with me always

Today was my senior retreat. Even though it was in carajo land,a place far far away. This was my senior retreat at the damascus/grace house ar 207 inwood,last stop on the A train. It was with 32 of the senior girls for today since they broke the senior class of a hundred something throughout this week of march for retreat. It was a simple retreat 'day'. I say simple because a retreat day is usually 9 to 5 or six. But in short, I can say it was a day of reflection. The theme of the day was Prayer. Who can go wrong with prayer. It was based on prayer and the analogy of a butterfly. Being that I am a senior, it is efficient. For sixteen years and a little more than 4 months, I've been in a cocoon. Safely watched, guided, and sheltered. In hope to emerge and endure the upcoming metamorphasis into a growing butterfly. The transitions of a teenager into a young adult into the transitions of a high school soon to be graduate into a freshman in college. For right now, I'm geared toward the path of Molloy College. I have exactly seven days from today to wait and see if Hunter College has accepted me into their Nursing Program.
Being that I was in my day of reflection, the speaker had said a verse that I'm paraphrasing of saying,
"If I believe,I shall not be afraid."
When she had repeated this message twice,although I may be paraphrasing the verse, all that came to mind was another fun abbreviation that may not exactly have been circulated anywhere or possibly it has. But it was this,

"FAITH- For All Is Through Him"

Now I don't know if I had heard this before or if it was an idea of inspiration at that moment. For all I know it was both. That was what had resonated in my mind. The speaker had also told us that "God is always with you, even in the places you aren't supposed to be." This is slowly begininng to be my sense of security. Of all the times I've been to places that aren't of bad intentions, I've been to places without my parents knowing exactly where I've gone either.
This day of reflection has given me my sense of self and inner peace. Not only have I been worrying lately or displacing emotions,but I have taken the time to stop all the noise that I've either afflicted upon myself or payed attention within my atmosphere. So I've also ignored some people and in respect to myself have prayed the offenses aren't personal.
In a way I'm trying to truly "guard my heart,for it is the wellspring of life." This life that I've been blessed with. To wake up another day, live another moment, breathe the air of the 'toxicated' world. I Am a child of God. Part of His Kingdom here on earth. The heir to His Throne, His precious princess, the daughter of a King and the sister of a Prince.
He is my refuge, my strength, my Savior, He's slowly but surely beginning to be my best friend. In my time of need, despair, happiness and joy. He's the one that shows me the simplest of moments are some of the moments that make all the difference. The beauty and simplicity of them all shine a light upon life's greatest treasures.

smhh

So total fail for my lenten promises >_< definitely drank iced tea including green tea,ate chocolate and slowly returning to the rude unappropriate use of profanity. Prom is coming soon and well my prom partner, is a pretty chill dude. A friend of a friend. Hahaha. Different events have happened lately and I'm still trying to make sense of it. The high school days of reflection have been amazingly stressful but worth it all. There's several messages that I've ignored and several messages that I've received. Also trying to make sense of them as well. Whether it deals with the big question of "where am I going" at the current moment. College hasn't exactly been the easiest decision with the somewhat incomplete 'rolemodels' to follow.
smhhh also have been totally distractedd with everyone and everythingg only driving myself insane with over analyzing as perusual. listening to a bunch of songs haven't helped either however, this past week has its happy interesting moments as well. haha just kidding. well the week has definitely answered the many mind questions i pose to myself and haven't disappointed me at all. Some have just suprised me and confirmed different aspects as well. I still have to keep reminding myself that its all in HIS PLAN and in HIS TIME. I need to f.r.o.g.! xD
FULLY RELY ON GOD

piercing

Lately everything been a roller coaster in my mind. With up and downs not to far apart from each other. I don't know where I'm going and I'm losing my sense of direction. So yesterday I played my first role as a senior retreat facilitator :) what an experience to endure! No wonder pnym facilitators for LSS go through a whole entire long process of prayer&trust in God. Mind you the retreats at CHS are no where near as long as LSS but a day of reflection to say the least. It was exciting,nerve racking,but all worth it. Especially with two more to go for sophomores&juniors!
So many aspects have been running through my head&a few of them are piercing what gives me life, the heart. The things I'd love to share the things that are the hardest to express to people I trust. How is it that the times where I truly want to say something I can't speak? My heart becomes numb,by body sore&my head spinning in circles. Lately, my silence has pierced me the most. I'm trying to listen I'm trying to cope I'm trying to reach out&missing out on a message I ignore God most of all >_<

"At times I feel myself smiling, at time I'm not...."

Why is it so hard for me to accept what life is blessing me with? Why is it that I question almost always everything? This uncertainty is piercing my heart. The lack of trust and security is killing my insides. I think about issues too much worry too much am less happy and tense. I'm impatient, angry, unstable. In retrospect, I play a role. I have masks upon masks upon masks. Concealing everything with a smile painted across my face.

Lord, I need YOU, I want YOU, & I'm LOST!