college-ishh

college,SATs,family-ishh,fck
this ish sucks.SATs are this saturday&im not ready for anything.today we had our ring fingers warmed by our senior sisters&&ring day is monday.mom is attending&&well thats bout it.whatever...procrastination is b*tch&&i wanna get outta the house.so far as i look up the colleges,my SAT scores shoud average around 1450 with all segments&at least or welll 1110 for just critical reading and math just so that i'm in the clear.not too sure how i'll pull that one off but idk hopefully.what to do what to do

this.year.all.the.ishh.has.been.thrown.our.way.LITERALLY.YETwe.still.come.on.top!sry.to.say.I.had.my.doubts.especially.yesterday=/...but.tht.was.yesterday&&this.is.today/tonight...ILOVEYOU<33.HAPPY.ONE.YEAR.
FCK.THE.REST.I.ROLL.WITH.THE.BEST!
WANNA.RIDE.MP3

still torn

still torn between myself&everyone else.at the moment i dont think anyone reads this but that's bc its more of my own self reflection than anything else for others to comment on or see.i mean if any of it has been read then i think thats pretty cool.lately i've been talkin to the same person i never thought i'd talk to when we originally started our friendship.i mean we stopped talking for quite awhile&&as always we start talking again (= i love it just as i did the first time.no complaints.an old friend who i loved talking to everyday&&night.starting 'over' again with a heart that seems to be healing&&hurting simultaneously...so i hurt a little love a little more,fear with wholeheartedly of what is coming&&what i already know.sucks how people change&&sometimes i've become soo accustomed to the way things were that it hurts differently each time.but change isn't always bad&&i learn more.there's nothing wrong with learning something new or old.realizing what i have,what i dont,what i 'desire',what "i need"&&what's bestowed upon me with grace. talking to him again, opened up cuts -figuratively speaking of course- but not because of him but of what we talked about.life itself.the life that's happening,the life that's happened,the life that we cannot foresee but live somewhat fully....ablessingindisguise....i know that even though we dont talk as much or chill as much it will never change the way i feel towards the one i care about the most.the ones who are the top of my list.HE has a list too.the list of all that i am to experience,enjoy,despise,love&&just wonder about every so often.i have to die to myself&strip away all my pain,suffering,hate,laziness,disappointment,temporary happiness,temporary emotions&&even the fickleness of my selfish ways.this heart doesnt belong.at least not to me&&not the way it should be treated.mind of burden.soul of the weary.body of invisible scarring.but i am willing to change.&&according to the same person that i never thought i'd talk to/talk to againn "thats good your letting it change =]"....mind you we were talking about a whole different topic but it applies to everything present in this life that i don't call my own but a life that struggles to get to where its supposed to be.


"a pure heart that's what i long for"

torn

a little bit torn between the two groups of people that ive grown to love both so dearly...i know i shouldnt worry too much because they love me just the same but personally feel torn between the two.i know i cant be in two places at once&&dont get me wrong i wouldnt necessarily change anything different between the two because than it would be just for my own selfishness&i was taught better than that.but does that mean i would have to choose between the two one day for finalization? i mean i already started having this feeling a few months ago&it was progressing for the better&&then regressing for the 'feeling' of being a loner.i know there are not enough hours in the day&night.idkk getting sick bc of the weatherr >.< freaking allergiess pluus other ishh but if i just lift it all up i can get through it all..

what to do ?what to say?
so thankful that i had a chill day narrahanne haha,kurtney,dave&adrianne.gave me a step back from the madness of college choices,SATs,miss filipiniana,school,strike&unecessary projects.it gave me a breather to truly enjoy all that im blessed with even the events in life that i dont think i should be blessed with in the first place.so this tuesday i have an interview/audition for diller quaile school of music =)...but now that the seasons are changing my nose is a little runny >_< just my luck! hopefully i could recieve a scholarship to attend the school to take music theory,voice&&basic music lessons. of course its after school but still i think its pretty cool&if i get in then why not? so many opportunities so little time to figure out what to do about everything.
okay with school,pnym,family&&yeahh boys...things arent as easy or less complex as it used to be.but thats why priorities change.refined,dropped&&re-invented.
totally procrastinating right now soo time to study&&do hw...hopefully i wont knockout!

well i guess things never change.procrastination or not.ignorance or indifference.liking someone&&loving many.maybe im just rambling about nothing or everything at a time.so ive changed a few things about myself; in appearance&attitude.mind&&soul.perspective from aspect.each day i try harder&&harder to find out who i am&who this person, being has become&&is very much becoming.its life isnt it? "lifee happens&&it so happens that lfe's not fair..." what is the meaning of being fair? what is the meaning of truly loving someone&&expressing it freely without hestitation? whether through a hug,kiss,or just a call? in each day that passes me by, ive seemed to lose one thing or another, a misfortune of mine that occurs every so often. not saying materially but mentally, emotionally&&friendship-based. its true im a lost person. in a world that goes through its course with me as if im watching from some place else.not allowed to pause, press play, or rewind....not even to feel that im present within the moment....its as if i have a pilot playing the role of my life&&i cant escape thisplace that no one hears me or feels what i feel. okay granted that im sure people have felt the way ive felt.but its no reassurance for me at all.yeahh i know very well i have God&&no one &&nothing can take Him away from this life.its as if i dont feel anymore&&its as if i can barely say a word to the ones i love dearly at most a "hi".i laugh to hide whats supposed to be a tear.but even a tear i shed not.not emotion just numbness; heart,soul,mind&&body.what is this phase? what part of life is this that im "in"? as if i cant breathe&&feel no heart beating. a death painful nonethelesss but how is it death if im still here? If only I can die to myself to truly live. I pray that I die to myself to live the life that's meant for me. that is pefectly planned out. most of this entry makes no sense&&yet it means something to me for then it wouldnt be typed here in this space....for the eyes who read this, for the people who care,for the ones who know what im feeling or rather feel nothing.I LOVE YOU! (somewhere inside me i have loved you&&for some still love you)
i'll be okay one day...just not at the moment&&not when you ask if im sure i'll be fine