yaya

So I've been in North Carolina since Monday and the environment here isn't too bad. It's a little slower paced than NY but at the same time it's a nice feeling where I can think thoroughly throughout the day with no stress.I've been with my ninong and ninang so far but last night I decided to go to my Kuya Johnathan's house and stay wtih Ate Rachel and baby Aura Mahal since all I've done was wake up at my ninong's,shower,eat breakfast,then walk for five minutes to go to the next house.Down the street,turn right til the end then walk past a bunch of houses til the end of the line of houses.The neighborhood reminds me of a movie set or something.The grass is like carpet and feels like it too.The grass that you'd actually like to lay on.It reminds me of NOW and THEN but with way nicer houses.I'm pretty much like my baby cousin's yaya/baby-sitter while Ate Rachel is busy with errands and household duties for the rest of the family to come and visit in and out of the house for Aura's christening on Sunday.She's one of the most happiest babies I've ever known!She's always smiling unless she's tired or hungry.But the best part of her smiling is right after she wakes up from her nap and well just like her dad,she reaches those high notes.She doesn't scream for tantrums she screams to speak and express herself with a smile on her face and because her dad taught her.

nothing new

So I've been blogging here and there between the many blog sites I own,but no matter where I post them,few people read as it should be.Besides the people who do read them know more or less about me anyway.
Each day is another I get to live.Another day to make mistakes,to fix some,and well for about two weeks now each days passes with me kinda broken-hearted just like the song by aj rafael <3.I don't know exactly when I will learn that as close to a friend,a guy,will I be able to prevent myself from becoming infatuated with him or with the mere idea that maybe one day he'll say I'm his...But for me that's not the case and never has been.The case once however, was having the guy think I was his girlfriend when all we were/are just friends. I don't know why I'm even writing this blog entry so much as to why I'd take the time to think about almost everything that I see when it comes to the heart.I do know that for the past two years I've been hoping that he would see me as his potential girlfriend,pretty pathetic really. Just having him around me and believe that he was 'protective' over me when I was with my other friends especially two of my friends who he dislikes. Yet he never did anything because of me.But I guess that's where I fell. I fell into that idea that the behavior he always had, when on guard with everything lessened when I asked, right before he had the 'look' on his face to get up and do something.
I'm confused on how to feel, once I knew that he only saw me as a friend and he is fully aware that I like him and I'm still very confused now. Sure I've accepted it for the most part for I know I can't change that and I can still be around him without hesitation so much as to he asks me to go with him somewhere or sit by him but what hurts the most is knowing he sees me as a friend yet acts differently when I am near him. That's the second failure of mine over-analyzing everything he does even though everyone tells me that he's always like that no matter who you are and well for him its not his fault if you see it more than what it really isn't. I don't think I'd like to admit it out loud but I sure fooled myself in believing that the kind of friendship we have is what I've mistaken for what 'love' is. But I will say that if 'love'is what it was before I knew how he felt about me then I can't wait to feel that again with someone who loves me just the same.
I won't deny that what I know and what I've felt for him was 'love',well my idea of it and how I see it. Regardless of how he feels bout me just as friends, as much as I saw it coming, it still hurt when i i fully knew..Before I knew I prepared myself in saying its either he likes you just the same or just as a friend, whichever the answer there's nothing that you've got to lose and you shouldn't because he's a great friend, plus the only time you should feel really hurt is if he totally ignores you or you ignore him.
I still believe that and there is nothing that I've lost that's major but minor in the loss of feeling that extra 'hope and wonder' of wanting to know and using that as part of my joy around him. I admit for the first week around him, it was on and off.Whether I should just be around him and smile or just be there. Well I did my best and I can't lie bout this, as many times as I look his way, there's a part of me that breaks. I try convincing myself to smile and laugh as I used to but I can't. I can't feel as 'carefree' as I did in not caring who was around or just smile endlessly inside and out. I care about him and I always will but its a little harder for me to show it.Since now I feel as if I show it, I will go back to where I started.It's not that I don't want to feel full of hopes and wishes but I also don't want to be wishfully thinking about something that isn't true based on the reality of truth that has finally surfaced.
There's a difference when you're just dreaming and when you're awake to the here and now of the present. This isn't anything new for me as to 'falling' for someone but what is new is that I don't want this to end as the other situations have for I believe this is very different from the rest.For I believe as much as I think about it every other day that if this is what I've been telling myself and everyone else of how much I truly care about him the way I do despite all his actions and his past and all the behaviors he expresses including the endless bs stories of this and him doing that.I LOVE... I can't help it.And yes, I do believe that if it's meant to be our paths will cross once again for something to happen if not just close enough that the very friendship we have now will be full of depth where we could really tell each other almost everything not afraid or hesistant in doing so.The pure joy&happiness&&love that I've felt around him or when we watch movies on the couch and lean on each other not caring really who sees.The very feeling of being comfortable around one another.I believe we could feel that still but at the moment I'm just over analyzing as alwaays on how thats hard to do now when really there's no problem at all just the fact of me knowing that drives me a-wall to be careful about my own actions and mannerisms.
I LOVE...that's how it will be for me anyways.forever&&a day<3



I'd go through this all over again and again. The endless thinking of him and when I'll see him again.Waiting for him to go online,waiting for his silly faces to show when he sees me,the dramatizations of being together for fun and for show,the shared passions. Well I don't know, I really dont know what all this means but what I do know is he has changed my life, he will be remememberd in my every day of living for there's always something that reminds me of him&&well we're still pretty close now that won't change anytime soon soo as much as I'm kinda broken hearted I'd rather him be the one that broke part of it.



JULY 16
"Come Holy Spirit, and help me open my eyes to see the good in what feels bad. Even Isaiah told you about feeling like this. Your promises uplifted that servant long ago. Do the same with this servant"
saint mary's press TAKE TEN-daily bible reflections for teens
jean marie hiesberger&maureen gallagher

summer so far

So as each day passes,there's always room to look back and see what I've learned, what I've done and what else is in store.Well, I've talked to someone that i haven't talked to since March due to misunderstandings, so I think that's pretty cool and well we're going to be together with our families for a good week so there's no more awkward silences anymore =). After the best of the best constantly telling me the same thing over and over, I finally decided to take it into consideration for the happiness of myself and not in a selfish manner, start caring about my well being. I don't know exactly what my ambitions are in life yet, but I do know I would like to be consistent with the atmosphere of music and dance. Sure, I haven't taken any classes for dance or music but hopefully this Septemeber I'll be able to attend Diller-Quaile for music. Maybe, God-willingly. Lately, everything has a 'new light' in the way my perspectives have been slightly altered and every aspect of life is truly beautiful. Whether or not I stay home for hours or go out alone or with people that I've grown to love and those who love and care about me just the same. I'm waiting to go out with a few people soon for fun of course and to do a few things for personal growth. Hopefully some of the events thst are in progress of being planned, goes as planned.
As of right now, I just want this summer to be a summer where I personally want to grow, with people around me, and most especially God Himself. Granted, I know nothing about what is to be planned out for my life or what God has in store for me at all.
This is the summer before my senior year begins, so many decisions are needed to be made and certain things that are needed to be arranged in a timely-order. A summer where I learn from my mistakes and learn from all the complaints that have been complained about. A summer that won't be forrgetable. A summer that all in all should be happier than sad.A summer with priceless moments with family and friends and being around them as much as possible. It may be high expectations at first, but honestly, these expectations have mostly come to surface with being true. All I ever need has been given to me in one way or another not short of any blessing. I know that all the necessities for 'my' life is granted unto me through God and knowing that, is all that matters. Words are insufficient to the expressions that are inexplainable and for that very reason I'm forever grateful.

thank you God

So I've just heard word, and Camille is fine. The surgery was successful and she pretty much slept the whole day because of the anesthesia.Plus I will visit her tomorrow probably in the a.m. so I'm glad.Thank you to all those who prayed and was concerned =) There's just so much in the world that we sometimes forget about the littlest things that we do and the things we take for granted. But that's how life goes. Nonetheless, we learn from what we've done or what we haven't accomplished yet in the very life we've been blessed with. I may only be sixteen years of age, but I've learned a few things so far.
o1. no matter how many times we've messed up and it seems as if all is lost, i'd rather be lost in God's presence,knowing He's forgiven me and forgives me before hand.
o2. everyone that I've encountered thus far, has impacted 'my' life and there's a reason I've met them.
o3. there's no greater love than the love of parents regardless the lack of expression.
o4. family is still family and family is everywhere with and without being within the family tree of blood.
o5. education is one of the many presents that no one can take away from me.
o6. friends may come and go but down the road, they may also come back
o7. sometimes we're afraid of who we are and what we could become,but when we are ourselves we become more afraid of what we haven't been.
o8. the paths we take in life don't determine where we're headed, they're only a guidline of what destination we can reach.
o9. the ideas we have on happiness aren't what make us happy when achieved but the happiness that comes from creating the ideas themselves.
1o. during the times when we would love to run away,we realize that we haven't been running away from anything but ourselves.
11. love is whatever we want it to be, but in everything that it is or that it isn't, love has no rules.

start of the summer

So basically today was the first day of my summer.Didn't do much today but sleep away the feeling that has made a confused for a good day or so.I'm pretty happy that there is no summer school for me and that I just have to register to take the August 13th math b regents which isn't so bad. So I'm technically a senior but not until September. As usual,my perspective's constantly changing.Change isn't always said to be bad or wrong,but it all depends on your aspect of change itself and what you want to be changed.So the whole un-named friendship/relationship is still un-named but there's nothing wrong.So why wonder when nothing's wrong.In everything that has come to play in this life is and was beautiful. Beautiful in the way it has taught me what I've learned in life continuously including today and right now.To truly entrust my life in the Lord, and know that everything will follow. I know I have to be a little more open,trusting,faithful,and a little more hopeful. Lord into your hands I pray for your daughter Camille Sico, for today she has gone through a heart surgery as young as thirteen. Lord, I myself don't know what time it was or what the diagnosis maybe,BUT I do know Lord, this day has especially affected all the ones she loves and the ones who love her.In You God, we trust. Heal her Lord and bless her even more than the blessings you have already bestowed on her and within her so much as to an understanding heart.


LIFT UP YOUR HANDS TO GOD AND HE'LL SHOW ME THE WAY.
"COME TO ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST."