looking different from the everyday is always fun (:

hmm so I think I might just come back to using this insteadd

One Year Mark.A lot have things have changed during this past year. Good. Bad. Awesome. & Totally messed up inbetween. I admit, there are choices I made that I wish I could take back. But where's the lesson and experience in learning in that? I must say my friendships have changed. Some have grown and others have faded away and came back around again.
Lately, I feel like all I've been focused on is being with someone,with b. And that's not what's most important. I've been so lost even with my closest friends. Those of which I feel like to keep myself in check I can't tell them every single detail. Lost in translation. It was even brought to my attention that I might be somewhat jaded. It's been a crazy "puppy love" filled three to four month time period until reality set in for both me and a guy I can't even talk to now because our mentality is this -to save ourselves from falling back to where we were, it's "best" to not talk to each other as we once used to. =/ not even to just see how each other's been doing. Although clearly, we see through the various social networks. We were exclusive without the title. But we also knew where we wanted to be but basically waited on each other...&well,along the way we also figured we need to be away from each other to find ourselves first and not be caught up in each other's everything.
We see our mutual friends who are together and how happy they are hoping we could be as happy-go-lucky but at the same time we also want to be single. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just that now, I've fallen into an idea that I need to let go for the time being.
I've been bugging out though since it comes so easily for you to forget to move past everything. Like I really wish it was that easy for me. Then there's your ex,your best friend,your everything. The one you gave your heart to. The woman you'd drop everything for. How can I blame you? How can I be upset at you? She's pretty amazing, I think anyway..well from what I see and what you've told me. I mean she has been there for you from the start like literally,childhoodbest. Even when we were just us,whatever that meant. She continues to give you advice, look out for you, take care of you, make you laugh and even nervous when you're in the same room. Why wouldn't I be happy for you? Why can't I be as happy as I'd like to be for you? I mean, you used to make things so much easier for me in that support system kinda way. We did that for each other.
I just don't know anymore. I wish we could see each other again. SO I can let you go. Like really let you go. I need closure that you won't allow us to have. You never meant to hurt me, like I never meant to give you that chance. But look at where we're at now...YEAAHHH.

But along with that one year mark, dear best- This is the end&the beginning to a new chapter.

from my tumblr.

I’m not sorry I don’t love you the way you say you love me. I’m not judging you because you’re basically “using me” as your excuse to get drunk every night or every other night and smoke ever since I told you to not “wait for me”. We were so chill before you told me “I love you” and took every chance we’d chill to convince me otherwise in changing my mind. It’s not fair to either one of us because it wouldn’t be right&well honestly, I’d rather not deal with you. I told you from the start I didn’t love you the way you’d like me to. And no, it’s not because I don’t care for you. It’s just that I’m fully aware of how you’d perceive my acts of caring towards you in a different light. I mean, you already have and it just makes things that much harder for no reason. I can’t be “that girl” for you. As messed up as it might sound or as it is, it wasn’t you telling me how you felt that changed our communication, it was the fact that because my answer wasn’t what you wanted to hear you brought it upon yourself to feel worthless as a person in search for people’s sympathy to tell you what you already know..How you are worth more than you think&it’s not completely necessary to have a girlfriend to say you have a girlfriend. But instead of realizing your worth&/or value of self..you are drowning yourself in alcohol. WAY TO GO.

BUT I really wish you wouldn’t use “if we were together,i’ll stop drinking/smoking just for you” in every other conversation we actually try having when you are SOBER.