never ends does it.story of my life.
"i hate how much i love you boy"
Monday, November 16, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
10 activities...bc I'm bored
These are not limited to be experienced with a guy okay. Just to be experienced even with a group of friends ;)
1. watch the summer sunset preferably at the beach
2. be serenaded to upon suprise¬ request (romantically...JUSTKEEDING)
3. dance for fun in the summer rain
4. go on a picnic date
5. walk on the DUMBO BRIDGE(again)
6. go ice skating
7. take a photoshoot in central park or just fun pictures =p
8. make a mixtape&a bunch of music covers
9. a group date :-*
10. a non-stop baking day
there will be more i'm sure :)
1. watch the summer sunset preferably at the beach
2. be serenaded to upon suprise¬ request (romantically...JUSTKEEDING)
3. dance for fun in the summer rain
4. go on a picnic date
5. walk on the DUMBO BRIDGE(again)
6. go ice skating
7. take a photoshoot in central park or just fun pictures =p
8. make a mixtape&a bunch of music covers
9. a group date :-*
10. a non-stop baking day
there will be more i'm sure :)
Monday, July 27, 2009
getting stronger by adeaze
listen to me im feeling afraid
of something in my life that is wrong
and dont try tell me that im ok
dont worry because i am strong
i know it gets hard sometimes
but remember that im only human
and the things that i face are the
same things that you can help me to over come
i dont want nobody else
i dont need somebody else
to tell me about love
i am strong on my own
but if you think you can tell me
why the things im doing is going wrong
its just me getting stronger
well im gonna tell you that im ok
that with or without you im the same
but dont get me wrong im still waitin for the day
when we can say we went all the way
life is about all the meaningful things
that we get to share with each other
so leave the past behind and each other
we'll find our love is strong again
of something in my life that is wrong
and dont try tell me that im ok
dont worry because i am strong
i know it gets hard sometimes
but remember that im only human
and the things that i face are the
same things that you can help me to over come
i dont want nobody else
i dont need somebody else
to tell me about love
i am strong on my own
but if you think you can tell me
why the things im doing is going wrong
its just me getting stronger
well im gonna tell you that im ok
that with or without you im the same
but dont get me wrong im still waitin for the day
when we can say we went all the way
life is about all the meaningful things
that we get to share with each other
so leave the past behind and each other
we'll find our love is strong again
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I may not have all the anwers,I never said I did. But I've truly realized that He is the Way the Truth and the Life. I may not be able to please everyone and I can't say that I'll be myself if I did try pleasing everyone. I'm human after all. I'm finished trying to learn the hard way. I'll try learning vicariously again. I don't want to keep certain situations in life a secret. I shouldn't feel the desperate need to keep my life in secrecy. Yes, there are certain things that'll be kept secret the things that are only known between Him and me. I mean one of the last secrets I kept that was somewhat serious was when I was in relationship, but that was back in December..I still keep in touch though =) but anyway..ever since then I've started the year single and continue to be single.
For a while now, I guess that's been on my mind. Where I'd be if I was still with him. Being that within less than a month from now we'd be a year. But where has this year gotten me? It's gotten me through several circumstances. To certain places that I'd never want to visit and places I'd love to go back too. Certain places that remind me of how simple life used to be, places that all I feel is peace&comfort. Places where I've never been to before and only revisit given it's with the same person or people. I can't say I've learned too much. But I've realized how friends come and go. If graced at their own discretion, they come back around. One thing other than God that has kept me going are my bestfriends. Although they don't know just how much they mean to me or well sometimes I feel it goes unnoticed, I wouldn't be who I am. For one they all have different places in my being that will be theirs forever.
run everywhere run somewhere
run maybe some distant place
<3
For a while now, I guess that's been on my mind. Where I'd be if I was still with him. Being that within less than a month from now we'd be a year. But where has this year gotten me? It's gotten me through several circumstances. To certain places that I'd never want to visit and places I'd love to go back too. Certain places that remind me of how simple life used to be, places that all I feel is peace&comfort. Places where I've never been to before and only revisit given it's with the same person or people. I can't say I've learned too much. But I've realized how friends come and go. If graced at their own discretion, they come back around. One thing other than God that has kept me going are my bestfriends. Although they don't know just how much they mean to me or well sometimes I feel it goes unnoticed, I wouldn't be who I am. For one they all have different places in my being that will be theirs forever.
run everywhere run somewhere
run maybe some distant place
<3
Thursday, June 25, 2009
&this weeeekeend has come
So this weekend is the Alliance of Filipino Catholic Charismatic Prayer Communites' 15th Conference, AFCCPC weekend has come! I don't know what to expect just yet. But I pray that God has a suprise for me from start to finish. I know it has started with me being sick, of all things and timing. But who am I to judge God? I just pray that my voice,all the voices,instruments,speakers,performers,dynamics,skits and everything goes as He has Planned. Sometimes when things don't go quite our way, God wants us to realize so many things. But I believe it is so we realize that we should Look and Search for Him that much more. There's several occurences that wouldn't have happened unless it was through God. I know I may be speaking so God-like, but it isn't always the case either =( I pray that I start this weekend from start to finish in Search of God. To soften the hardened heart that I've been holding inside of me. It's shown in my face, my emptiness, sadness, miscomfort. Everything. It's in the way I dress, the way I enter a room. The way I come home. The behavior that has been consuming my everyday. My laziness,my sickness. It has begun to spread. I want to be free from captivity. Free of chains and barriers I personally build.
This weekend's theme is Isaiah 61:1 " The Spirit of the Lord is upon me.." I'd like to be complete in the Lord my God. We sing it every other meeting. How we search for God, how we want to be cleansed, healed, forgiven, and free. To be united with our God, family and friends. I pray that I am healed of this sickness, physical,mental,spiritual, and emotional. I pray that everyone who becomes a witness to God's World, draws near. Those who are afraid find comfort and condolence in God Himself.
I know "ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE with GOD!"
I want this to repeat itself with a greater power and understanding. three-four years ago:
ROXANNE PEREZ, 13
Amazing Grace Singers
I felt God in ways that are unexplainable until now. During the three days of this conference, God's Presence was stronger than ever. His Presence was in everyone. He walked through the rooms, the hearts and souls of everyone present. He spoke to us so that all would hear. He made me feel more welcome in His arms, hugging me. He put smiles on our faces and we all knew that He will always be there. He told us that our hard work has finally reached the point where we can rejoice and lift it all up to Him. I felt happiness and peace during the workshops where I lifted all of my burdens up to Him. I felt free and closer each day we praised His name. I received many gifts from God during that weekend. However, one gift really touched me. Receiving the gift of tongues was truly amazing. I felt God talking to me on a whole new level. God told me that I'll be okay and so will everyone be in my prayers. He understood me perfectly and embraced me. He sent the Spirit, and the Spirit reassured me. The Holy Spirit "shaked" out all of my doubts in God. Since then, I am a whole new person who finds God everywhere and in everyone around me.
This weekend's theme is Isaiah 61:1 " The Spirit of the Lord is upon me.." I'd like to be complete in the Lord my God. We sing it every other meeting. How we search for God, how we want to be cleansed, healed, forgiven, and free. To be united with our God, family and friends. I pray that I am healed of this sickness, physical,mental,spiritual, and emotional. I pray that everyone who becomes a witness to God's World, draws near. Those who are afraid find comfort and condolence in God Himself.
I know "ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE with GOD!"
I want this to repeat itself with a greater power and understanding. three-four years ago:
ROXANNE PEREZ, 13
Amazing Grace Singers
I felt God in ways that are unexplainable until now. During the three days of this conference, God's Presence was stronger than ever. His Presence was in everyone. He walked through the rooms, the hearts and souls of everyone present. He spoke to us so that all would hear. He made me feel more welcome in His arms, hugging me. He put smiles on our faces and we all knew that He will always be there. He told us that our hard work has finally reached the point where we can rejoice and lift it all up to Him. I felt happiness and peace during the workshops where I lifted all of my burdens up to Him. I felt free and closer each day we praised His name. I received many gifts from God during that weekend. However, one gift really touched me. Receiving the gift of tongues was truly amazing. I felt God talking to me on a whole new level. God told me that I'll be okay and so will everyone be in my prayers. He understood me perfectly and embraced me. He sent the Spirit, and the Spirit reassured me. The Holy Spirit "shaked" out all of my doubts in God. Since then, I am a whole new person who finds God everywhere and in everyone around me.
Monday, June 22, 2009
From the book Captivating by John&Stasi Eldridge "Jesus said, "Do not throw your pearls to pigs," (Matt, 7:6). By this we don't think he was calling some people pigs. He was saying, "Look---be careful that you do not give something precious to someone who, at best, cannot recognize its beauty, or at worst, will trample on it." Consider your feminine heart and beauty your treasure, your pearls. A woman can test and see if a man is willing to move in a good direction by offering a taste of what is available with her if he does. She does not give everything in a moment. As God does, she allures and waits to see what he will do." God waits to see what we will do once He invites us. He allures us to become closer to Him. Sometimes we miss that opportunity or choose to ignore it. We may end up giving away our beauty and soul of our hearts. Both men and women. However, God knows what beauty we are capable of and what we may offer the world. His world.
Monday, June 1, 2009
weekend in a boathouse
So this weekend has really made an imprint in my heart,mind,body,and soul. This is all due to the very much appreciated thanks to GOD for one&&the previous core leaders: Kristin,Khristele,Kim,Calvin&Carlo(even though he wasn't physically present). Of course I wouldn't forget TG&Ate Maria. As well as the "observers" Clarissa&Adrianne. There's no doubt in my mind that this weekend hasn't changed us all. This weekend started out being "just" for the core leaders passing the 'torch' to - Kevin,Natalie,Carlavee&myself. Little did the four of us know God had a better PLAN. HIS PLAN! To have "observers" join and make an impact as well. There was so many topics discussed during the three sessions over the weekend. What I got from justs going there was more than a "retreat" from the world. But I got EVERYTHING, He wanted me to have. With open arms He came to me. The Holy Spirit especially. He colored my black&white world. With the rays of light that were filled with blues,greens,reds,yellows,oranges,the rainbow and so many colors. you name it, i saw the color.
There's nothing more that I'd rather have than the people that are my family with me. To have that "heat" thrust upon me. A driving fire burning within me through ever inch of my body, from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.The sharings and incites of the fellow members. Giving and pouring their hearts out so we'd be able to witness and experience to the greatness of our Father. The Power that we've always had within us because we are chosen haven been chosen before we knew. To know God is to know Love. During the session explaining what unity is the difficulty of conflicts and overcoming them together is LOVE.
my incite&message I received from God is this:
"There is no greater Love than the Love of God. With God He shares His Love for the world. There is no Love without suffering. But through suffering and sacrifice comes th beauty of Love itself. With Love, no one is abandoned. We are all tested and tempted by the Devil who is at our side always, waiting for the chance to bring us down. To Know Love,Feel Love, Give Love, Show Love, and Be Loved is to be ONE with GOD. To Share with others with Love there is Compassion, Patience, Forgiveness. Everything is COMPLETE, without any lack of anything.Love is CONSTANT. Our part to Love and To Be..is EQUAL. By Dying to oneself is to LET GO&LOVE. Whether acknowledged or not, is the basis and center of it ALL." __Roxanne Marie Perez]
blog more later.
There's nothing more that I'd rather have than the people that are my family with me. To have that "heat" thrust upon me. A driving fire burning within me through ever inch of my body, from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.The sharings and incites of the fellow members. Giving and pouring their hearts out so we'd be able to witness and experience to the greatness of our Father. The Power that we've always had within us because we are chosen haven been chosen before we knew. To know God is to know Love. During the session explaining what unity is the difficulty of conflicts and overcoming them together is LOVE.
my incite&message I received from God is this:
"There is no greater Love than the Love of God. With God He shares His Love for the world. There is no Love without suffering. But through suffering and sacrifice comes th beauty of Love itself. With Love, no one is abandoned. We are all tested and tempted by the Devil who is at our side always, waiting for the chance to bring us down. To Know Love,Feel Love, Give Love, Show Love, and Be Loved is to be ONE with GOD. To Share with others with Love there is Compassion, Patience, Forgiveness. Everything is COMPLETE, without any lack of anything.Love is CONSTANT. Our part to Love and To Be..is EQUAL. By Dying to oneself is to LET GO&LOVE. Whether acknowledged or not, is the basis and center of it ALL." __Roxanne Marie Perez]
blog more later.
Monday, May 25, 2009
you're unbelievable
Seriously,what's with the double meaning of your gestures. You're unbelievable! No wonder there are people asking me or calmly putting their input on what they see. I amaze myself with what I seem to be doing and the reasons that confuse the minds of of others. So this is what it's come to? This is what you're trying to do to me? You're driving me insane! I can't help it if I'm trying my best to understand you. If I'm trying to get through to you since its frustrating to others. How can one your friends be so annoyed with you at the moment? How can you stand being "OK" with your speaking terms. This isn't anything "new" apparently when it comes to you. But maybe,maybe I've been blinded by all your over-bearing behavior. Your somewhat protective aura. I can't help but wonder and question...what is it exactly that makes you tick? What exactly do I mean to you? Am I so wrong to wonder? Why is it so important for me to be in a certain place for the next four years of "my" life? What makes it any different from where I'm already headed? Is it the fact that you're always going to be there and visit as you already do now? These are only "hypothetical" questions. But seriously, when will I wake up from this reality that you've been sucha great part in that I won't feeel the need to wonder anymore and just KNOW. Why must we be so complex in such a way that it acutally works for the both of us yet it is soo complicated to explain? Are we that complex or is there a "we" at all? If you can answer me this one question I rest mycase...
The day you told me what you "wished" for, was that a joke? or was there truth in it? Because if there is truth in it, do you really think that much of me let alone not respect me?
You're unbelievable,and yet I'm the fool who fell for you and you're the one who caught me when I fell and were the last to push me off the ledge.
blahblahblah ramblings of nothingness.since theyre already solved done and over with, kayy thanks =D
The day you told me what you "wished" for, was that a joke? or was there truth in it? Because if there is truth in it, do you really think that much of me let alone not respect me?
You're unbelievable,and yet I'm the fool who fell for you and you're the one who caught me when I fell and were the last to push me off the ledge.
blahblahblah ramblings of nothingness.since theyre already solved done and over with, kayy thanks =D
Thursday, May 14, 2009
poem by yours truly<3
it wasn't because you were always there
it wasn't because you said "i care"
it's because you said it to my face
it's because of that moment, i don't want it to be erased
i've laughed, i've cried, i've smiled in front of you
and each and everytime, you've asked what's wrong or new
i can't seem to put my finger on it but there's something i'd like to know
yet, to make it clear it has nothing to do with the question of whether this love grows
i say one thing and mean another
and through it all you discover the meaning and put two and two together.
"i won't say i'm in love" is just from a disney song
and it has a great message. what it means to fall in love with a hero,a prince, a man who brings a love of bliss.
I love you and that's not the end of that. And all I know that this is a true fact.
Love is such a powerful word, a image, a illusion, a story, a song
It's everything we've said and heard.
I love you and I wouldn't change that for the world.
I want you to know it's because of you there's brightness and hope to the life I live
so soft and sweet like a lullaby sung by a lovely bird.
it wasn't because you said "i care"
it's because you said it to my face
it's because of that moment, i don't want it to be erased
i've laughed, i've cried, i've smiled in front of you
and each and everytime, you've asked what's wrong or new
i can't seem to put my finger on it but there's something i'd like to know
yet, to make it clear it has nothing to do with the question of whether this love grows
i say one thing and mean another
and through it all you discover the meaning and put two and two together.
"i won't say i'm in love" is just from a disney song
and it has a great message. what it means to fall in love with a hero,a prince, a man who brings a love of bliss.
I love you and that's not the end of that. And all I know that this is a true fact.
Love is such a powerful word, a image, a illusion, a story, a song
It's everything we've said and heard.
I love you and I wouldn't change that for the world.
I want you to know it's because of you there's brightness and hope to the life I live
so soft and sweet like a lullaby sung by a lovely bird.
Friday, May 8, 2009
circle of life
and life is a circle and repeats itself. if only i wasn't insane performing the same procedure hoping for a new outcome.
"teach me to live Your Love
help me to give Your Love
show me Your Way, LORD I'll OBEY
Your WORD&LIVE YOUR LOVE<3"
"teach me to live Your Love
help me to give Your Love
show me Your Way, LORD I'll OBEY
Your WORD&LIVE YOUR LOVE<3"
Saturday, May 2, 2009
can't let this go
I know there are several other important tasks that should be completed at the moment but I can't help but digress. I know I should be completing my civil and criminal law work or working on my term paper on Pope John Paul II, but I'm definitely digressing.
I don't know where to begin. I can't get one of the last conversations that I had with who I consider my "bestfriend",since it has put so much more into perspective and it's getting a little bit out of hand. I won't allow myself to let that go. Seriously, of all things to ask of me as a friend...so you say, why that? It confuses and in an unhealthy way stresses me out. I want to say I'm down, but just not now...I've asked and asked myself, why can't it be this way or why couldn't that be the last "serious" conversation we had years from now. But no, it was one of the recent "serious" conversations now. What's with that?
Lately, I've been trying to do everything and anything but focus on what truly matters, the matters of God's importance in life, family, friends, school, and well the one that's been hitting me hard. matters of the heart super corny. But sometimes, the heart wants or desires what the rest of ourselves can't bear. I can't bear this awkward period of time. I know I'll get through this. Other than realizing as of today how crappy of an "exfriend" or exgirlfriend I am.
I can't help but realize the patterns in my past boy friendships. It's when I realize that we might be just "more than friends" that I get scared. I can't risk getting hurt and by backing away I hurt even more. When it's me that figuratively burns the guy before he burns me, I beat them to the punch. But the ripple effect takes its toll on me. Well, not that it doesn't affect them just as much... I seem to dwell on it more than I should. I definitely have difficulty keeping a friendship let alone a casual conversation with a boy that has walked into my life and who I have walked away from. I can't say I'd like to be the girl who's waiting for the guy to come around and let me know what's up ending in the way I've left my past friendships with the boys who have come and gone...some who have also come back and well try sticking around -_-
I can't let this go. Especially since that last conversation with one of the friends that is a boy who I care about in a way I've felt before...he's the same person I've felt this way sometime ago. He's always just "there" When I had my boyfriend and well the guys I dated, he was and is the common denominator. My protective bestfriend. It seems to be so difficult for me to decipher the difference of you being protective and just being a really great bestfriend. In a way there isn't supposed to be a difference. Yet, I can't stop and think that you too, are just as afraid as I am. But I still become very hesitant that I'm only sabotaging what's been there and that's here right now. Why sabatoge one of the greatest friendships I've had? I'd rather stay quiet than risk everything. But in doing so I'm risking so much more. I keep confusing myself
I don't want to just be "friends" yet, that's all I can really say for I don't know your side of the story and I'm too foolish to ask.
I don't know where to begin. I can't get one of the last conversations that I had with who I consider my "bestfriend",since it has put so much more into perspective and it's getting a little bit out of hand. I won't allow myself to let that go. Seriously, of all things to ask of me as a friend...so you say, why that? It confuses and in an unhealthy way stresses me out. I want to say I'm down, but just not now...I've asked and asked myself, why can't it be this way or why couldn't that be the last "serious" conversation we had years from now. But no, it was one of the recent "serious" conversations now. What's with that?
Lately, I've been trying to do everything and anything but focus on what truly matters, the matters of God's importance in life, family, friends, school, and well the one that's been hitting me hard. matters of the heart super corny. But sometimes, the heart wants or desires what the rest of ourselves can't bear. I can't bear this awkward period of time. I know I'll get through this. Other than realizing as of today how crappy of an "exfriend" or exgirlfriend I am.
I can't help but realize the patterns in my past boy friendships. It's when I realize that we might be just "more than friends" that I get scared. I can't risk getting hurt and by backing away I hurt even more. When it's me that figuratively burns the guy before he burns me, I beat them to the punch. But the ripple effect takes its toll on me. Well, not that it doesn't affect them just as much... I seem to dwell on it more than I should. I definitely have difficulty keeping a friendship let alone a casual conversation with a boy that has walked into my life and who I have walked away from. I can't say I'd like to be the girl who's waiting for the guy to come around and let me know what's up ending in the way I've left my past friendships with the boys who have come and gone...some who have also come back and well try sticking around -_-
I can't let this go. Especially since that last conversation with one of the friends that is a boy who I care about in a way I've felt before...he's the same person I've felt this way sometime ago. He's always just "there" When I had my boyfriend and well the guys I dated, he was and is the common denominator. My protective bestfriend. It seems to be so difficult for me to decipher the difference of you being protective and just being a really great bestfriend. In a way there isn't supposed to be a difference. Yet, I can't stop and think that you too, are just as afraid as I am. But I still become very hesitant that I'm only sabotaging what's been there and that's here right now. Why sabatoge one of the greatest friendships I've had? I'd rather stay quiet than risk everything. But in doing so I'm risking so much more. I keep confusing myself
I don't want to just be "friends" yet, that's all I can really say for I don't know your side of the story and I'm too foolish to ask.
explains what i "pheel"
Do you still talk to the one that broke your heart?
Too many questions (like this) are surrounding my thoughts
Forget about her and look at me,
I'm so much better but tell me what do you see?
Chorus:
What do you think about me?
Am I too short? Too fat? Even skinny for your liking?
Do I run like a dork or speak real slow?
But one thing I have to know
Would you ever let me go...?
Who do you think of the most everyday?
The tone in your voice says there's no one that way
Follow me, I'll make you love again
but can I be more than... your best friend?
Chorus
- Interlude -
Erase her from your mind
So many other fish in the sea
She's not worth your time
I hope that other fish is me
Do I make the first move?
Or am I too nerdy? Too flirty?
How do I get closer to you?
But tell me, what do you see...
What do you think about me?
Am I too young? Too old? Too childish for your liking?
Do I boss you around or do I play too much?
But one thing's for sure...
What do you think about me?
Am I too nice? Too sweet? Too pretty for your personality?
Do I shine like gold or haven't you noticed
I'm right here in front of you
and I'll never let you go...
© 2008 SB Lyrics
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
you've got me wondering
Still, you've definitely got me thinking and wondering what's going on in your mind. Are your mannerisms your indirect ways to tell me? If they are I don't know how much longer I'll be able to decipher the difference. A few persons have told me one or two words of advice concerning what the possibilities may be. I don't want to know what they think. The words have helped me tremendously...But, I'd rather hear it from you… Oh wait. I have. A number of times, in different formats, verbalizations, and the one that takes the cake: you're gestures. You’re always with your figures of speech and actions, making it harder to figure you out. You're driving me up the wall! There's something else that bothers me, at the fact that as hard as I can make myself believe I'm the one over-analyzing (well I am), something tells me this isn't just a figment of my imagination or driven based on desire to know...I'd go to that place and "just be" and although it wouldn't make sense of anything, it'd make me happy. Every other place just brings me back. It's definitely not the same anymore and that's with a positive connotation. All I know is that I can't prevent what makes sense inside of me from surfacing. I don't want to keep hiding anymore. Well I've failed already, yet suprisingly for some people I've kept a certain facade to their perspective. Only I can know the difference and make my decisions...Okay, not entirely true. I have the greatest guidance by God. As I've said earlier, I'm entrusting myself in God. I'm walking with God taking this journey wherever He may lead me. I laab my laab.
Monday, April 27, 2009
so many questions
So many questions I'd like to ask. And well some questions have been answered that I'd like to say I wasn't suprised they were asked or well so much as indirectly demanded. But it already happened, I'd rather it be somewhat forgotten and not brought up until years and years from now but I highly doubt that possibility. From the person that has indirectly told me, it bothers me that it affects the welfare of us both. It isn't that its harmful but simultaneously it is within an instant. How can someone be blinded and not realize their words of exchange or their behaviors? Well it's complex and it's simple. I've contributed to what was said and what was asked and didn't exactly respond as straightfoward as expected. I was fascinated to say the least and confused at it being so casual and blunt. It's as if we were thinking the same but not saying the same but still having the meaning behind it parallel. Why of all questions would it be that? Why bring such a topic up that you know can change so many circumstances and well why choose me? So many things as I've responded are missing. To ask what's missing just makes me rethink everything but then take it back so I don't over-analyze. What is it that you really want from me and if I'm completely wrong, than fine. I'd rather you prove me wrong than right...at the moment, I'd rather say I was wrong and should have known it was a hypothetical question...why is it easier to tell a lie than tell the truth?
the truth hurts, but I'd rather know the truth,be hurt,than be happy living a lie. I know for sure you won't be reading this,but there's no other way that I can ever bring this up to you or to anyone personally as a actual conversation for it would be a little overwhelming to repeat. well to a certain extent, for i've talked to people that aren't informed or mature enough to know.Being the naive person I am, it all seems like a joke. But in reality, it confuses me less, to some extent you're actually serious so serious about what's going on, and I have no clue how to react in the same serious manner. You don't get it at all. Or maybe I have no sense of direction. If you know what's going on and don't bother to tell me or bring it up, than don't expect anything less from me. In a way, I'm flattered,in a way I'm disturbed, I'm also confused, happy, and extra worried. All I want is to care and show I care about you and your well-being as well as my own. that we are both respected. But right now, this is a little too much for me. Lines have definitely been crossed in all sorts of directions and as I've said before, why choose me?
at least if you'd answer that question truthfully, maybe just maybe. It'd definitely be different with everything that's been happening and everything that is being planned.
the truth hurts, but I'd rather know the truth,be hurt,than be happy living a lie. I know for sure you won't be reading this,but there's no other way that I can ever bring this up to you or to anyone personally as a actual conversation for it would be a little overwhelming to repeat. well to a certain extent, for i've talked to people that aren't informed or mature enough to know.Being the naive person I am, it all seems like a joke. But in reality, it confuses me less, to some extent you're actually serious so serious about what's going on, and I have no clue how to react in the same serious manner. You don't get it at all. Or maybe I have no sense of direction. If you know what's going on and don't bother to tell me or bring it up, than don't expect anything less from me. In a way, I'm flattered,in a way I'm disturbed, I'm also confused, happy, and extra worried. All I want is to care and show I care about you and your well-being as well as my own. that we are both respected. But right now, this is a little too much for me. Lines have definitely been crossed in all sorts of directions and as I've said before, why choose me?
at least if you'd answer that question truthfully, maybe just maybe. It'd definitely be different with everything that's been happening and everything that is being planned.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
as i sit and write
I've been so consumed in what I see as "fit" disregarding the Perfect Plan. Who am I to question the very works of His Hands? As I've re-visited my old blogsites I've realized they surround the same issues. And a majority of them question happiness&love. What excuses have been said and made to question what isn't "broken". There's that saying "why fix something that isn't broken..."
Given the fact that I've had idle time or rather procrastinate on the upcoming deadlines, I've used it to think,reflect&pray. To discern -to perceive by the sight or some other sense or by the intellect; see, recognize, or apprehend." (dictionary.com) It's quite simple. Why question what's right, with a question of wrong? I'm not saying to be ignorant to not want to know, but when do you know when inquiring isn't necessary? It's been a bit difficult to 'believe'. Believe whole-heartedly in all that He has planned for me. He been in search of me to look for HIM.
I'm saying my "yes"
It's everything that I've been taught and continue to learn every day. How to be His. It's interesting to me that when we truly take time to reflect, we learn a new concept of life and what 'our' lives mean to us. Personally, if we just think back at the times we search for Him, it's in time of stress,pain,and misunderstandings. What difference is it to search for Him when we're happy,alive,and understood by others. As I sit and write, I acknowledge the endlesss times He's showed me LOVE.
"LOVE: We think about it, Sing about it, Dream about it && Loose sleep worrying about it. When we don't know we have it, we search for it. When we discover it, we don't know what to do with it. When we have it, we fear loosing it. It is the constant source of pleasure and pain. But we don't know which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define && IMPOSSIBLE to live without." - anonymous
God, You are definitely difficult to define by context, but I know that YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE to LIVE WITHOUT. My "fear" of losing YOU, is backwards. I "choose" to leave YOU and YOU continue to be by my side. It's disappointing to me that I've come to terms with this concept now. Well not that I haven't already been aware of this concept,but the more its come to full circle. I've always questioned and doubted His Plans, but I am also human. I know how to trust. But I entrust, all unto HIM. I won't stop questioning Him, but hopefully I won't question upon doubt. It's not what I see "fit". It's what He sees in what perfection IS. The Plan He has for me, is a Plan in progress. I pray that as I say 'my' yes, I embrace what is in store.
I thank God because I can 'restart' living in HIM and do so freely by choice.
Given the fact that I've had idle time or rather procrastinate on the upcoming deadlines, I've used it to think,reflect&pray. To discern -to perceive by the sight or some other sense or by the intellect; see, recognize, or apprehend." (dictionary.com) It's quite simple. Why question what's right, with a question of wrong? I'm not saying to be ignorant to not want to know, but when do you know when inquiring isn't necessary? It's been a bit difficult to 'believe'. Believe whole-heartedly in all that He has planned for me. He been in search of me to look for HIM.
I'm saying my "yes"
It's everything that I've been taught and continue to learn every day. How to be His. It's interesting to me that when we truly take time to reflect, we learn a new concept of life and what 'our' lives mean to us. Personally, if we just think back at the times we search for Him, it's in time of stress,pain,and misunderstandings. What difference is it to search for Him when we're happy,alive,and understood by others. As I sit and write, I acknowledge the endlesss times He's showed me LOVE.
"LOVE: We think about it, Sing about it, Dream about it && Loose sleep worrying about it. When we don't know we have it, we search for it. When we discover it, we don't know what to do with it. When we have it, we fear loosing it. It is the constant source of pleasure and pain. But we don't know which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define && IMPOSSIBLE to live without." - anonymous
God, You are definitely difficult to define by context, but I know that YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE to LIVE WITHOUT. My "fear" of losing YOU, is backwards. I "choose" to leave YOU and YOU continue to be by my side. It's disappointing to me that I've come to terms with this concept now. Well not that I haven't already been aware of this concept,but the more its come to full circle. I've always questioned and doubted His Plans, but I am also human. I know how to trust. But I entrust, all unto HIM. I won't stop questioning Him, but hopefully I won't question upon doubt. It's not what I see "fit". It's what He sees in what perfection IS. The Plan He has for me, is a Plan in progress. I pray that as I say 'my' yes, I embrace what is in store.
I thank God because I can 'restart' living in HIM and do so freely by choice.
Friday, April 24, 2009
who's counting?
The days are moving fast and I can't believe that I'm a senior. It's ridiculous how time passes so quick. I thank God for everything He's blessed me with and continues to bless and reveal to me. I may not know all the answers to the World, but I'm beginning to realize and remember that all my answers lie in HIM, and only HIM.
My Mom and Ate are safely in the Philippines now and I'm a bit jealous at the fact that they are over there. But, it gives time with my Dad as well as time to myself. It's very quiet I might add. Time to bring my priorities in order and re-organize what's what. There are still plenty of assignments and projects that need to be started or continued til the end is complete.
I wanted to give up not too long ago and as much as that is appealing, I wouldn't be the person I perceive myself to be. What I'm "worth" and what I "deserve" is to be "happy". I am to "please" myself and what I "do" is "IMPORTANT".
I can't help but think that what I've been doing has been exactly what was needed and needed to be done. I've learned to learn. In a few ways I've learned to accept, to start over, to continue, to strive and to persevere.
I'd like to say I'm happy with the way life has been going for me. And well in my own way, I am happy. Mistakes have been made. Behaviors are in need to be altered. Attitudes definitely need to be adjusted. My perspectives have adapted.
I'm not so much of expecting too much or underestimating nowadays either. But I am trying to be as realistic and optimistic as I see 'fit'.
As human as I am, it gets a challenging to see where all of my actions are geared toward or finding its way to a rationalization or failure of making excuses. I'm definitely scared of the future but I'm not going to let that fear consume me.
Peace within myself is getting closer and closer and its a blessing in disguise....
My Mom and Ate are safely in the Philippines now and I'm a bit jealous at the fact that they are over there. But, it gives time with my Dad as well as time to myself. It's very quiet I might add. Time to bring my priorities in order and re-organize what's what. There are still plenty of assignments and projects that need to be started or continued til the end is complete.
I wanted to give up not too long ago and as much as that is appealing, I wouldn't be the person I perceive myself to be. What I'm "worth" and what I "deserve" is to be "happy". I am to "please" myself and what I "do" is "IMPORTANT".
I can't help but think that what I've been doing has been exactly what was needed and needed to be done. I've learned to learn. In a few ways I've learned to accept, to start over, to continue, to strive and to persevere.
I'd like to say I'm happy with the way life has been going for me. And well in my own way, I am happy. Mistakes have been made. Behaviors are in need to be altered. Attitudes definitely need to be adjusted. My perspectives have adapted.
I'm not so much of expecting too much or underestimating nowadays either. But I am trying to be as realistic and optimistic as I see 'fit'.
As human as I am, it gets a challenging to see where all of my actions are geared toward or finding its way to a rationalization or failure of making excuses. I'm definitely scared of the future but I'm not going to let that fear consume me.
Peace within myself is getting closer and closer and its a blessing in disguise....
Thursday, April 16, 2009
this is meant to be read
So I've read this before through a good friend last summer&it was brought back to my attention through my bl00dsister in Christ,going strong for seven years now =) well in the long run but closer for four...got lost in the beginning lol,we weren't as close&it was just starting. But anyway, the letter is this and although the author is unknown, the real author is God. And that is what I believe.
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God says to a Christian, "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with living, loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me alone. I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings.
"I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you that most thrilling plan existing, one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the BEST! Please allow me to bring it to you. You just keep watching me, expecting that satisfaction, expecting the greatest things, and know that I Am. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait!
"Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have received. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up to me, or you'll miss what I want to show you.
"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you would ever imagine. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time), until you are both satsified exclusively with me and the life I have planned and prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me...and this is perfect love.
"Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you utterly, I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied."
Just wanted to share this and re-read myself so I can look back and re-read again. For there is truth in this letter and I'm so blessed to have another close friend bring it back to my reality.For there are times when I really don't know and wonder ever so often about who's who. Not to mention why mr.bestfriend seems to come with his suprises everytime I "give up" on him in a way to prevent myself from over-analyzing,hoping and getting too emotional for what I know may just be a figment of my imagination. But who am I to judge. I only know as much as I am to know given the time and reality of it all. It amuses me tremendously of the timing especially nonverbal&verbal communication though. But all is just part of life and part of those moments in itself. So I'm just praying that I do believe and remind myself that God has His Plan for me and my signifcant other. If that's mr.bestfriend?...I won't know until I'm told.
Including with God's Plan, I'm not too sure about this leadership role within PNYM...I'll keep praying,trying not to be ignorant of His Words. I'm just praying for one of those clear signs and strong 'feelings' or rather words of inspiration to ensure that I'm called to be a more apparent sign of His Words and humbly express His Deeds....
that's all for now...
roxannemarie♥
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God says to a Christian, "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with living, loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me alone. I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings.
"I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you that most thrilling plan existing, one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the BEST! Please allow me to bring it to you. You just keep watching me, expecting that satisfaction, expecting the greatest things, and know that I Am. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait!
"Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have received. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up to me, or you'll miss what I want to show you.
"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you would ever imagine. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time), until you are both satsified exclusively with me and the life I have planned and prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me...and this is perfect love.
"Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you utterly, I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied."
Just wanted to share this and re-read myself so I can look back and re-read again. For there is truth in this letter and I'm so blessed to have another close friend bring it back to my reality.For there are times when I really don't know and wonder ever so often about who's who. Not to mention why mr.bestfriend seems to come with his suprises everytime I "give up" on him in a way to prevent myself from over-analyzing,hoping and getting too emotional for what I know may just be a figment of my imagination. But who am I to judge. I only know as much as I am to know given the time and reality of it all. It amuses me tremendously of the timing especially nonverbal&verbal communication though. But all is just part of life and part of those moments in itself. So I'm just praying that I do believe and remind myself that God has His Plan for me and my signifcant other. If that's mr.bestfriend?...I won't know until I'm told.
Including with God's Plan, I'm not too sure about this leadership role within PNYM...I'll keep praying,trying not to be ignorant of His Words. I'm just praying for one of those clear signs and strong 'feelings' or rather words of inspiration to ensure that I'm called to be a more apparent sign of His Words and humbly express His Deeds....
that's all for now...
roxannemarie♥
Saturday, April 11, 2009
why soo unhappy?
I've been wanting to just bury myself in tears and isolate myself from the world.
Not too long ago every other person and even when I see myself in the mirror do I notice I'm not the happy-go-lucky person apparently the same people were used to seeing. Some kind of twisted delighting reality check...to know that on the outside I've been able to bring a presence of happiness. Unfortunately, it's all been a mask. For the most part the happiness is genuine. But what feels like an eternity of feeling stuck, it's been a mixture of compacted stress,hurt,confusion&held back anger or rather repressed emotions. It's as if I've lied to myself over and over yet no one can truly lie to themselves and can only lie to others for so long until it consumes them whole.
It's as if I see myself through a television set. Watching from a far place seeing the internal expressions of hopelessness and restlessness nights. Fighting with myself to be and do certain things for the benefits of others. I can't help but think to be selfish. Selfish in a way that I may start to commit myself to things that make me happy and start to care for myself better. In no way am I promoting myself any better than anyone but I feel that I've been concentrating on pleasing everyone else but myself and what should ultimately be God that I've totally lost my sense of self.
Days go by that every time I see a family member all they feel necessary to ask is whether I'm alright,feel okay,or ask what's wrong. Yet I have no answer,just misplaced attitude&pain.
With Easter coming tomorrow,I've been trying to really place everything in Jesus rising&taking all the pain and hurt that he endured yesterday on Good Friday and raise all my confusion to less worry&understanding. To be the joy in rejoice. This Lenten season my faith has been tested and I've definitely lost my way to the point of giving way to the devil and let him keep me blinded only to remind myself of sadness and confusion. When all the while I should have continued to pray,trust more and be silent to listen to His Words.
On a sidebar- Nanay Atring, one of many who used to babysit me with Lolo is back from the hospital however, has gangrene in her legs :'( I did ask my parents to drive us to visit. We found out she was discharged yesterday&visited the house. I was so happy to see her after so many years. Only to find out that she has gangrene in her legs. She is also going to have her left leg amputated for a better quality of living. The brightside to it is that it's below the knee,she can carry conversations, she's alert, no food is prohibited,she's not diabetic and her heart and cholesterol is healthy,with only her bloodpressure high =/. And if she can handle it, there's a possibility she'll have a prosthetic leg. It was comforting that both nanay and lolo remembers me and it was amusing how one of the first things they ask me,seperately, is if I have a boyfriend or if anyone is courting me. Hahaha jokes on me, because I'm not one to tell the difference. And well my dad's answer was pretty funny since he said well if she did I wouldn't know because who knows what she does when she's out. Not exactly my idea of an answer,but it's partially true I guess. But I tell them where I am and they ask why I'm calling. But it is what it is.
In general there's so many lessons I need to learn and experiences that need to be experienced,emotions included. All I need to keep reminding myself is frog.
Hopefully soon I can find a place where I can escape to find peace and to rethink my thoughts and priorities. A place where I can go when all seems to be lost and a place where my sense of self can be restored.
Not too long ago every other person and even when I see myself in the mirror do I notice I'm not the happy-go-lucky person apparently the same people were used to seeing. Some kind of twisted delighting reality check...to know that on the outside I've been able to bring a presence of happiness. Unfortunately, it's all been a mask. For the most part the happiness is genuine. But what feels like an eternity of feeling stuck, it's been a mixture of compacted stress,hurt,confusion&held back anger or rather repressed emotions. It's as if I've lied to myself over and over yet no one can truly lie to themselves and can only lie to others for so long until it consumes them whole.
It's as if I see myself through a television set. Watching from a far place seeing the internal expressions of hopelessness and restlessness nights. Fighting with myself to be and do certain things for the benefits of others. I can't help but think to be selfish. Selfish in a way that I may start to commit myself to things that make me happy and start to care for myself better. In no way am I promoting myself any better than anyone but I feel that I've been concentrating on pleasing everyone else but myself and what should ultimately be God that I've totally lost my sense of self.
Days go by that every time I see a family member all they feel necessary to ask is whether I'm alright,feel okay,or ask what's wrong. Yet I have no answer,just misplaced attitude&pain.
With Easter coming tomorrow,I've been trying to really place everything in Jesus rising&taking all the pain and hurt that he endured yesterday on Good Friday and raise all my confusion to less worry&understanding. To be the joy in rejoice. This Lenten season my faith has been tested and I've definitely lost my way to the point of giving way to the devil and let him keep me blinded only to remind myself of sadness and confusion. When all the while I should have continued to pray,trust more and be silent to listen to His Words.
On a sidebar- Nanay Atring, one of many who used to babysit me with Lolo is back from the hospital however, has gangrene in her legs :'( I did ask my parents to drive us to visit. We found out she was discharged yesterday&visited the house. I was so happy to see her after so many years. Only to find out that she has gangrene in her legs. She is also going to have her left leg amputated for a better quality of living. The brightside to it is that it's below the knee,she can carry conversations, she's alert, no food is prohibited,she's not diabetic and her heart and cholesterol is healthy,with only her bloodpressure high =/. And if she can handle it, there's a possibility she'll have a prosthetic leg. It was comforting that both nanay and lolo remembers me and it was amusing how one of the first things they ask me,seperately, is if I have a boyfriend or if anyone is courting me. Hahaha jokes on me, because I'm not one to tell the difference. And well my dad's answer was pretty funny since he said well if she did I wouldn't know because who knows what she does when she's out. Not exactly my idea of an answer,but it's partially true I guess. But I tell them where I am and they ask why I'm calling. But it is what it is.
In general there's so many lessons I need to learn and experiences that need to be experienced,emotions included. All I need to keep reminding myself is frog.
Hopefully soon I can find a place where I can escape to find peace and to rethink my thoughts and priorities. A place where I can go when all seems to be lost and a place where my sense of self can be restored.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
smhh,collegeee.
Okay, so my report card was fine,my average went down a few points but the only drastic change was psych =( but I still have an 80 average in the class so I'm good. This whole college process has officially stressed me out. Although I know now where I'll be attending. The waiting process and finding out has stressed 'my' life completely >:o
As for where I'll be going,I'll be Class of '13 at Molloy =) I may not be a freshman nursing major but I'm under undeclared to be declared after fall *09. Minor setback but pre-requisites are mandatory anyway and I'll be declared a nursing major after that's done. There's always a waay =D.
Apparently my mom wants me to "fly" to class. Telling me that I won't be allowed to drive yet. It makes complete nonsense,my dad laugh and look at my mom funny. It makes no sense for me to take public transportation everyday if I can drive. It's interesting to me though for my mom to change her mind when she "okay-ed" me driving a month ago from wherever I had planned to stay during college. What difference did a month make?
Sometimes it seriously bothers me when my family still sees me as 5 years old. So I am the baby in the family, but I'm also growing up. Not that I want to be an adult just yet,but, I am on the way there. I'm still learning and the fact of me growing up won't change. It's part of life. The life that I'll soon be experiencing even more than I am now...once I'm in college. One minute everyone is asking me or telling me how I should finish college and make decisions for myself. Then the next minute when I make my decisions or discuss them,they shut them down. So much for any discussions at all. Then they wonder why I get upset at times or why it's difficult for me to actually hold a serious conversation with my family. The answer to that is, that they actually don't take me seriously and when it matters the most, they pretend they never heard me say anything at all discerning the matter or topic.Then I get yelled at. That makes perfect sense...
As for "bestfriend", I won't know until I ask or until we discuss everything, well almost everything. What didn't seem to matter before does now. But isn't it always like that. Certain things seem insignificant until there's meaning given or absolute worry or concern behind it. For now I don't understand or rather don't want to try understanding just because at the moment I'm stubborn,afraid,and tired of wondering why?what?when? and where?
All questions that need answers that won't be answered until asked....womp womp.
As for where I'll be going,I'll be Class of '13 at Molloy =) I may not be a freshman nursing major but I'm under undeclared to be declared after fall *09. Minor setback but pre-requisites are mandatory anyway and I'll be declared a nursing major after that's done. There's always a waay =D.
Apparently my mom wants me to "fly" to class. Telling me that I won't be allowed to drive yet. It makes complete nonsense,my dad laugh and look at my mom funny. It makes no sense for me to take public transportation everyday if I can drive. It's interesting to me though for my mom to change her mind when she "okay-ed" me driving a month ago from wherever I had planned to stay during college. What difference did a month make?
Sometimes it seriously bothers me when my family still sees me as 5 years old. So I am the baby in the family, but I'm also growing up. Not that I want to be an adult just yet,but, I am on the way there. I'm still learning and the fact of me growing up won't change. It's part of life. The life that I'll soon be experiencing even more than I am now...once I'm in college. One minute everyone is asking me or telling me how I should finish college and make decisions for myself. Then the next minute when I make my decisions or discuss them,they shut them down. So much for any discussions at all. Then they wonder why I get upset at times or why it's difficult for me to actually hold a serious conversation with my family. The answer to that is, that they actually don't take me seriously and when it matters the most, they pretend they never heard me say anything at all discerning the matter or topic.Then I get yelled at. That makes perfect sense...
As for "bestfriend", I won't know until I ask or until we discuss everything, well almost everything. What didn't seem to matter before does now. But isn't it always like that. Certain things seem insignificant until there's meaning given or absolute worry or concern behind it. For now I don't understand or rather don't want to try understanding just because at the moment I'm stubborn,afraid,and tired of wondering why?what?when? and where?
All questions that need answers that won't be answered until asked....womp womp.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
with me always
Today was my senior retreat. Even though it was in carajo land,a place far far away. This was my senior retreat at the damascus/grace house ar 207 inwood,last stop on the A train. It was with 32 of the senior girls for today since they broke the senior class of a hundred something throughout this week of march for retreat. It was a simple retreat 'day'. I say simple because a retreat day is usually 9 to 5 or six. But in short, I can say it was a day of reflection. The theme of the day was Prayer. Who can go wrong with prayer. It was based on prayer and the analogy of a butterfly. Being that I am a senior, it is efficient. For sixteen years and a little more than 4 months, I've been in a cocoon. Safely watched, guided, and sheltered. In hope to emerge and endure the upcoming metamorphasis into a growing butterfly. The transitions of a teenager into a young adult into the transitions of a high school soon to be graduate into a freshman in college. For right now, I'm geared toward the path of Molloy College. I have exactly seven days from today to wait and see if Hunter College has accepted me into their Nursing Program.
Being that I was in my day of reflection, the speaker had said a verse that I'm paraphrasing of saying,
"If I believe,I shall not be afraid."
When she had repeated this message twice,although I may be paraphrasing the verse, all that came to mind was another fun abbreviation that may not exactly have been circulated anywhere or possibly it has. But it was this,
"FAITH- For All Is Through Him"
Now I don't know if I had heard this before or if it was an idea of inspiration at that moment. For all I know it was both. That was what had resonated in my mind. The speaker had also told us that "God is always with you, even in the places you aren't supposed to be." This is slowly begininng to be my sense of security. Of all the times I've been to places that aren't of bad intentions, I've been to places without my parents knowing exactly where I've gone either.
This day of reflection has given me my sense of self and inner peace. Not only have I been worrying lately or displacing emotions,but I have taken the time to stop all the noise that I've either afflicted upon myself or payed attention within my atmosphere. So I've also ignored some people and in respect to myself have prayed the offenses aren't personal.
In a way I'm trying to truly "guard my heart,for it is the wellspring of life." This life that I've been blessed with. To wake up another day, live another moment, breathe the air of the 'toxicated' world. I Am a child of God. Part of His Kingdom here on earth. The heir to His Throne, His precious princess, the daughter of a King and the sister of a Prince.
He is my refuge, my strength, my Savior, He's slowly but surely beginning to be my best friend. In my time of need, despair, happiness and joy. He's the one that shows me the simplest of moments are some of the moments that make all the difference. The beauty and simplicity of them all shine a light upon life's greatest treasures.
Being that I was in my day of reflection, the speaker had said a verse that I'm paraphrasing of saying,
"If I believe,I shall not be afraid."
When she had repeated this message twice,although I may be paraphrasing the verse, all that came to mind was another fun abbreviation that may not exactly have been circulated anywhere or possibly it has. But it was this,
"FAITH- For All Is Through Him"
Now I don't know if I had heard this before or if it was an idea of inspiration at that moment. For all I know it was both. That was what had resonated in my mind. The speaker had also told us that "God is always with you, even in the places you aren't supposed to be." This is slowly begininng to be my sense of security. Of all the times I've been to places that aren't of bad intentions, I've been to places without my parents knowing exactly where I've gone either.
This day of reflection has given me my sense of self and inner peace. Not only have I been worrying lately or displacing emotions,but I have taken the time to stop all the noise that I've either afflicted upon myself or payed attention within my atmosphere. So I've also ignored some people and in respect to myself have prayed the offenses aren't personal.
In a way I'm trying to truly "guard my heart,for it is the wellspring of life." This life that I've been blessed with. To wake up another day, live another moment, breathe the air of the 'toxicated' world. I Am a child of God. Part of His Kingdom here on earth. The heir to His Throne, His precious princess, the daughter of a King and the sister of a Prince.
He is my refuge, my strength, my Savior, He's slowly but surely beginning to be my best friend. In my time of need, despair, happiness and joy. He's the one that shows me the simplest of moments are some of the moments that make all the difference. The beauty and simplicity of them all shine a light upon life's greatest treasures.
Friday, March 20, 2009
smhh
So total fail for my lenten promises >_< definitely drank iced tea including green tea,ate chocolate and slowly returning to the rude unappropriate use of profanity. Prom is coming soon and well my prom partner, is a pretty chill dude. A friend of a friend. Hahaha. Different events have happened lately and I'm still trying to make sense of it. The high school days of reflection have been amazingly stressful but worth it all. There's several messages that I've ignored and several messages that I've received. Also trying to make sense of them as well. Whether it deals with the big question of "where am I going" at the current moment. College hasn't exactly been the easiest decision with the somewhat incomplete 'rolemodels' to follow.
smhhh also have been totally distractedd with everyone and everythingg only driving myself insane with over analyzing as perusual. listening to a bunch of songs haven't helped either however, this past week has its happy interesting moments as well. haha just kidding. well the week has definitely answered the many mind questions i pose to myself and haven't disappointed me at all. Some have just suprised me and confirmed different aspects as well. I still have to keep reminding myself that its all in HIS PLAN and in HIS TIME. I need to f.r.o.g.! xD
FULLY RELY ON GOD
smhhh also have been totally distractedd with everyone and everythingg only driving myself insane with over analyzing as perusual. listening to a bunch of songs haven't helped either however, this past week has its happy interesting moments as well. haha just kidding. well the week has definitely answered the many mind questions i pose to myself and haven't disappointed me at all. Some have just suprised me and confirmed different aspects as well. I still have to keep reminding myself that its all in HIS PLAN and in HIS TIME. I need to f.r.o.g.! xD
FULLY RELY ON GOD
Friday, March 6, 2009
piercing
Lately everything been a roller coaster in my mind. With up and downs not to far apart from each other. I don't know where I'm going and I'm losing my sense of direction. So yesterday I played my first role as a senior retreat facilitator :) what an experience to endure! No wonder pnym facilitators for LSS go through a whole entire long process of prayer&trust in God. Mind you the retreats at CHS are no where near as long as LSS but a day of reflection to say the least. It was exciting,nerve racking,but all worth it. Especially with two more to go for sophomores&juniors!
So many aspects have been running through my head&a few of them are piercing what gives me life, the heart. The things I'd love to share the things that are the hardest to express to people I trust. How is it that the times where I truly want to say something I can't speak? My heart becomes numb,by body sore&my head spinning in circles. Lately, my silence has pierced me the most. I'm trying to listen I'm trying to cope I'm trying to reach out&missing out on a message I ignore God most of all >_<
"At times I feel myself smiling, at time I'm not...."
Why is it so hard for me to accept what life is blessing me with? Why is it that I question almost always everything? This uncertainty is piercing my heart. The lack of trust and security is killing my insides. I think about issues too much worry too much am less happy and tense. I'm impatient, angry, unstable. In retrospect, I play a role. I have masks upon masks upon masks. Concealing everything with a smile painted across my face.
Lord, I need YOU, I want YOU, & I'm LOST!
So many aspects have been running through my head&a few of them are piercing what gives me life, the heart. The things I'd love to share the things that are the hardest to express to people I trust. How is it that the times where I truly want to say something I can't speak? My heart becomes numb,by body sore&my head spinning in circles. Lately, my silence has pierced me the most. I'm trying to listen I'm trying to cope I'm trying to reach out&missing out on a message I ignore God most of all >_<
"At times I feel myself smiling, at time I'm not...."
Why is it so hard for me to accept what life is blessing me with? Why is it that I question almost always everything? This uncertainty is piercing my heart. The lack of trust and security is killing my insides. I think about issues too much worry too much am less happy and tense. I'm impatient, angry, unstable. In retrospect, I play a role. I have masks upon masks upon masks. Concealing everything with a smile painted across my face.
Lord, I need YOU, I want YOU, & I'm LOST!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
believes
aww man, so me being bored i cut my bangs..not too bad,but not i definitely miss the length of them. It's semi-fine knowing that they'll grow back anyway. I'd just like to get my hair trimmed anyway. But the last time i chopped off a good length soo...not ready for that. Aside from that, I believe. I believe that it really isn't just coincidences in life that happen, it really is God's incidents. His Plan although not always clear cut, its 'perfect'. So I may have blanked out on my midterms in general,but not horribly either. But as someone has told me, i shouldn't count my chickens before they hatch...soo i'll just have to wait and see. I've been doing that a lot lately...waiting&seeing...
As perusual, there's always something that we wait for in life or really in the present moments. And well so far as I know, the whole waiting process is seriously anxiety filled but all worth the wait when the wait seems to be 'over'. All that means to me nowadays is that there isn't an end. Always a new beginning. In the processing of my train of thoughts, 'the end' concerning anything is only another begininng. It may not always be what we expect. But when we think back, although we'd like to have that chance to change one or two things,there's nothing we want to despite our current circumstance.
I believe, it really IS HIS PLAN&&NOT MINE. the suprises and blessings no matter how twisted,make life all the more worth taking time for appreciation instead of depreciation. SO that may not be everyday but in all appreaciate more than anything else.
On another note, so as of late..where I've been at the times I've been and why still doesn't make sense to me. Not that its anything close to being bad or anything of that sort,its actually very happy-go-lucky for me. which is why it doesn't make sense. Here I am blogging about appreciation,but it is still also very foreign to me personally. I've been told I'm afraid of the good things that come in life. Yes, I'm being hypocritical here, but it is very critical...i'm afraid of happiness... what's with that? it's all processing within my being slowly but surely,to a feeling of security&peace...afraid as of now...but slowly and surely it is fading away. I find myself a little bit of at ease.Not concerning college but at the same time yes. Because as I've stated above, it's HIS PLAN, NOT MINE.
I do pray though that the several friendships I have with people grow stronger and well 'restart' or just start xD that is what I pray is in HIS PLAN for me.
morethanatitle.mp3
As perusual, there's always something that we wait for in life or really in the present moments. And well so far as I know, the whole waiting process is seriously anxiety filled but all worth the wait when the wait seems to be 'over'. All that means to me nowadays is that there isn't an end. Always a new beginning. In the processing of my train of thoughts, 'the end' concerning anything is only another begininng. It may not always be what we expect. But when we think back, although we'd like to have that chance to change one or two things,there's nothing we want to despite our current circumstance.
I believe, it really IS HIS PLAN&&NOT MINE. the suprises and blessings no matter how twisted,make life all the more worth taking time for appreciation instead of depreciation. SO that may not be everyday but in all appreaciate more than anything else.
On another note, so as of late..where I've been at the times I've been and why still doesn't make sense to me. Not that its anything close to being bad or anything of that sort,its actually very happy-go-lucky for me. which is why it doesn't make sense. Here I am blogging about appreciation,but it is still also very foreign to me personally. I've been told I'm afraid of the good things that come in life. Yes, I'm being hypocritical here, but it is very critical...i'm afraid of happiness... what's with that? it's all processing within my being slowly but surely,to a feeling of security&peace...afraid as of now...but slowly and surely it is fading away. I find myself a little bit of at ease.Not concerning college but at the same time yes. Because as I've stated above, it's HIS PLAN, NOT MINE.
I do pray though that the several friendships I have with people grow stronger and well 'restart' or just start xD that is what I pray is in HIS PLAN for me.
morethanatitle.mp3
Friday, January 23, 2009
I so proud!
So today, as I lucked out by not taking any midterms or finals, I'm going to my kuya marc's graduation! Marc, is my big brother. Always has been and always will be. Well Marc my first cousins and my godbrother Nevin. They're my backbone in the family. Slowly but surely, so are my acutal ates. It's weird for me. Nowadays, my Ate Rhoda and Ate Roslyn ask me ever so often about my day and what I'm doing. I know a lot of it has to do with my personality of being very private. Yet, I am also one who wants to share her life story. Which is why I end up writing here or in notebooks and epecially through songs or poetry.
Kuya Marc, the guy who I can always take to and chill with when given he chances to. We're like two peas in a pod especially when our families go out. If I'm not there he isn't if he's not there I'm not...most of the times anyway. It sucks this year though, we were both supposed to go to pinas in the summer,but our older cousin Mark is getting married in April. He's going and I'm not being it as my senior year and all. Wohoo class of oh nine! =)
my Kuya Marc is your basic gangster thug looking kind of guy. The baggy jeans oversized hoodies fitteds and yeaah. So for him to be graduating especially early as january, is quite amusing to the old fashioned filipino family of mine. Where if you dress or act a certain way you're a loss of hope. But that's besides the point because who isn't judgmental. Still bothers my godbrother and I though just because we know Marc more than they ever will. I do love both my kuya&godbrother very very very much and it's reciporcal. Lol. If anything were to happen to me there'll be trouble and vice versa. Kuya Marc, I'm so proud of you and our family can just put their fist in their mouths because you are graduating and even with the award of perfect attendance...which is why you didn't come to LSS..but it's just not your time yet. I'm blessed to have a kuya like you&I know that your brother is watching over you and me smiling at your success,guiding you in your every way<3
R.I.P. CHRISTOPHER RYAN SAN DIEGO
I know if you were here on Earth, your Kuya would be the same kind of man he is today with the repsonsibility of being an awesome brother and friend. I may not have met you,sine you were born a month before mee and although you lived a little longer after I was born, I was in an incubator all connected to tubing with the marks to prove it. I love you,please continue to bless us. For all I know, you are Marc's guardian angel<3
salamat sa lahat 'kuya' christopher ryan, we will be together again...
Kuya Marc, the guy who I can always take to and chill with when given he chances to. We're like two peas in a pod especially when our families go out. If I'm not there he isn't if he's not there I'm not...most of the times anyway. It sucks this year though, we were both supposed to go to pinas in the summer,but our older cousin Mark is getting married in April. He's going and I'm not being it as my senior year and all. Wohoo class of oh nine! =)
my Kuya Marc is your basic gangster thug looking kind of guy. The baggy jeans oversized hoodies fitteds and yeaah. So for him to be graduating especially early as january, is quite amusing to the old fashioned filipino family of mine. Where if you dress or act a certain way you're a loss of hope. But that's besides the point because who isn't judgmental. Still bothers my godbrother and I though just because we know Marc more than they ever will. I do love both my kuya&godbrother very very very much and it's reciporcal. Lol. If anything were to happen to me there'll be trouble and vice versa. Kuya Marc, I'm so proud of you and our family can just put their fist in their mouths because you are graduating and even with the award of perfect attendance...which is why you didn't come to LSS..but it's just not your time yet. I'm blessed to have a kuya like you&I know that your brother is watching over you and me smiling at your success,guiding you in your every way<3
R.I.P. CHRISTOPHER RYAN SAN DIEGO
I know if you were here on Earth, your Kuya would be the same kind of man he is today with the repsonsibility of being an awesome brother and friend. I may not have met you,sine you were born a month before mee and although you lived a little longer after I was born, I was in an incubator all connected to tubing with the marks to prove it. I love you,please continue to bless us. For all I know, you are Marc's guardian angel<3
salamat sa lahat 'kuya' christopher ryan, we will be together again...
Monday, January 12, 2009
"LOVE"-MATT WHITE&&"LUCKY"-JASON MRAZ
So apparently I don't know what "boyfriend&girlfriend" means. But I've somewhat learned more than I could've ever imagined. So I hope you're proud of me mom...even though you don't know the whole story... It's not that I want to keep my life super private from my family,but, it's not exactly the easiest task to talk about life in general. Yes I know, you have to give it a try and not be so negative when facing this kind of personal issue but I'm still human and fear plenty.
So far this New Year, has been very New,Refreshing&&Blessed. Although there are still bumps within life, its overcome by the many suprises life brings. I'm very comfortable with where my life is at this very moment. Especially, concerning one of the many who is of great significance to me. So people accuse and in my case, "state the facts," say anything you wish. I'm loving where friendships are going nothing short of "greatness." I'm hoping that this New Year, friendships grow stronger and become re-enkindled with a brighter light.
There are going to be several transitions I'd like to experience in a learning and careful manner. High school into college to say the least. The ongoing process of discovering who I am, in the eyes of God. It's understood when in the eye of others however, as much as it is our human flaw, I'd rather not take that perspective to heart.
It's not going to be easy, but it doesn't have to be burdensome or difficult. This year, I'd really love to put all my cares and fears into prayer with God above all. God to You I give my heart, my all, I lift up to You this life You've blessed me with.
Each passing day, I pray not to stray. But as Your child I have my doubts. Lord, God, be in my every breath my every moment of life. To You I give my praise, my heart, and my trust in Your Will<3
So far this New Year, has been very New,Refreshing&&Blessed. Although there are still bumps within life, its overcome by the many suprises life brings. I'm very comfortable with where my life is at this very moment. Especially, concerning one of the many who is of great significance to me. So people accuse and in my case, "state the facts," say anything you wish. I'm loving where friendships are going nothing short of "greatness." I'm hoping that this New Year, friendships grow stronger and become re-enkindled with a brighter light.
There are going to be several transitions I'd like to experience in a learning and careful manner. High school into college to say the least. The ongoing process of discovering who I am, in the eyes of God. It's understood when in the eye of others however, as much as it is our human flaw, I'd rather not take that perspective to heart.
It's not going to be easy, but it doesn't have to be burdensome or difficult. This year, I'd really love to put all my cares and fears into prayer with God above all. God to You I give my heart, my all, I lift up to You this life You've blessed me with.
Each passing day, I pray not to stray. But as Your child I have my doubts. Lord, God, be in my every breath my every moment of life. To You I give my praise, my heart, and my trust in Your Will<3
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