Of all the things I've over analyzed for the longest time,this is one thing I refuse to over analyze.So this type of friendship has no name&&is pretty interesting to explain but silly at the same time when said outloud.But this is the one thing I will not overanalyze, but state the facts on.
So everything about it is different&&semi-out of the norm.But it's normal for the both of us regardless what anyone says.I love every moment of it&&I have no regrets.Without a doubt would I rather know for sure what the "answer" would be,but at the same time I already know. With knowing the answer,honestly I'm just afraid that something will go wrong. Of course knowing that something may go wrong will not be what will hold me back in any of my actions as it has done before with others,but it has crossed my mind&&it is now out of my system. With everything, there is a balance. When I lift everything up to God, all will follow =).
So far as I know,this is just one of those unspoken deals.The deal where all he does is protect me as much as possible&&give "the eye" to whoever is around me. Well keep the closest eyes on me and make sure I'm close within his reach. Sure he trusts me but its everyone else he "knows" that he doesn't trust as much. Its one of those friendships that there's no pressure from either one of the two.But the mini-fear of losing each other when in attempt of a risk. Whatever the circumstance,it's also unspoken yet known that we're both going to be there for the other no matter what or who tries to tell us otherwise.
For me,its one of the greatest gifts in 'my' life.The peace of mind,heart,body&&soul --other than being on a full retreat from the world&&in the full focus of God throughout my life =]-- I feel when we're within reach of each other.The kind of happiness that's hard to explain&&hard to forget.Granted we don't know where we'll be going in the future&&what will happen,but I believe nothing will drastically change anyway.Besides,in God's Hands I offer this up.This especially since day one&&it hasn't failed.Its one of those things that you know&&you're just 'sure' within your heart.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
concealed
There's been so many things that I've been concealing inside of me that it's as if I'm battling against something that just won't go away.I've been battling against myself.Concealing everything and have it all well up inside.All I can do is just cry randomly and hurt all over. That "feeling" of someone taking my heart and tearing it away.The feeling of being trapped where no one can hear me or see me hurt.I've created so many walls that tower over me that lately I've been knocking down foot by foot. In doing so,more wounds open and hurt 10x more than the first time the wound was open. Sucks to read right? but it sucks to say that this is what I've been harboring for awhile now and now is when all I'd love to do is yell,scream,kick&&everything to release all this unwanted pain.I wish I could feel that happiness I have and that peace that continuously shows when I dance all the stress away.
I wish I could run away...just pack up and leave...Stay in a home that feels home-like.Because that's far from where I am.If you consider a house where no one talks to each other unless they need something from you,where everyone and everything is misunderstood,where there is more arguements and remarks of failure,the reference to your so called home a garage a home than that's what type of home I live in. Where its literally a place for people to just sleep and if lucky enough eat together than that's where I live. Where the least bit of respect is held to value&&disappointment lingers than that's where I live. When the activities you enjoy the most are taken away from you and you get reprimanded for giving off attitude every now and then than thats the atmosphere I live in,breathe&&part of me dies each passing day.Where all the pictures I've taken and posted are not of my immediate family but my extended then that's selfexplaintory in itself. Where the family photos are everywhere but just for show.Everything has its balance.So I'm guessing that this is just what I need to make that balance complete,as I type this entry I cry for several reasons.I dont exactly know if this entry makes any sense when you read it but its helping me ever so slightly. I wonder what would happen if I ever did run away or just maybe never wake up.Be in a coma.So emo&&no where near who I am.If you were to hear me now,you'd feel my hurt and sense of emptyness and being soo lost. All I can say now is that "Lord in you I entrust this life,to lift everything in Your name&&find comfort within Your OPEN ARMS."
I know I'll be better soon..........
I wish I could run away...just pack up and leave...Stay in a home that feels home-like.Because that's far from where I am.If you consider a house where no one talks to each other unless they need something from you,where everyone and everything is misunderstood,where there is more arguements and remarks of failure,the reference to your so called home a garage a home than that's what type of home I live in. Where its literally a place for people to just sleep and if lucky enough eat together than that's where I live. Where the least bit of respect is held to value&&disappointment lingers than that's where I live. When the activities you enjoy the most are taken away from you and you get reprimanded for giving off attitude every now and then than thats the atmosphere I live in,breathe&&part of me dies each passing day.Where all the pictures I've taken and posted are not of my immediate family but my extended then that's selfexplaintory in itself. Where the family photos are everywhere but just for show.Everything has its balance.So I'm guessing that this is just what I need to make that balance complete,as I type this entry I cry for several reasons.I dont exactly know if this entry makes any sense when you read it but its helping me ever so slightly. I wonder what would happen if I ever did run away or just maybe never wake up.Be in a coma.So emo&&no where near who I am.If you were to hear me now,you'd feel my hurt and sense of emptyness and being soo lost. All I can say now is that "Lord in you I entrust this life,to lift everything in Your name&&find comfort within Your OPEN ARMS."
I know I'll be better soon..........
Monday, June 23, 2008
she's leaving
Miss filipiniana was unorganized but I had tons of fun regardless tht ms luzon was late,she tried to outstage me w| her dress,she changed also in a red dress which was the same blue dress(frm adriannes debut) but she didn't end up dancing.I changed into my ate's orange dress && it worked out better so there. I danced with my dad && with both my escorts.yes I was blessed with two =).Thank you both, I messed up the tango but only seldom people noticed. I stunned my dad with my flip as my Ate told me a relay of my dad's facial expression(oh you flip,putang ina mo) lol. My kuya met all my friends literally&&all the people that matter to me most =)&&he thinks they're all cool. Plus he's planning to go to this years LSS woohooo<3 can't waiitt. We went to nikki's house for a bit then to kuya calvin's for tita faye's baby showwer,then to adrianne's housee as we waited outsidee&then went to the basement. Interceded as one family<3. It was different for my kuya,but he's searching for God willingly nowadays && I'm very proud. So I thank God he was with me && I spent the whole day with him&&mdp<3 (lol) sad part of the day was that alothough it hasn't fully hit me hard that one of my bestfriends is leaving for good, I still don't havee words to say to her. Sure what I said in the video is true,no doubt. But there's "so much that is said unheardd"
&& there's no letter this time,sorry batch. There's not enough paper or ink that'll work.I will really miss you though....mail me pasalubong please =)....hahaha....I'll visit you one day&&we'll go to absinth when we're old enough&&I'll give you && ure fam the hook up! Well I know somewhat what I need to say to you to your face && I will in a good 8 hours when I visit you. All the talks we've had since 07 all the deep convos&&well that one time I didn't tlk to you for a good two to three days =p
Man oh man now I'm mixed up w| mr.pictureperfect&&mr.perfectpicture,oh no I jus rememberd hahahahaha.I'm pretty sure you're keeping tht photo && posting it somewhere&&probably will wait for tht long distance phonecall saying tht it's true. Insiders are fun! Why won't thiss contract burn?I don't recall every signing this one =)
I'm really going to miss you batchh&&I'm sure someone will take care of ahemm but you still cann even though ure miles && miles away.
*now I know wht someone thinks of me&&the more it makes me confused,i loovvvee this feeeeliiing though&the more I seem infatuatedd w| the idea,it may not be "love" but it's a different kind of love,love of a friend&&infatuation of something a little deeper....maybee...
&& there's no letter this time,sorry batch. There's not enough paper or ink that'll work.I will really miss you though....mail me pasalubong please =)....hahaha....I'll visit you one day&&we'll go to absinth when we're old enough&&I'll give you && ure fam the hook up! Well I know somewhat what I need to say to you to your face && I will in a good 8 hours when I visit you. All the talks we've had since 07 all the deep convos&&well that one time I didn't tlk to you for a good two to three days =p
Man oh man now I'm mixed up w| mr.pictureperfect&&mr.perfectpicture,oh no I jus rememberd hahahahaha.I'm pretty sure you're keeping tht photo && posting it somewhere&&probably will wait for tht long distance phonecall saying tht it's true. Insiders are fun! Why won't thiss contract burn?I don't recall every signing this one =)
I'm really going to miss you batchh&&I'm sure someone will take care of ahemm but you still cann even though ure miles && miles away.
*now I know wht someone thinks of me&&the more it makes me confused,i loovvvee this feeeeliiing though&the more I seem infatuatedd w| the idea,it may not be "love" but it's a different kind of love,love of a friend&&infatuation of something a little deeper....maybee...
Saturday, June 21, 2008
miss filipiniana
So it's the day of this event that I've been practicing for,getting yelled at for being home late,creating rough patches w| a few of the bestest,&& the same event that has increased my lack of sleep. The regents wasn't too bad&&well I finally got through the tango after inumberable times of messing up&&disappointing myself && joel bc his standards in dancing the tango are wayy up there.
I've been so distracted on && off && zone-ing out segment after segment. I believe I can pull this off though.
Adrianne's leaving in two days&&I haven't exactly been the best friend to her in all this. What she doesn't know && I haven't gotten the couragee to tell her is that when she told me she was leaving,I cried not knowing what to do && well I've acted upon that trying to have a front&&stopped thinking properly. Not the stop thinking when I dance to get all the moves right,but the loss of thought && words of not being a b!tch && semi-bitter since she is leaving. We've been through so much especially these last 2years&&it sucks ass that she is leaving.I know it's not for good,but either a year or four w| only visits as vacay&&well I'm hoping I will see her duriing those vacay visits. She hasn't even left yet && I want her to visit. I guess I'm also a little uptight bout it bc the last best friend && first best friend who moved,I haven't seen in 5 years&&I know when she ends up visiting.
Soo as I'm here at tita linda's hair salon,drying my hair,has it only dawned on me that as much as I love to conceal my feelings,I can't anymore. All of them get displaced&&I end up having mental breakdowns. Yeah,that means that I find myself crying randomly,quietly of course&&I only cry w| sounds && dramatizations whenever I'm at a healing mass or LSS && sometimes even then,I'm quiet. So I could even be in the car crying && no one would know unless you were to look directly at me.
Idk anymore,I'm still nervous about this whole day && I want it to be all over,still there's that part of me that's like I don't even want it to end. Oh && this time my whole family is going! My Ate Roslyn is singing the filipino national anthem,my Ate Rhoda made her delicious browines && she's coming too. My Kuya Marc will be there && my ninang. I'm really praying that PNYM goes! Granted that people have work,there's Tita Faye's suprise baby shower that might be cancelled&&there's Adrianne's graduation/picnic/going away gathering. So yeah,&& I'm hoping Rowan && I can make up a waltz on the spot which by the way I haven't even made the cd w| all the songs.
So much to do so little time,&& well w| my mom yeling at me here && there,she's as b!tchy as I am when days like this come to play when preparing,cooking,cleaning,&&getting ready. I'm pretty sure I get like this bc of her but whatever. If all goes well, I'll be ecstatic!
Prayers pleasee&&I hope ppl come throughh!
It starts at 2:30,@ our lady of the angelus school here across the street from my housee in rego park =)
I've been so distracted on && off && zone-ing out segment after segment. I believe I can pull this off though.
Adrianne's leaving in two days&&I haven't exactly been the best friend to her in all this. What she doesn't know && I haven't gotten the couragee to tell her is that when she told me she was leaving,I cried not knowing what to do && well I've acted upon that trying to have a front&&stopped thinking properly. Not the stop thinking when I dance to get all the moves right,but the loss of thought && words of not being a b!tch && semi-bitter since she is leaving. We've been through so much especially these last 2years&&it sucks ass that she is leaving.I know it's not for good,but either a year or four w| only visits as vacay&&well I'm hoping I will see her duriing those vacay visits. She hasn't even left yet && I want her to visit. I guess I'm also a little uptight bout it bc the last best friend && first best friend who moved,I haven't seen in 5 years&&I know when she ends up visiting.
Soo as I'm here at tita linda's hair salon,drying my hair,has it only dawned on me that as much as I love to conceal my feelings,I can't anymore. All of them get displaced&&I end up having mental breakdowns. Yeah,that means that I find myself crying randomly,quietly of course&&I only cry w| sounds && dramatizations whenever I'm at a healing mass or LSS && sometimes even then,I'm quiet. So I could even be in the car crying && no one would know unless you were to look directly at me.
Idk anymore,I'm still nervous about this whole day && I want it to be all over,still there's that part of me that's like I don't even want it to end. Oh && this time my whole family is going! My Ate Roslyn is singing the filipino national anthem,my Ate Rhoda made her delicious browines && she's coming too. My Kuya Marc will be there && my ninang. I'm really praying that PNYM goes! Granted that people have work,there's Tita Faye's suprise baby shower that might be cancelled&&there's Adrianne's graduation/picnic/going away gathering. So yeah,&& I'm hoping Rowan && I can make up a waltz on the spot which by the way I haven't even made the cd w| all the songs.
So much to do so little time,&& well w| my mom yeling at me here && there,she's as b!tchy as I am when days like this come to play when preparing,cooking,cleaning,&&getting ready. I'm pretty sure I get like this bc of her but whatever. If all goes well, I'll be ecstatic!
Prayers pleasee&&I hope ppl come throughh!
It starts at 2:30,@ our lady of the angelus school here across the street from my housee in rego park =)
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
freakkin outtt
Dmn,I'm on the brink of being a b!tch && freakkin out! So close to losing my mind && ready to explodee. So it's slowly starting && well everyone thinks it just attitude but it's really me stressing out bout everything! Take offense to me,blame me,don't talk to me at the moment that's fine.I really just need to chill && just have fun as I should be having. Today I had fun w| the mesina family which was unexpected as I was only to practice the tango which by the way got further than expected && a little less nerve racking so much as to the fact of my catching on faster && creating my own embellishment =) played tennis w| his family && kinda felt like a mother after since his parents went out together after && joel && I were left w| the kids hahhaaa. It was cool though. Made new names for the different movements && got through a little more than half the song. So much sh!t that's left to do I don't know how I'll be able to do it all. Went to ate nicki's house && learned && created the pandango sa ilaw && learrned && mastered it all within the few hours I spent there && was lucky enough to visit adrianne to stop by,so that's cool && gave me a sense of relaxation. Still freaking out bout everything && trying to figure out how people are getting there especially both my escorts =p && how everything will come to play day of && with everything that's been wandering around my thoughts,I just don't know how to deal w| it all anymore. I'm freaking out regents are tomorrow && friday! There's movie night,my semi-big day && some other event tht I'm singing at! WTF!
I'm almost losing my mind&&I can't deal w| anyone anymoreee!
I'm almost losing my mind&&I can't deal w| anyone anymoreee!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Prom was fun. From getting the rose,getting a manicure,pedicure,&&hair done hours before was cool. Going w| a friend,taking pictures,eating during the cocktail hour thinking about real food,being supised that the real food we thought tht was wasn't until we went to the bigger room,dancing,eating,being with friends was FUN.
Now,I don't know wht to do.I have 4 days left until my semi-big day,Joel && I still haven't finished the tango.I keep messing up little details&&embelishments, I'm trying to figure out how my escorts&&friends will get there, I will learn the Pangando sa Ilaw tomorrow,&&if I practice today with Joel as I hope however,being unplanned,I need to be home early for sure to practice for some song that I also have not practiced til probably a little later or right after this blog. Plus if I do practice w| Joel && call him now,he's asleep like the last time I called him.
Only a few days left for so many things it's a little depressing&&a little comforting when it's all over && I try to get used to it&&all the unwanted changes are changing as they always do which makes life difficult. It's part of growing up && it's the very part of life that we live for instead of being monotnous.
Hopefully if I don't go to summer school.then && only then will I really figure out wht I want to do in life or have a better ideal. I know it doesn't have to be set in stone && I have tht leeway of changing majors that haven't been set,but all in all, I'm placing all my burdens,troubles,&& decisions into the Hands of Our Father Above.
Not only have I been praying within a pattern of on && off,but my thoughts in itself are in words only God can hear&&prayers of hope&&despair. To truly trust with faith&&desire,but to sing like the voices of angel choirs. To sing from the heart && dance with the souls of my feet listening to the beat, to be happy once again just like the feeling up until I was age ten. Hoping to feel that again would my world be turned back upright,to know && feel everything in my life was closeness&&tight. Tight in the "ghetto"tense && not so stressful,but now that I'm a little older,that part of mylife is just a memory far away,dmn I sound dreadful....
Four days left&&I'm freaking out! I hope this all goes as planned!
*prays&&crosses fingers&
Now,I don't know wht to do.I have 4 days left until my semi-big day,Joel && I still haven't finished the tango.I keep messing up little details&&embelishments, I'm trying to figure out how my escorts&&friends will get there, I will learn the Pangando sa Ilaw tomorrow,&&if I practice today with Joel as I hope however,being unplanned,I need to be home early for sure to practice for some song that I also have not practiced til probably a little later or right after this blog. Plus if I do practice w| Joel && call him now,he's asleep like the last time I called him.
Only a few days left for so many things it's a little depressing&&a little comforting when it's all over && I try to get used to it&&all the unwanted changes are changing as they always do which makes life difficult. It's part of growing up && it's the very part of life that we live for instead of being monotnous.
Hopefully if I don't go to summer school.then && only then will I really figure out wht I want to do in life or have a better ideal. I know it doesn't have to be set in stone && I have tht leeway of changing majors that haven't been set,but all in all, I'm placing all my burdens,troubles,&& decisions into the Hands of Our Father Above.
Not only have I been praying within a pattern of on && off,but my thoughts in itself are in words only God can hear&&prayers of hope&&despair. To truly trust with faith&&desire,but to sing like the voices of angel choirs. To sing from the heart && dance with the souls of my feet listening to the beat, to be happy once again just like the feeling up until I was age ten. Hoping to feel that again would my world be turned back upright,to know && feel everything in my life was closeness&&tight. Tight in the "ghetto"tense && not so stressful,but now that I'm a little older,that part of mylife is just a memory far away,dmn I sound dreadful....
Four days left&&I'm freaking out! I hope this all goes as planned!
*prays&&crosses fingers&
Thursday, June 12, 2008
wooohooo
Never thought I'd be going to prom this year...but I am now! I was invited last minute but it's all good. Prom at EMHS w.Jerome! Hehehe the morning was a drag but after the finals for earth science and english it got better.Went to have my interview for prom&&chilled with Nikki&&Ate Kristin&&some dude.Haha.Went to Joel's for practice which was fun.Plus I practiced in heels for once.It wasn't too bad.Adrianne&&Rachel made pineapple cupcakes which I personally added nutella and a strawberry =) even tho Joel ate it&&tried really hard to play it off as if he didn't eat it...loser....it was fun&&it was very tasty&&as always when it comes to me and dancing,you can tell me the little details&&show me a million times but it'll only come out as perfect as you'd like when I dont think.I mean it's fine telling me the basis but you can't count on me to get it down packed with each single movement,it just happens to be more 'perfect&&natural' when I dont think.I know it sounds weird but that's how it is.It kinda sucked when I speared Joel in the ankle twice today but he didn't drop me...today...lol.ONE WEEK LEFT!
=)
=)
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
cant imagine
Somehow it's very difficult for me to complete the easiest tasks in general lately. I've been supressing basically everything&&its all been catching up with me.Since Monday,everything became a little more complex.Back muscle spasm&&now I'm getting sick after a whole year of being healthy.But that's how it goes...I've distanced myself from real people who are always there for me&&me for them,yet it hasn't been.Obviously, in all seriousness we all understand each other, but I've just been missing out on everything&&truly just missing them.This month is pretty busy&&this week I dont even think I can meet up with Joel to practice.Which now translates to everyday next week,GOD WILLINGLY! Two weeks left until the semi-big day.
SATs is this Saturday,not sure if I'm ready per say, but it was bound to happen soon.I'm coughing from the change of weather.Oh well,I'll try to be a trooper.Lately,majority of the titas think that I'm being courted by Andrew, which is pretty funny, at least we both think so. But, we're just best friends =)
I really pray that Rowan goes through with everything as he said he would.But hopefully he will agree with wearing the barong tagalog&&waltz with me before I waltz with my dad.I sure do pray he'll agree. I also pray that PNYM goes&&I hope it turns out the way I'm thinking it will turn out.
School's ending&& I feel that I'm learning so much more about myself&the actual subjects that I've been takin for a whole year, so much better.
SATs is this Saturday,not sure if I'm ready per say, but it was bound to happen soon.I'm coughing from the change of weather.Oh well,I'll try to be a trooper.Lately,majority of the titas think that I'm being courted by Andrew, which is pretty funny, at least we both think so. But, we're just best friends =)
I really pray that Rowan goes through with everything as he said he would.But hopefully he will agree with wearing the barong tagalog&&waltz with me before I waltz with my dad.I sure do pray he'll agree. I also pray that PNYM goes&&I hope it turns out the way I'm thinking it will turn out.
School's ending&& I feel that I'm learning so much more about myself&the actual subjects that I've been takin for a whole year, so much better.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
LOVE
love comes and goes for some
BUT
love is actually unconditional
love can only be given
love isnt something that can be taken away
love comes with happiness
love comes with pain
love isnt supposed to be painful
BUT
love is painful in the case of how much we care
love is what we all want from each other
love is what keeps us alive when we were infants
love isnt what we always think it seems to be
love is unexplainableilovehim<3
sometimes i think you know everything&&at times i think you have no clue,either one it has no affect on you&&it shouldnt really matter....yet its means the world to me,even if it mattered to you just a little.
ROXANNE MARIE S.PEREZ
BUT
love is actually unconditional
love can only be given
love isnt something that can be taken away
love comes with happiness
love comes with pain
love isnt supposed to be painful
BUT
love is painful in the case of how much we care
love is what we all want from each other
love is what keeps us alive when we were infants
love isnt what we always think it seems to be
love is unexplainableilovehim<3
sometimes i think you know everything&&at times i think you have no clue,either one it has no affect on you&&it shouldnt really matter....yet its means the world to me,even if it mattered to you just a little.
ROXANNE MARIE S.PEREZ
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