still torn

still torn between myself&everyone else.at the moment i dont think anyone reads this but that's bc its more of my own self reflection than anything else for others to comment on or see.i mean if any of it has been read then i think thats pretty cool.lately i've been talkin to the same person i never thought i'd talk to when we originally started our friendship.i mean we stopped talking for quite awhile&&as always we start talking again (= i love it just as i did the first time.no complaints.an old friend who i loved talking to everyday&&night.starting 'over' again with a heart that seems to be healing&&hurting simultaneously...so i hurt a little love a little more,fear with wholeheartedly of what is coming&&what i already know.sucks how people change&&sometimes i've become soo accustomed to the way things were that it hurts differently each time.but change isn't always bad&&i learn more.there's nothing wrong with learning something new or old.realizing what i have,what i dont,what i 'desire',what "i need"&&what's bestowed upon me with grace. talking to him again, opened up cuts -figuratively speaking of course- but not because of him but of what we talked about.life itself.the life that's happening,the life that's happened,the life that we cannot foresee but live somewhat fully....ablessingindisguise....i know that even though we dont talk as much or chill as much it will never change the way i feel towards the one i care about the most.the ones who are the top of my list.HE has a list too.the list of all that i am to experience,enjoy,despise,love&&just wonder about every so often.i have to die to myself&strip away all my pain,suffering,hate,laziness,disappointment,temporary happiness,temporary emotions&&even the fickleness of my selfish ways.this heart doesnt belong.at least not to me&&not the way it should be treated.mind of burden.soul of the weary.body of invisible scarring.but i am willing to change.&&according to the same person that i never thought i'd talk to/talk to againn "thats good your letting it change =]"....mind you we were talking about a whole different topic but it applies to everything present in this life that i don't call my own but a life that struggles to get to where its supposed to be.


"a pure heart that's what i long for"