So I've been blogging here and there between the many blog sites I own,but no matter where I post them,few people read as it should be.Besides the people who do read them know more or less about me anyway.
Each day is another I get to live.Another day to make mistakes,to fix some,and well for about two weeks now each days passes with me kinda broken-hearted just like the song by aj rafael <3.I don't know exactly when I will learn that as close to a friend,a guy,will I be able to prevent myself from becoming infatuated with him or with the mere idea that maybe one day he'll say I'm his...But for me that's not the case and never has been.The case once however, was having the guy think I was his girlfriend when all we were/are just friends. I don't know why I'm even writing this blog entry so much as to why I'd take the time to think about almost everything that I see when it comes to the heart.I do know that for the past two years I've been hoping that he would see me as his potential girlfriend,pretty pathetic really. Just having him around me and believe that he was 'protective' over me when I was with my other friends especially two of my friends who he dislikes. Yet he never did anything because of me.But I guess that's where I fell. I fell into that idea that the behavior he always had, when on guard with everything lessened when I asked, right before he had the 'look' on his face to get up and do something.
I'm confused on how to feel, once I knew that he only saw me as a friend and he is fully aware that I like him and I'm still very confused now. Sure I've accepted it for the most part for I know I can't change that and I can still be around him without hesitation so much as to he asks me to go with him somewhere or sit by him but what hurts the most is knowing he sees me as a friend yet acts differently when I am near him. That's the second failure of mine over-analyzing everything he does even though everyone tells me that he's always like that no matter who you are and well for him its not his fault if you see it more than what it really isn't. I don't think I'd like to admit it out loud but I sure fooled myself in believing that the kind of friendship we have is what I've mistaken for what 'love' is. But I will say that if 'love'is what it was before I knew how he felt about me then I can't wait to feel that again with someone who loves me just the same.
I won't deny that what I know and what I've felt for him was 'love',well my idea of it and how I see it. Regardless of how he feels bout me just as friends, as much as I saw it coming, it still hurt when i i fully knew..Before I knew I prepared myself in saying its either he likes you just the same or just as a friend, whichever the answer there's nothing that you've got to lose and you shouldn't because he's a great friend, plus the only time you should feel really hurt is if he totally ignores you or you ignore him.
I still believe that and there is nothing that I've lost that's major but minor in the loss of feeling that extra 'hope and wonder' of wanting to know and using that as part of my joy around him. I admit for the first week around him, it was on and off.Whether I should just be around him and smile or just be there. Well I did my best and I can't lie bout this, as many times as I look his way, there's a part of me that breaks. I try convincing myself to smile and laugh as I used to but I can't. I can't feel as 'carefree' as I did in not caring who was around or just smile endlessly inside and out. I care about him and I always will but its a little harder for me to show it.Since now I feel as if I show it, I will go back to where I started.It's not that I don't want to feel full of hopes and wishes but I also don't want to be wishfully thinking about something that isn't true based on the reality of truth that has finally surfaced.
There's a difference when you're just dreaming and when you're awake to the here and now of the present. This isn't anything new for me as to 'falling' for someone but what is new is that I don't want this to end as the other situations have for I believe this is very different from the rest.For I believe as much as I think about it every other day that if this is what I've been telling myself and everyone else of how much I truly care about him the way I do despite all his actions and his past and all the behaviors he expresses including the endless bs stories of this and him doing that.I LOVE... I can't help it.And yes, I do believe that if it's meant to be our paths will cross once again for something to happen if not just close enough that the very friendship we have now will be full of depth where we could really tell each other almost everything not afraid or hesistant in doing so.The pure joy&happiness&&love that I've felt around him or when we watch movies on the couch and lean on each other not caring really who sees.The very feeling of being comfortable around one another.I believe we could feel that still but at the moment I'm just over analyzing as alwaays on how thats hard to do now when really there's no problem at all just the fact of me knowing that drives me a-wall to be careful about my own actions and mannerisms.
I LOVE...that's how it will be for me anyways.forever&&a day<3
I'd go through this all over again and again. The endless thinking of him and when I'll see him again.Waiting for him to go online,waiting for his silly faces to show when he sees me,the dramatizations of being together for fun and for show,the shared passions. Well I don't know, I really dont know what all this means but what I do know is he has changed my life, he will be remememberd in my every day of living for there's always something that reminds me of him&&well we're still pretty close now that won't change anytime soon soo as much as I'm kinda broken hearted I'd rather him be the one that broke part of it.
JULY 16
"Come Holy Spirit, and help me open my eyes to see the good in what feels bad. Even Isaiah told you about feeling like this. Your promises uplifted that servant long ago. Do the same with this servant"
saint mary's press TAKE TEN-daily bible reflections for teens
jean marie hiesberger&maureen gallagher
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