can't let this go

I know there are several other important tasks that should be completed at the moment but I can't help but digress. I know I should be completing my civil and criminal law work or working on my term paper on Pope John Paul II, but I'm definitely digressing.
I don't know where to begin. I can't get one of the last conversations that I had with who I consider my "bestfriend",since it has put so much more into perspective and it's getting a little bit out of hand. I won't allow myself to let that go. Seriously, of all things to ask of me as a friend...so you say, why that? It confuses and in an unhealthy way stresses me out. I want to say I'm down, but just not now...I've asked and asked myself, why can't it be this way or why couldn't that be the last "serious" conversation we had years from now. But no, it was one of the recent "serious" conversations now. What's with that?
Lately, I've been trying to do everything and anything but focus on what truly matters, the matters of God's importance in life, family, friends, school, and well the one that's been hitting me hard. matters of the heart super corny. But sometimes, the heart wants or desires what the rest of ourselves can't bear. I can't bear this awkward period of time. I know I'll get through this. Other than realizing as of today how crappy of an "exfriend" or exgirlfriend I am.
I can't help but realize the patterns in my past boy friendships. It's when I realize that we might be just "more than friends" that I get scared. I can't risk getting hurt and by backing away I hurt even more. When it's me that figuratively burns the guy before he burns me, I beat them to the punch. But the ripple effect takes its toll on me. Well, not that it doesn't affect them just as much... I seem to dwell on it more than I should. I definitely have difficulty keeping a friendship let alone a casual conversation with a boy that has walked into my life and who I have walked away from. I can't say I'd like to be the girl who's waiting for the guy to come around and let me know what's up ending in the way I've left my past friendships with the boys who have come and gone...some who have also come back and well try sticking around -_-
I can't let this go. Especially since that last conversation with one of the friends that is a boy who I care about in a way I've felt before...he's the same person I've felt this way sometime ago. He's always just "there" When I had my boyfriend and well the guys I dated, he was and is the common denominator. My protective bestfriend. It seems to be so difficult for me to decipher the difference of you being protective and just being a really great bestfriend. In a way there isn't supposed to be a difference. Yet, I can't stop and think that you too, are just as afraid as I am. But I still become very hesitant that I'm only sabotaging what's been there and that's here right now. Why sabatoge one of the greatest friendships I've had? I'd rather stay quiet than risk everything. But in doing so I'm risking so much more. I keep confusing myself
I don't want to just be "friends" yet, that's all I can really say for I don't know your side of the story and I'm too foolish to ask.