why soo unhappy?

I've been wanting to just bury myself in tears and isolate myself from the world.

Not too long ago every other person and even when I see myself in the mirror do I notice I'm not the happy-go-lucky person apparently the same people were used to seeing. Some kind of twisted delighting reality check...to know that on the outside I've been able to bring a presence of happiness. Unfortunately, it's all been a mask. For the most part the happiness is genuine. But what feels like an eternity of feeling stuck, it's been a mixture of compacted stress,hurt,confusion&held back anger or rather repressed emotions. It's as if I've lied to myself over and over yet no one can truly lie to themselves and can only lie to others for so long until it consumes them whole.
It's as if I see myself through a television set. Watching from a far place seeing the internal expressions of hopelessness and restlessness nights. Fighting with myself to be and do certain things for the benefits of others. I can't help but think to be selfish. Selfish in a way that I may start to commit myself to things that make me happy and start to care for myself better. In no way am I promoting myself any better than anyone but I feel that I've been concentrating on pleasing everyone else but myself and what should ultimately be God that I've totally lost my sense of self.
Days go by that every time I see a family member all they feel necessary to ask is whether I'm alright,feel okay,or ask what's wrong. Yet I have no answer,just misplaced attitude&pain.
With Easter coming tomorrow,I've been trying to really place everything in Jesus rising&taking all the pain and hurt that he endured yesterday on Good Friday and raise all my confusion to less worry&understanding. To be the joy in rejoice. This Lenten season my faith has been tested and I've definitely lost my way to the point of giving way to the devil and let him keep me blinded only to remind myself of sadness and confusion. When all the while I should have continued to pray,trust more and be silent to listen to His Words.

On a sidebar- Nanay Atring, one of many who used to babysit me with Lolo is back from the hospital however, has gangrene in her legs :'( I did ask my parents to drive us to visit. We found out she was discharged yesterday&visited the house. I was so happy to see her after so many years. Only to find out that she has gangrene in her legs. She is also going to have her left leg amputated for a better quality of living. The brightside to it is that it's below the knee,she can carry conversations, she's alert, no food is prohibited,she's not diabetic and her heart and cholesterol is healthy,with only her bloodpressure high =/. And if she can handle it, there's a possibility she'll have a prosthetic leg. It was comforting that both nanay and lolo remembers me and it was amusing how one of the first things they ask me,seperately, is if I have a boyfriend or if anyone is courting me. Hahaha jokes on me, because I'm not one to tell the difference. And well my dad's answer was pretty funny since he said well if she did I wouldn't know because who knows what she does when she's out. Not exactly my idea of an answer,but it's partially true I guess. But I tell them where I am and they ask why I'm calling. But it is what it is.

In general there's so many lessons I need to learn and experiences that need to be experienced,emotions included. All I need to keep reminding myself is frog.
Hopefully soon I can find a place where I can escape to find peace and to rethink my thoughts and priorities. A place where I can go when all seems to be lost and a place where my sense of self can be restored.