piercing

Lately everything been a roller coaster in my mind. With up and downs not to far apart from each other. I don't know where I'm going and I'm losing my sense of direction. So yesterday I played my first role as a senior retreat facilitator :) what an experience to endure! No wonder pnym facilitators for LSS go through a whole entire long process of prayer&trust in God. Mind you the retreats at CHS are no where near as long as LSS but a day of reflection to say the least. It was exciting,nerve racking,but all worth it. Especially with two more to go for sophomores&juniors!
So many aspects have been running through my head&a few of them are piercing what gives me life, the heart. The things I'd love to share the things that are the hardest to express to people I trust. How is it that the times where I truly want to say something I can't speak? My heart becomes numb,by body sore&my head spinning in circles. Lately, my silence has pierced me the most. I'm trying to listen I'm trying to cope I'm trying to reach out&missing out on a message I ignore God most of all >_<

"At times I feel myself smiling, at time I'm not...."

Why is it so hard for me to accept what life is blessing me with? Why is it that I question almost always everything? This uncertainty is piercing my heart. The lack of trust and security is killing my insides. I think about issues too much worry too much am less happy and tense. I'm impatient, angry, unstable. In retrospect, I play a role. I have masks upon masks upon masks. Concealing everything with a smile painted across my face.

Lord, I need YOU, I want YOU, & I'm LOST!