I mean,I guess

Two Days/Nights Straight "Steady Chill"
But the part that was most irritable to me was you. I don't understand why I'm giving you indirect consent to make me feel the way I do. You give me the "shakes". Honestly even when everyone "jokes" around about us with their comments even Tita,you are not amused. Fine. I'd rather you look me in the eyes&tell me straight up where I stand in your life. But you can't even do that! &&your reasoning is that you just "can't". BS,it's that you "won't".You say I don't bother you. You say friends na tayo at bakit iniisip ko galit ka sa akin kase wala akong ginawa masama...blah blah blah. Yet your actions speak that much louder "dude". "Babe na babe at Hon" tuloy sinasabi mo sa akin. Na ka iniis meng. You don't want photos taken when we're next to each other or you turn the other way. Unless may kasama ka sa ibang tao. I don't need these mind games meng. Granted, I do admit I've placed myself in this game that I hate&know oh too well. But besides that, I really do hope you're happy&whoever you have a relationship with makes you the happiest you've ever been and more.

Conference is in a week!

"why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?"

You've taught me how to love,cry,laugh&be myself around you.
You've also taught me how to become completely vulnerable because of you.
You're one of the few that I thought I'd never become so frustrated over.
But you've broken me down. You've teared down these walls I've built&also helped build them up.
You've seen me in all my pride&glory,shame&guilt. With my accomplishments&failures. You've seen it all. You've seen me. You make me think twice&if you're not in the back of my mind with all my thoughts,you're at the forefront. You make me smile like a fool when I think of you&it's just been way too long already. I'd never want you to leave this life of mine because I'd truly be at a loss for words. You've become that one person that could change my attitude with what words you say and the actions you make. Sometimes I ask myself why I've given you this "power" over me..but I know exactly why. You've become this person I've learned to love unconditionally,unknowingly&believe it or not,I won't allow myself to ever let you know how or why I love you so.

I hate this unnecessary BS

I don't know which one hurts more.
The fact that we're trying to be friends or the fact our friends play "pretend" when it comes to knowing what changed our friendship.

&the spring in my step has now broken

In contrast to the post before this,I decided to mess up the way things are with a simple text that was never to be sent to you. I confused you afterwards,made myself look like the "little girl" and btch that just happened to be in the worst mood of all. To now not regretting everything that has happened between us because things happen for a reason...but I lost sight of reminding myself that we weren't anything,we aren't anything,we are and just were friends. My desires to be more took a toll on me to get me where? Here, not talking to you or rather you stop replying to our usual "morning texts" or texts about what we're doing and how we're feeling. There's a POSSIBILITY a huge one in fact..hence the CAPS,that I'll be seeing you tomorrow...now what to do about that? I have no idea. Our mutual friends probably know the business and now I don't know how to feel or if I should feel anything at all. Sometimes this is the very reason why I dislike being a girl for we think with our "feelings" and not "reality" in being practical or things being the way they are as is instead of what we "feel" things are what they seem to be. I can't help but feel foolish or honestly dumbfounded at everything that has happened to me within the past 48 hours. Honestly,where is my head nowadays? Lost in confusion and sin. Ugh,why'd I choose to fall so far and fall so hard knowing I'd be in a place I despise the most. I've crossed the line one too many times...and I don't know how to get back.
I want to say I miss the person who I thought I did. But now the only person I miss is the person who won't talk to me or reply to my calls or texts. Three Strikes&it wasn't you who's out,it's me.

Dear Spring, You've Got me Sprung!

It seems for the past year thus far, when Spring comes so does another person.

I met you a little more over than a month ago. The night of Saint Patrick's Day to be exact. Although you&everyone else except my bestfriend Kevin aka K.Ninja/Waffles were pretty drunk out of your minds,I still met you...and Kevin&I fooled everyone with us being "engaged" as the bestfriends that we are. HAHA. We'd talk here and there just to see if I could come out with everyone to chill. The few time I have so far,you have failed to show...Mister "miss everything". But then there was that other time,Saturday March 26 that I chilled with everyone for a Grand Central Park "photo shoot" where you came to Shar's house afterwards. I, of course didn't stay too long because everyone was invited to some other party that night.

Which brings us to your 21st birthday,a time I didn't come out to celebrate being that I'm not 21 nor do I have a fake I.D.,or intend to have one (although it has crossed my mind)..but I still have curfew,depending on what day it is&what I'm doing the day after..Anyways,then comes last week when you asked if I wanted to come and chill with everyone at Shar's house again for movies,food&a good time. At this point,Kevin&I have been on weird terms well indirectly..not that it matters but it does to me,regardless if we're "okay" now. So this day,pretty much changed the dynamics of things.

J&B night.Monday April 18.Oh man,there was your belated birthday gift from Shar&I and you practically pissed on yourself from shock&amazement. NBD. One too many pictures,one too many laughs&good times...&our "first kiss" which I don't exactly count since it was more of a dare from everyone..uhm yeah. So I leave with Tone&basically by the time I get home and tell everyone that I'm home safely everyone's basically KTFO especially you...There was that possibility of seeing each other at the Shrine of Our Lady of the Island but you&your family left by the time I got there...We've been talking even more ever since last week and it's a really nice&"happy go lucky" feeling to have someone to talk to about anything&everything.

This past Tuesday April 26,my last day of Easter break we chilled once again. But this time it was just me&you. After I studied in the library until your class ended. We had dinner at your house,or rather you bought me dinner from Fritzies?..Two of my favorite Filipino foods,Sinigang na baboy&beef steak with rice(: We just talked some more,just listened to music,watched youtube videos til I had to go,you brought me home&you kissed me goodbye...haha so cliche.

Later when you got home,we talked on the phone&established that we obviously like each other. Along with other things,family,brief past relationships, but nothing in depth because we both have the mentality that the past is the past for a reason&although it shapes the people we are today, it's meant to teach us&not bring us down. True story brah.

In terms of where we stand,we do like each other but we're both also not in a rush either. Taking things slow and day to day,just as it should be.

Not going to lie though,I get butterflies every time we talk&catch myself smiling like a fool.
The fact that you are Filipino makes things a little easier minus the fact that your Tita&Tito actually know my parents because of their restaurant...But you wanting to improve my Tagalog speaking skills is a plus,even if you laugh at me or rather think it's cute because the way it comes out wrong -__-

We may not be together but we do have a lot to learn about each other and with each other. Either way,we're friends&you being one of my bestfriend's friend&part of that crew makes things that much more easier&fun. I guess we'll see.

I've learned to try not to worry about anything not in that "ignorant/naive" aspect but in the aspect of "Don't worry about anything,PRAY about EVERYTHING" mentality. I'm praying everyday,about everything and anything. Whether it be you,me,my family,my future,my present,my past&all that's in between.

Anyways,here's an update to my "lovelife" or lack there of. haha,no rush.
"Steady Chill" (: