you've got me wondering

Still, you've definitely got me thinking and wondering what's going on in your mind. Are your mannerisms your indirect ways to tell me? If they are I don't know how much longer I'll be able to decipher the difference. A few persons have told me one or two words of advice concerning what the possibilities may be. I don't want to know what they think. The words have helped me tremendously...But, I'd rather hear it from you… Oh wait. I have. A number of times, in different formats, verbalizations, and the one that takes the cake: you're gestures. You’re always with your figures of speech and actions, making it harder to figure you out. You're driving me up the wall! There's something else that bothers me, at the fact that as hard as I can make myself believe I'm the one over-analyzing (well I am), something tells me this isn't just a figment of my imagination or driven based on desire to know...I'd go to that place and "just be" and although it wouldn't make sense of anything, it'd make me happy. Every other place just brings me back. It's definitely not the same anymore and that's with a positive connotation. All I know is that I can't prevent what makes sense inside of me from surfacing. I don't want to keep hiding anymore. Well I've failed already, yet suprisingly for some people I've kept a certain facade to their perspective. Only I can know the difference and make my decisions...Okay, not entirely true. I have the greatest guidance by God. As I've said earlier, I'm entrusting myself in God. I'm walking with God taking this journey wherever He may lead me. I laab my laab.

so many questions

So many questions I'd like to ask. And well some questions have been answered that I'd like to say I wasn't suprised they were asked or well so much as indirectly demanded. But it already happened, I'd rather it be somewhat forgotten and not brought up until years and years from now but I highly doubt that possibility. From the person that has indirectly told me, it bothers me that it affects the welfare of us both. It isn't that its harmful but simultaneously it is within an instant. How can someone be blinded and not realize their words of exchange or their behaviors? Well it's complex and it's simple. I've contributed to what was said and what was asked and didn't exactly respond as straightfoward as expected. I was fascinated to say the least and confused at it being so casual and blunt. It's as if we were thinking the same but not saying the same but still having the meaning behind it parallel. Why of all questions would it be that? Why bring such a topic up that you know can change so many circumstances and well why choose me? So many things as I've responded are missing. To ask what's missing just makes me rethink everything but then take it back so I don't over-analyze. What is it that you really want from me and if I'm completely wrong, than fine. I'd rather you prove me wrong than right...at the moment, I'd rather say I was wrong and should have known it was a hypothetical question...why is it easier to tell a lie than tell the truth?
the truth hurts, but I'd rather know the truth,be hurt,than be happy living a lie. I know for sure you won't be reading this,but there's no other way that I can ever bring this up to you or to anyone personally as a actual conversation for it would be a little overwhelming to repeat. well to a certain extent, for i've talked to people that aren't informed or mature enough to know.Being the naive person I am, it all seems like a joke. But in reality, it confuses me less, to some extent you're actually serious so serious about what's going on, and I have no clue how to react in the same serious manner. You don't get it at all. Or maybe I have no sense of direction. If you know what's going on and don't bother to tell me or bring it up, than don't expect anything less from me. In a way, I'm flattered,in a way I'm disturbed, I'm also confused, happy, and extra worried. All I want is to care and show I care about you and your well-being as well as my own. that we are both respected. But right now, this is a little too much for me. Lines have definitely been crossed in all sorts of directions and as I've said before, why choose me?
at least if you'd answer that question truthfully, maybe just maybe. It'd definitely be different with everything that's been happening and everything that is being planned.

as i sit and write

I've been so consumed in what I see as "fit" disregarding the Perfect Plan. Who am I to question the very works of His Hands? As I've re-visited my old blogsites I've realized they surround the same issues. And a majority of them question happiness&love. What excuses have been said and made to question what isn't "broken". There's that saying "why fix something that isn't broken..."
Given the fact that I've had idle time or rather procrastinate on the upcoming deadlines, I've used it to think,reflect&pray. To discern -to perceive by the sight or some other sense or by the intellect; see, recognize, or apprehend." (dictionary.com) It's quite simple. Why question what's right, with a question of wrong? I'm not saying to be ignorant to not want to know, but when do you know when inquiring isn't necessary? It's been a bit difficult to 'believe'. Believe whole-heartedly in all that He has planned for me. He been in search of me to look for HIM.

I'm saying my "yes"

It's everything that I've been taught and continue to learn every day. How to be His. It's interesting to me that when we truly take time to reflect, we learn a new concept of life and what 'our' lives mean to us. Personally, if we just think back at the times we search for Him, it's in time of stress,pain,and misunderstandings. What difference is it to search for Him when we're happy,alive,and understood by others. As I sit and write, I acknowledge the endlesss times He's showed me LOVE.

"LOVE: We think about it, Sing about it, Dream about it && Loose sleep worrying about it. When we don't know we have it, we search for it. When we discover it, we don't know what to do with it. When we have it, we fear loosing it. It is the constant source of pleasure and pain. But we don't know which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define && IMPOSSIBLE to live without." - anonymous

God, You are definitely difficult to define by context, but I know that YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE to LIVE WITHOUT. My "fear" of losing YOU, is backwards. I "choose" to leave YOU and YOU continue to be by my side. It's disappointing to me that I've come to terms with this concept now. Well not that I haven't already been aware of this concept,but the more its come to full circle. I've always questioned and doubted His Plans, but I am also human. I know how to trust. But I entrust, all unto HIM. I won't stop questioning Him, but hopefully I won't question upon doubt. It's not what I see "fit". It's what He sees in what perfection IS. The Plan He has for me, is a Plan in progress. I pray that as I say 'my' yes, I embrace what is in store.
I thank God because I can 'restart' living in HIM and do so freely by choice.

who's counting?

The days are moving fast and I can't believe that I'm a senior. It's ridiculous how time passes so quick. I thank God for everything He's blessed me with and continues to bless and reveal to me. I may not know all the answers to the World, but I'm beginning to realize and remember that all my answers lie in HIM, and only HIM.
My Mom and Ate are safely in the Philippines now and I'm a bit jealous at the fact that they are over there. But, it gives time with my Dad as well as time to myself. It's very quiet I might add. Time to bring my priorities in order and re-organize what's what. There are still plenty of assignments and projects that need to be started or continued til the end is complete.
I wanted to give up not too long ago and as much as that is appealing, I wouldn't be the person I perceive myself to be. What I'm "worth" and what I "deserve" is to be "happy". I am to "please" myself and what I "do" is "IMPORTANT".
I can't help but think that what I've been doing has been exactly what was needed and needed to be done. I've learned to learn. In a few ways I've learned to accept, to start over, to continue, to strive and to persevere.
I'd like to say I'm happy with the way life has been going for me. And well in my own way, I am happy. Mistakes have been made. Behaviors are in need to be altered. Attitudes definitely need to be adjusted. My perspectives have adapted.
I'm not so much of expecting too much or underestimating nowadays either. But I am trying to be as realistic and optimistic as I see 'fit'.
As human as I am, it gets a challenging to see where all of my actions are geared toward or finding its way to a rationalization or failure of making excuses. I'm definitely scared of the future but I'm not going to let that fear consume me.

Peace within myself is getting closer and closer and its a blessing in disguise....

this is meant to be read

So I've read this before through a good friend last summer&it was brought back to my attention through my bl00dsister in Christ,going strong for seven years now =) well in the long run but closer for four...got lost in the beginning lol,we weren't as close&it was just starting. But anyway, the letter is this and although the author is unknown, the real author is God. And that is what I believe.


Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God says to a Christian, "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with living, loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me alone. I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings.

"I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you that most thrilling plan existing, one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the BEST! Please allow me to bring it to you. You just keep watching me, expecting that satisfaction, expecting the greatest things, and know that I Am. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait!

"Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have received. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up to me, or you'll miss what I want to show you.

"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you would ever imagine. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time), until you are both satsified exclusively with me and the life I have planned and prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me...and this is perfect love.

"Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you utterly, I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied."

Just wanted to share this and re-read myself so I can look back and re-read again. For there is truth in this letter and I'm so blessed to have another close friend bring it back to my reality.For there are times when I really don't know and wonder ever so often about who's who. Not to mention why mr.bestfriend seems to come with his suprises everytime I "give up" on him in a way to prevent myself from over-analyzing,hoping and getting too emotional for what I know may just be a figment of my imagination. But who am I to judge. I only know as much as I am to know given the time and reality of it all. It amuses me tremendously of the timing especially nonverbal&verbal communication though. But all is just part of life and part of those moments in itself. So I'm just praying that I do believe and remind myself that God has His Plan for me and my signifcant other. If that's mr.bestfriend?...I won't know until I'm told.

Including with God's Plan, I'm not too sure about this leadership role within PNYM...I'll keep praying,trying not to be ignorant of His Words. I'm just praying for one of those clear signs and strong 'feelings' or rather words of inspiration to ensure that I'm called to be a more apparent sign of His Words and humbly express His Deeds....

that's all for now...

roxannemarie♥

why soo unhappy?

I've been wanting to just bury myself in tears and isolate myself from the world.

Not too long ago every other person and even when I see myself in the mirror do I notice I'm not the happy-go-lucky person apparently the same people were used to seeing. Some kind of twisted delighting reality check...to know that on the outside I've been able to bring a presence of happiness. Unfortunately, it's all been a mask. For the most part the happiness is genuine. But what feels like an eternity of feeling stuck, it's been a mixture of compacted stress,hurt,confusion&held back anger or rather repressed emotions. It's as if I've lied to myself over and over yet no one can truly lie to themselves and can only lie to others for so long until it consumes them whole.
It's as if I see myself through a television set. Watching from a far place seeing the internal expressions of hopelessness and restlessness nights. Fighting with myself to be and do certain things for the benefits of others. I can't help but think to be selfish. Selfish in a way that I may start to commit myself to things that make me happy and start to care for myself better. In no way am I promoting myself any better than anyone but I feel that I've been concentrating on pleasing everyone else but myself and what should ultimately be God that I've totally lost my sense of self.
Days go by that every time I see a family member all they feel necessary to ask is whether I'm alright,feel okay,or ask what's wrong. Yet I have no answer,just misplaced attitude&pain.
With Easter coming tomorrow,I've been trying to really place everything in Jesus rising&taking all the pain and hurt that he endured yesterday on Good Friday and raise all my confusion to less worry&understanding. To be the joy in rejoice. This Lenten season my faith has been tested and I've definitely lost my way to the point of giving way to the devil and let him keep me blinded only to remind myself of sadness and confusion. When all the while I should have continued to pray,trust more and be silent to listen to His Words.

On a sidebar- Nanay Atring, one of many who used to babysit me with Lolo is back from the hospital however, has gangrene in her legs :'( I did ask my parents to drive us to visit. We found out she was discharged yesterday&visited the house. I was so happy to see her after so many years. Only to find out that she has gangrene in her legs. She is also going to have her left leg amputated for a better quality of living. The brightside to it is that it's below the knee,she can carry conversations, she's alert, no food is prohibited,she's not diabetic and her heart and cholesterol is healthy,with only her bloodpressure high =/. And if she can handle it, there's a possibility she'll have a prosthetic leg. It was comforting that both nanay and lolo remembers me and it was amusing how one of the first things they ask me,seperately, is if I have a boyfriend or if anyone is courting me. Hahaha jokes on me, because I'm not one to tell the difference. And well my dad's answer was pretty funny since he said well if she did I wouldn't know because who knows what she does when she's out. Not exactly my idea of an answer,but it's partially true I guess. But I tell them where I am and they ask why I'm calling. But it is what it is.

In general there's so many lessons I need to learn and experiences that need to be experienced,emotions included. All I need to keep reminding myself is frog.
Hopefully soon I can find a place where I can escape to find peace and to rethink my thoughts and priorities. A place where I can go when all seems to be lost and a place where my sense of self can be restored.

smhh,collegeee.

Okay, so my report card was fine,my average went down a few points but the only drastic change was psych =( but I still have an 80 average in the class so I'm good. This whole college process has officially stressed me out. Although I know now where I'll be attending. The waiting process and finding out has stressed 'my' life completely >:o
As for where I'll be going,I'll be Class of '13 at Molloy =) I may not be a freshman nursing major but I'm under undeclared to be declared after fall *09. Minor setback but pre-requisites are mandatory anyway and I'll be declared a nursing major after that's done. There's always a waay =D.
Apparently my mom wants me to "fly" to class. Telling me that I won't be allowed to drive yet. It makes complete nonsense,my dad laugh and look at my mom funny. It makes no sense for me to take public transportation everyday if I can drive. It's interesting to me though for my mom to change her mind when she "okay-ed" me driving a month ago from wherever I had planned to stay during college. What difference did a month make?
Sometimes it seriously bothers me when my family still sees me as 5 years old. So I am the baby in the family, but I'm also growing up. Not that I want to be an adult just yet,but, I am on the way there. I'm still learning and the fact of me growing up won't change. It's part of life. The life that I'll soon be experiencing even more than I am now...once I'm in college. One minute everyone is asking me or telling me how I should finish college and make decisions for myself. Then the next minute when I make my decisions or discuss them,they shut them down. So much for any discussions at all. Then they wonder why I get upset at times or why it's difficult for me to actually hold a serious conversation with my family. The answer to that is, that they actually don't take me seriously and when it matters the most, they pretend they never heard me say anything at all discerning the matter or topic.Then I get yelled at. That makes perfect sense...
As for "bestfriend", I won't know until I ask or until we discuss everything, well almost everything. What didn't seem to matter before does now. But isn't it always like that. Certain things seem insignificant until there's meaning given or absolute worry or concern behind it. For now I don't understand or rather don't want to try understanding just because at the moment I'm stubborn,afraid,and tired of wondering why?what?when? and where?
All questions that need answers that won't be answered until asked....womp womp.