese sleepless nights of 'studying'&&hopefully I will really study! minus the quotation marks of not studying but either blogging talkin to ppl&&or being on the phone!!!
PRAYERS PLEASE&&I WILL PRAY FOR ALL THOSE WHO ARE TAKING SUMMER CLASSES
I ALSO PRAY THAT I DONT GO TO SUMMER SCHOOL FOR PRECAL OR US HISTORY&GOVERNMENT(USHG IDK WHAT I'D DO IF I GO TO SUMMER SCHOOL FOR SOMETHING STUPID LIKE THT)
WISH ME GOODLUCK&&I HAVE MY MISS FILIPINIANA DAY COMING PRETTY SOON IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL!
_ROXANNEMARIE_
Sunday, May 25, 2008
just to breathe
trying to let this pass
breathing in air until it lasts
trying to keep my faith growing
as of now in a mental state of not knowing
crying out yet no one hears
the sound of silence thats been built for years
tearing them away to a place where i cant stay
listenin to the beat of my heart thts fadin away
i'd like to die to myself
to live again,to cease this madness
in the hope of finding a new friend
one that might get me through all this pain
one that knows me for me&¬ personal gain.
this may be sad&&possibly true
but who are you to know&&decide if my day was in the blue.
dont worry too much about my well being
i will be great&&i will never say to you that it was too late.
just pray for me so i believe
a little more in myself&&find the time&&space just to breathe
breathing in air until it lasts
trying to keep my faith growing
as of now in a mental state of not knowing
crying out yet no one hears
the sound of silence thats been built for years
tearing them away to a place where i cant stay
listenin to the beat of my heart thts fadin away
i'd like to die to myself
to live again,to cease this madness
in the hope of finding a new friend
one that might get me through all this pain
one that knows me for me&¬ personal gain.
this may be sad&&possibly true
but who are you to know&&decide if my day was in the blue.
dont worry too much about my well being
i will be great&&i will never say to you that it was too late.
just pray for me so i believe
a little more in myself&&find the time&&space just to breathe
Thursday, May 22, 2008
may 22
Well today was kinda productive&&funny to me =)
I barely had any classes today because no seniors where there&&I have a few senior classes. I slept in the hour period of earth science because my teacher didn't tell us to bring our books&&she wasn't feeling well either.In health we're learning about the female reproductive system which is both interesting to learn more about my own anatomy&&physiology of what concerns my body.However, I'd be fine without the pictures of vaginal diseases&&STDs.Last two periods of the day we're also free periods because my precalculus teacher is in chicago for a convention. But at least I actually completed my webassign homeworks which I had to re-do since he gave us all another chance.Raising my average to just passing =x! But as long as I'm passing, at the moment that's all that counts. Even though I know it's not entirely my best. Last period religion i wrote a poem on the time of my life which was an assignnment explaining what I'd like to have accomplished in learning a whole year around the basis of Morality. I'm pretty sure I was one of the only students who actually completed the assignment correctly since my teacher is laid back&&just told us yesterday that we could write BS as long as we were quite or had inside voices for our sub.But we really didn't.That's the way life goes though. The poem itself will be posted here once I get it back.
I barely had any classes today because no seniors where there&&I have a few senior classes. I slept in the hour period of earth science because my teacher didn't tell us to bring our books&&she wasn't feeling well either.In health we're learning about the female reproductive system which is both interesting to learn more about my own anatomy&&physiology of what concerns my body.However, I'd be fine without the pictures of vaginal diseases&&STDs.Last two periods of the day we're also free periods because my precalculus teacher is in chicago for a convention. But at least I actually completed my webassign homeworks which I had to re-do since he gave us all another chance.Raising my average to just passing =x! But as long as I'm passing, at the moment that's all that counts. Even though I know it's not entirely my best. Last period religion i wrote a poem on the time of my life which was an assignnment explaining what I'd like to have accomplished in learning a whole year around the basis of Morality. I'm pretty sure I was one of the only students who actually completed the assignment correctly since my teacher is laid back&&just told us yesterday that we could write BS as long as we were quite or had inside voices for our sub.But we really didn't.That's the way life goes though. The poem itself will be posted here once I get it back.
I went to work which is pretty boring and we were repeatedly told to be quiet but I mean let's be serious we're all girls who are just labeling envelopes folding letters&&stuffing them person after person. I get paid 7.15 each hour so that's going towards my college/austrailia trip fund =). At the moment though, I'm saving it to pay back my dad the 130 dollars that I went over on the phone bill using the internet&&checking my mail updates since it's direct. After work went with the girls&&their supervisor to the Italian Restaurant where the people were hispanic&&mind you no one was in there,was rude and had that attitude like "oh great, a bunch of girls who are all black minus me&&are probably loud" so we sat in the back of the restaurant since there was more room.I ate chicken parmagiana&&spaghetti. It was alright but there was so much cheese. It was still good though.
Then I went to Immaculate Concepcion&& arrived around 715 when it started at 6:45 but whatever I came in between the third Glorious Mystery.But I barely ate "like always" hahaa but I really did eat! no need for an intervention but it was pretty funny.Only becuase I do NOT have an eating disorder&& if I did I wouldn't deny it based on the mere fact of telling the truth as a cry for help.
June 7th is my SATs!
June 10th is my last day of classes&& I have exams the rest of the month.
June 21st is my MISS FILIPINIANA event! Dancing the tango with Joel.
Hopefully PNYM can come and attend,it's held at my parish here across the street from my house.However you pay 20 dollars =) It's basically fundraising through the Filipino Community at the church for funding the church's expenses.Hopefully YOU ALL CAN ATTEND&& Rowan is my escort as well. I'm just wondering what my dress looks like, it was supoposed to be blue but they made a wrong order&& yet again it PINK! Don't get me wrong Pink is my favorite color, however, when my mom told me that for once it wasn't going to be pink I was excited. It's coming in the mail or through my kuya when he visiits from the Philippines.
busybusybusy! College is coming around well Regents first,SATs, endless college essays&&if my Senior Year schedule goes as planned Psychology,the last part of the Gateways to Health program course, CALCULUS(if i score a 65 on the Math B [i was 10pts short the first time around]) but I think I could make it!, Crafts =), relgion, economics,government,a music course that I can't recall the course itself&&maybe if i receive a scholarship to this school of music to study voice,music theory,maybe compostion as well at Dillard-Quaile in the city as well.MAYBE.
Then I went to Immaculate Concepcion&& arrived around 715 when it started at 6:45 but whatever I came in between the third Glorious Mystery.But I barely ate "like always" hahaa but I really did eat! no need for an intervention but it was pretty funny.Only becuase I do NOT have an eating disorder&& if I did I wouldn't deny it based on the mere fact of telling the truth as a cry for help.
June 7th is my SATs!
June 10th is my last day of classes&& I have exams the rest of the month.
June 21st is my MISS FILIPINIANA event! Dancing the tango with Joel.
Hopefully PNYM can come and attend,it's held at my parish here across the street from my house.However you pay 20 dollars =) It's basically fundraising through the Filipino Community at the church for funding the church's expenses.Hopefully YOU ALL CAN ATTEND&& Rowan is my escort as well. I'm just wondering what my dress looks like, it was supoposed to be blue but they made a wrong order&& yet again it PINK! Don't get me wrong Pink is my favorite color, however, when my mom told me that for once it wasn't going to be pink I was excited. It's coming in the mail or through my kuya when he visiits from the Philippines.
busybusybusy! College is coming around well Regents first,SATs, endless college essays&&if my Senior Year schedule goes as planned Psychology,the last part of the Gateways to Health program course, CALCULUS(if i score a 65 on the Math B [i was 10pts short the first time around]) but I think I could make it!, Crafts =), relgion, economics,government,a music course that I can't recall the course itself&&maybe if i receive a scholarship to this school of music to study voice,music theory,maybe compostion as well at Dillard-Quaile in the city as well.MAYBE.
The whole mdp deal is irritating me but I'm trying to prevent myself from having that after affect of feeling 'used&&being a fool'. Regardless though, I care about him no matter what anyone says&&whether or not he sees/knows. That never stopped me before&&its not going stop me now. Just like what Msgr. said tonight about Mary&&mercy...okay I can't exactly recall that either, but I believe it's along the guidelines of cutting them slack&&understanding a little better. Whatever the case may be, it's never bad to care about someone even if maybe when caring about them&&their perspectives on life may not necessarily include you in it. I have a long way to go anyway, well as long as I live this life that I don't claim as my own, but life in itself blessings within the greatest gift of trying to live,breathe,&love life as God intends it to be.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
grounded
So now that I'm grounded, this sucks. well I ran up the phone bill with my usage of the internet&&thankfully not text messages because I have unlimited now. still I haven't really been grounded before as much anyway.I have a part time job now in the cardinal's appeal office doing paper workk do that's pretty cool.I'm trying to save up either for college or in general for whenever I'm supposedly going on vacation.Procrastination is still not a friend of mine, for that's exactly what I am doing now, avoiding my one page report for US History&Gov't comparing a show from the 70s and a show from today. Spanish was due today but barely anyone had done it so she moved it to tomorrow. I got lost trying to go to my friend's play&i got there on time, however, the people I was to meet up with got lost&missed the whole thing where I saw bits&pieces as well. I don't know if I will be allowed to go since my current grounding, but she will try to convince my mom because all the teenagers are going tomorrow. So maybe I will go. With the whole tango remake with Joel, it's coming along but I dont know when we will practice again since I'm pretty much busy this week. I don't know possibly before Thursday night's mass at Immaculate Concepcion which I also don't know if I will be attending since now THANK THE LORD my Dad is working part-time at my Tito's job helping out there for three weeks. Maybe it'll be permanent since my Dad is getting there to be old of age.Maybe we'll be lucky with everything, or rather blessed. Now the downside to that is that my Mom will have to take the bus for transportation&&she dislikes it very much. But then again, she'd rather have my Dad work instead. Sacrifices need to be made everyday&&this is one of them. I also have to gear up for everything since there are only around 12 days left of school until exams,which by the way scare me sh!tless. But it has to be that way. Good morning&&back to my attempt at my homework =)
note to self...
GET OVER MDP!
hahaha one of those easier said/read than done.
note to self...
GET OVER MDP!
hahaha one of those easier said/read than done.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
tango remake
so i may have not taken the SATs this past weekend,but i just wasnt meant to take it day of [=
the practices so far for the tango routine for being ms.filipiniana are coming along.mind you there has only been two so far,but we do have a number of strong moves&&the basics. we've named them all&&some of them we've made spontaneously on the spot which is an amazing feeling for not knowing what the eff ure doing&&making it work for that precise moment.somehow we seem to think the same thing or just go with what we feel&&move together. just like when the janitor came&&we moved in a tango movement in perfect position,timing&posture. hahahaha&&ppl were watching us but they didn't catch what we had just done.something so simple as to just move to the side,yet we danced systematically dancing as we moved. it was one of those things that you kinda just had to be a part of&&loook retarded explaining it.
now i just have to remember the names of the moves we made&the ones we took from a bunch of different videos. well one of them we're not too sure of bc its a bit difficult to keep my leg a certain position within the movement of us two so that's a possible 'no' or just one that we're going to cut out the picturee.
well theres the moves we've named called
-embrace
-puppet
-lift right leg (tuck in left) crossover ( when spinning ) the left over right&&&land with left
[hahhaa no name for tht one]
-"MA-RR-IA" some how end up with my left leg extended&&my right leg overlappin his bent knee. (there's a spin there somewhere&&how to get to tht spin)
yup yup! kinda hyped for it&&worried bout the whole speech&&idk what im singing either but those two arent so bad for my agenda day of the 21st of june&&farrah faye is also allowing me to borrow her red dress&&heels from tec's swt16.its going to be exciting! well for me&&whoever watches/those who are interested.
putting in some time for the basics&&complications then everything will surely be alright&&most of all i'll be doing me dancing away&&just having fun! end of story. as for those who watch,comment,disapprove,or just wonder either how i do the movements i perform or wonder why i dance in the first place, well i have a few things to say. "i'm being myself,enjoying life,not caring so much as to what you think bc what i'm doing is your concern; well im flattered&&i can only care about so many things at a certain place&&time. i'm having fun&&living my given moments,i know you care&&i love you too but as those who know, i just love to dance&sing to my own beat&own songs.accept me or not that's perfectly fine because your tastes&passions may not be even close to those that are mine. [=
forever&a day.mp3
_roxannemarie_
the practices so far for the tango routine for being ms.filipiniana are coming along.mind you there has only been two so far,but we do have a number of strong moves&&the basics. we've named them all&&some of them we've made spontaneously on the spot which is an amazing feeling for not knowing what the eff ure doing&&making it work for that precise moment.somehow we seem to think the same thing or just go with what we feel&&move together. just like when the janitor came&&we moved in a tango movement in perfect position,timing&posture. hahahaha&&ppl were watching us but they didn't catch what we had just done.something so simple as to just move to the side,yet we danced systematically dancing as we moved. it was one of those things that you kinda just had to be a part of&&loook retarded explaining it.
now i just have to remember the names of the moves we made&the ones we took from a bunch of different videos. well one of them we're not too sure of bc its a bit difficult to keep my leg a certain position within the movement of us two so that's a possible 'no' or just one that we're going to cut out the picturee.
well theres the moves we've named called
-embrace
-puppet
-lift right leg (tuck in left) crossover ( when spinning ) the left over right&&&land with left
[hahhaa no name for tht one]
-"MA-RR-IA" some how end up with my left leg extended&&my right leg overlappin his bent knee. (there's a spin there somewhere&&how to get to tht spin)
yup yup! kinda hyped for it&&worried bout the whole speech&&idk what im singing either but those two arent so bad for my agenda day of the 21st of june&&farrah faye is also allowing me to borrow her red dress&&heels from tec's swt16.its going to be exciting! well for me&&whoever watches/those who are interested.
putting in some time for the basics&&complications then everything will surely be alright&&most of all i'll be doing me dancing away&&just having fun! end of story. as for those who watch,comment,disapprove,or just wonder either how i do the movements i perform or wonder why i dance in the first place, well i have a few things to say. "i'm being myself,enjoying life,not caring so much as to what you think bc what i'm doing is your concern; well im flattered&&i can only care about so many things at a certain place&&time. i'm having fun&&living my given moments,i know you care&&i love you too but as those who know, i just love to dance&sing to my own beat&own songs.accept me or not that's perfectly fine because your tastes&passions may not be even close to those that are mine. [=
forever&a day.mp3
_roxannemarie_
Sunday, May 4, 2008
more than a title
I was suppose to be happy today, well it was the night as I expected
I saw you after couple of days,somethings there but it feels like we just left it
Gone to church two times a day and we hung out just like i imagined
Something was missing and i know what it is
There's a hole in my heart can u feel it?
Chorus :
Will you be my girlfriend,swear I'll treat you right
Wanna be there for you everyday and every night
Will you be my girlfriend,I wanna be the oneyou come to every time that you're down
Talk to you like every nightI'm loving every millisecond of it
I see you almost everyday I hate when we're separated
I tell you you look pretty today and you reply by saying that I'm stupid
I know that you're just showing that you care and you're just afraid to show me
Chorus
Yes I'll be your girlfriend swear I'll treat you right
Promise I will love you everyday and every night
Yes I'll be your girlfriend,let me be the one to be your moon,your stars,your sun
And I know it's kinda crazy,but I hope that you can be with me
To take a chance for a lil bit of romance
And i'll take you on a magic carpet ride...
_aj rafael&heidi riego
I saw you after couple of days,somethings there but it feels like we just left it
Gone to church two times a day and we hung out just like i imagined
Something was missing and i know what it is
There's a hole in my heart can u feel it?
Chorus :
Will you be my girlfriend,swear I'll treat you right
Wanna be there for you everyday and every night
Will you be my girlfriend,I wanna be the oneyou come to every time that you're down
Talk to you like every nightI'm loving every millisecond of it
I see you almost everyday I hate when we're separated
I tell you you look pretty today and you reply by saying that I'm stupid
I know that you're just showing that you care and you're just afraid to show me
Chorus
Yes I'll be your girlfriend swear I'll treat you right
Promise I will love you everyday and every night
Yes I'll be your girlfriend,let me be the one to be your moon,your stars,your sun
And I know it's kinda crazy,but I hope that you can be with me
To take a chance for a lil bit of romance
And i'll take you on a magic carpet ride...
_aj rafael&heidi riego
Thursday, May 1, 2008
from SATs,researching colleges,miss filipiniana,boy drama with me included&&friends that are close and their familyfriend crushes [basically two families likin the other LITERALLY] thank you Lord for showing me my way to not get into that.not now.not with their family.even though they say im already part of the family =D....i share a "daughter" with one of the franciscos but we talk&&we have plenty in common especially on the whole our friendshipbased closeness thankyou verymuch.yeahh sure we talk everyday&&see each other at least two times a week gauranteed and more if there's a party which there usually is.their family is huge&&has a bunch of kiddies&&grownups.his family is cool,well minus his half brother bc of well personal issues with me&&blah blah blah and really himself.sucks to say but its true.then again if for 19years it was just you and your mom then you are blessssed with a stepfather&&four of his children&&their bigg filipino family.the one that lives in the same house with the lola and all the pinsans then alright i understand i have sympathy.plus their church friends and family including myself always together.then tough luck for you if you're not used to it&&want to know everything bout your family who well have their lives private from you&&may not tell them their current crushes or problems.so you told them your's when i was in the picture doesnt mean theyre going to tell you who they like when sure its maddd obvious but you dont know the underlying background behind everything bc you&&plenty of ppl like the rest of your family takes a whole new level of courtship or sum sheit. beetween me&&andrew is just a close trusted friendship&&we have that music passion shared,aries&&me have that sibling like relationship,gen&&me have tht girl thing,camille&&me have that well your my 'daughter'&&andrews ure 'dad' but thats a whole different concept that the three of us understand,kimztahhh&me im her oneechan japanese for older sister who she respects xD.i know more than they do suprisingly....
other than that.bout the whole miss filipiniana im getting a dress from the philippines from my tita norma which according to my mom is really for that.escort is rowan&&dance partner is joel.not exactly too sure bout what the heck im doing but according to my titas im everyone's "MUSE".if i recall im recieving a community service award,saying a speech,singing probably in tagalog&&english,dancing the tango[requested by my mom]&&whatever else i can come up with or whatever i guess joel is up for.i was kinda disppointed for rowan saying yeah he'll do it then change his mind,but i was kinda just anticipating that decision in actuality.but i cant force anyone to do anything&&well he still acts the same way just as before&&well most likely stay aacting that way.not complainin as much but it does irk me ever so often.but its the friendship we have that ive grown to be comfortable with&&accustomed to.sue me.
can't believe its already may 1st&& i fell like ive gone through almost a whole year learning nothing schoolbased&&all i did was waste my time.well not all of it.bc i enjoyed the whole cotillion/debut year of practices.a whole year of shiet happening with my bloodsisters.literally everything that you wouldnt want to happen within a friendship but its made all three of us stronger even at the crappiest/weakest points.its true,we 'hated' each other all at the same time.we chilled separately,we chilled together&&it was still semi-separated,we've argued,we've said all the things that cause a friendship to end,we've cried in front of each other which honestly i can never recall a time we did that.we've said what each others faults were,what we were jealous about&&envious only to find that what we said what similar to what the other envied.we know we're not perfect. no way near perfection....but in my perspective; "perfection comes in different ways,aspects,perspectives&&all what perfection to me may be endless flaws&&faults for you."...my aspect of perfection&&your aspect of perfection.you have your opinion&&i have my own.respected or not.i can stand on the ground.granted i've fallen.
in everything,in what i've done.
to choose my will than lead up to none.
You've chosen me at Your discretion
&&now ive somewhat come to realize.
Your will not my own, please be done unto me
&&forget those who cast the first stone.
You are perfect
&&have a plan for me.
to wake up each morning
&&wait for me to acknowledge you soo patiently.
i am human&&forget always,
that You should be my everything
&&through You saying 'thankyou' is the first step.
You endlessly bless me with everyone in diguise
to figure it out fully it's called compromise.
i just want to be with You,
in Your arms only
You hold me tight
&&caress my hair slowly.
You whisper in my ear saying
"Draw closer to me, if you believe,the possibilities will be abundantly"
NO ONE ELSE can come close when I am here guiding you
I've sent my SON,a DOVE from above&&your own ANGEL as well.
ONE MORE THING IS THAT "ILOVEYOU"
Never FORGET THAT&&all your troubles will melt away
&&drain out of a well.
-roxannemarie
other than that.bout the whole miss filipiniana im getting a dress from the philippines from my tita norma which according to my mom is really for that.escort is rowan&&dance partner is joel.not exactly too sure bout what the heck im doing but according to my titas im everyone's "MUSE".if i recall im recieving a community service award,saying a speech,singing probably in tagalog&&english,dancing the tango[requested by my mom]&&whatever else i can come up with or whatever i guess joel is up for.i was kinda disppointed for rowan saying yeah he'll do it then change his mind,but i was kinda just anticipating that decision in actuality.but i cant force anyone to do anything&&well he still acts the same way just as before&&well most likely stay aacting that way.not complainin as much but it does irk me ever so often.but its the friendship we have that ive grown to be comfortable with&&accustomed to.sue me.
can't believe its already may 1st&& i fell like ive gone through almost a whole year learning nothing schoolbased&&all i did was waste my time.well not all of it.bc i enjoyed the whole cotillion/debut year of practices.a whole year of shiet happening with my bloodsisters.literally everything that you wouldnt want to happen within a friendship but its made all three of us stronger even at the crappiest/weakest points.its true,we 'hated' each other all at the same time.we chilled separately,we chilled together&&it was still semi-separated,we've argued,we've said all the things that cause a friendship to end,we've cried in front of each other which honestly i can never recall a time we did that.we've said what each others faults were,what we were jealous about&&envious only to find that what we said what similar to what the other envied.we know we're not perfect. no way near perfection....but in my perspective; "perfection comes in different ways,aspects,perspectives&&all what perfection to me may be endless flaws&&faults for you."...my aspect of perfection&&your aspect of perfection.you have your opinion&&i have my own.respected or not.i can stand on the ground.granted i've fallen.
in everything,in what i've done.
to choose my will than lead up to none.
You've chosen me at Your discretion
&&now ive somewhat come to realize.
Your will not my own, please be done unto me
&&forget those who cast the first stone.
You are perfect
&&have a plan for me.
to wake up each morning
&&wait for me to acknowledge you soo patiently.
i am human&&forget always,
that You should be my everything
&&through You saying 'thankyou' is the first step.
You endlessly bless me with everyone in diguise
to figure it out fully it's called compromise.
i just want to be with You,
in Your arms only
You hold me tight
&&caress my hair slowly.
You whisper in my ear saying
"Draw closer to me, if you believe,the possibilities will be abundantly"
NO ONE ELSE can come close when I am here guiding you
I've sent my SON,a DOVE from above&&your own ANGEL as well.
ONE MORE THING IS THAT "ILOVEYOU"
Never FORGET THAT&&all your troubles will melt away
&&drain out of a well.
-roxannemarie
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
college-ishh
college,SATs,family-ishh,fck
this ish sucks.SATs are this saturday&im not ready for anything.today we had our ring fingers warmed by our senior sisters&&ring day is monday.mom is attending&&well thats bout it.whatever...procrastination is b*tch&&i wanna get outta the house.so far as i look up the colleges,my SAT scores shoud average around 1450 with all segments&at least or welll 1110 for just critical reading and math just so that i'm in the clear.not too sure how i'll pull that one off but idk hopefully.what to do what to do
this ish sucks.SATs are this saturday&im not ready for anything.today we had our ring fingers warmed by our senior sisters&&ring day is monday.mom is attending&&well thats bout it.whatever...procrastination is b*tch&&i wanna get outta the house.so far as i look up the colleges,my SAT scores shoud average around 1450 with all segments&at least or welll 1110 for just critical reading and math just so that i'm in the clear.not too sure how i'll pull that one off but idk hopefully.what to do what to do
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
still torn
still torn between myself&everyone else.at the moment i dont think anyone reads this but that's bc its more of my own self reflection than anything else for others to comment on or see.i mean if any of it has been read then i think thats pretty cool.lately i've been talkin to the same person i never thought i'd talk to when we originally started our friendship.i mean we stopped talking for quite awhile&&as always we start talking again (= i love it just as i did the first time.no complaints.an old friend who i loved talking to everyday&&night.starting 'over' again with a heart that seems to be healing&&hurting simultaneously...so i hurt a little love a little more,fear with wholeheartedly of what is coming&&what i already know.sucks how people change&&sometimes i've become soo accustomed to the way things were that it hurts differently each time.but change isn't always bad&&i learn more.there's nothing wrong with learning something new or old.realizing what i have,what i dont,what i 'desire',what "i need"&&what's bestowed upon me with grace. talking to him again, opened up cuts -figuratively speaking of course- but not because of him but of what we talked about.life itself.the life that's happening,the life that's happened,the life that we cannot foresee but live somewhat fully....ablessingindisguise....i know that even though we dont talk as much or chill as much it will never change the way i feel towards the one i care about the most.the ones who are the top of my list.HE has a list too.the list of all that i am to experience,enjoy,despise,love&&just wonder about every so often.i have to die to myself&strip away all my pain,suffering,hate,laziness,disappointment,temporary happiness,temporary emotions&&even the fickleness of my selfish ways.this heart doesnt belong.at least not to me&¬ the way it should be treated.mind of burden.soul of the weary.body of invisible scarring.but i am willing to change.&&according to the same person that i never thought i'd talk to/talk to againn "thats good your letting it change =]"....mind you we were talking about a whole different topic but it applies to everything present in this life that i don't call my own but a life that struggles to get to where its supposed to be.
"a pure heart that's what i long for"
"a pure heart that's what i long for"
Saturday, April 26, 2008
torn
a little bit torn between the two groups of people that ive grown to love both so dearly...i know i shouldnt worry too much because they love me just the same but personally feel torn between the two.i know i cant be in two places at once&&dont get me wrong i wouldnt necessarily change anything different between the two because than it would be just for my own selfishness&i was taught better than that.but does that mean i would have to choose between the two one day for finalization? i mean i already started having this feeling a few months ago&it was progressing for the better&&then regressing for the 'feeling' of being a loner.i know there are not enough hours in the day&night.idkk getting sick bc of the weatherr >.< freaking allergiess pluus other ishh but if i just lift it all up i can get through it all..
Thursday, April 24, 2008
what to do ?what to say?
so thankful that i had a chill day narrahanne haha,kurtney,dave&adrianne.gave me a step back from the madness of college choices,SATs,miss filipiniana,school,strike&unecessary projects.it gave me a breather to truly enjoy all that im blessed with even the events in life that i dont think i should be blessed with in the first place.so this tuesday i have an interview/audition for diller quaile school of music =)...but now that the seasons are changing my nose is a little runny >_< just my luck! hopefully i could recieve a scholarship to attend the school to take music theory,voice&&basic music lessons. of course its after school but still i think its pretty cool&if i get in then why not? so many opportunities so little time to figure out what to do about everything.
okay with school,pnym,family&&yeahh boys...things arent as easy or less complex as it used to be.but thats why priorities change.refined,dropped&&re-invented.
totally procrastinating right now soo time to study&&do hw...hopefully i wont knockout!
so thankful that i had a chill day narrahanne haha,kurtney,dave&adrianne.gave me a step back from the madness of college choices,SATs,miss filipiniana,school,strike&unecessary projects.it gave me a breather to truly enjoy all that im blessed with even the events in life that i dont think i should be blessed with in the first place.so this tuesday i have an interview/audition for diller quaile school of music =)...but now that the seasons are changing my nose is a little runny >_< just my luck! hopefully i could recieve a scholarship to attend the school to take music theory,voice&&basic music lessons. of course its after school but still i think its pretty cool&if i get in then why not? so many opportunities so little time to figure out what to do about everything.
okay with school,pnym,family&&yeahh boys...things arent as easy or less complex as it used to be.but thats why priorities change.refined,dropped&&re-invented.
totally procrastinating right now soo time to study&&do hw...hopefully i wont knockout!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
well i guess things never change.procrastination or not.ignorance or indifference.liking someone&&loving many.maybe im just rambling about nothing or everything at a time.so ive changed a few things about myself; in appearance&attitude.mind&&soul.perspective from aspect.each day i try harder&&harder to find out who i am&who this person, being has become&&is very much becoming.its life isnt it? "lifee happens&&it so happens that lfe's not fair..." what is the meaning of being fair? what is the meaning of truly loving someone&&expressing it freely without hestitation? whether through a hug,kiss,or just a call? in each day that passes me by, ive seemed to lose one thing or another, a misfortune of mine that occurs every so often. not saying materially but mentally, emotionally&&friendship-based. its true im a lost person. in a world that goes through its course with me as if im watching from some place else.not allowed to pause, press play, or rewind....not even to feel that im present within the moment....its as if i have a pilot playing the role of my life&&i cant escape thisplace that no one hears me or feels what i feel. okay granted that im sure people have felt the way ive felt.but its no reassurance for me at all.yeahh i know very well i have God&&no one &¬hing can take Him away from this life.its as if i dont feel anymore&&its as if i can barely say a word to the ones i love dearly at most a "hi".i laugh to hide whats supposed to be a tear.but even a tear i shed not.not emotion just numbness; heart,soul,mind&&body.what is this phase? what part of life is this that im "in"? as if i cant breathe&&feel no heart beating. a death painful nonethelesss but how is it death if im still here? If only I can die to myself to truly live. I pray that I die to myself to live the life that's meant for me. that is pefectly planned out. most of this entry makes no sense&&yet it means something to me for then it wouldnt be typed here in this space....for the eyes who read this, for the people who care,for the ones who know what im feeling or rather feel nothing.I LOVE YOU! (somewhere inside me i have loved you&&for some still love you)
i'll be okay one day...just not at the moment&¬ when you ask if im sure i'll be fine
i'll be okay one day...just not at the moment&¬ when you ask if im sure i'll be fine
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)